10. Prank Phone Calls – Back in the day when a phone was attached to a wall with a cord and caller ID and *69 never existed; prank phone calls were a way of getting through a rainy Sunday. Even though we could somehow play Contra over and over again, we had to get away from the 15” TV every once in awhile. Moving from one device to the next, dialing Peter Pickett from the random funny names in the phone book was an acceptable pastime. Just reciting that name or hanging up on them somehow seemed like a mischievous thing to do. With caller ID today, and cell phones being the choice for mobile communication, even telemarketers can’t get a hold of us anymore. “What is this f*ckin number? 416 area code? F*ck that!” "Caller ID Withheld..well f*ck you too!"
9. Ordering Pizza – Ordering a $30 pizza to your neighbour's house and peaking out the window as it arrived was senseless fun. Again, when you have only a phone there’s only so much fun you can generate from it. It’s amazing to think that so many years went by without anyone ever calling to confirm your order. Yes, some did, but a lot of times it never happened. But when a 13 year old kid is snickering though his 18” pizza order something should generate some curiosity on the other end of the phone. Hey we were kids back then, we were assholes.
8. Playing Guns – Even writing that seems wrong now. Playing guns involved running around the neighbourhood with toy guns and pretending to shoot each other like it was Commando. Back then, guns were one of the top toys for young kids, and the more menacing and realistic the gun the better. I had a metal rifle that looked exactly like a gun…and I was 12! Oh also, it shot BBs and I bought it at Canadian Tire. Today, finding a toy gun at all is pretty much impossible. They even changed the Nintendo Zapper to red because the grey looked too “real”. If anyone ever mistakenly took a Nintendo Zapper as a real gun then they should have watched some more TJ Hooker or something. It’s funny to think that violence was a non-issue not even 20 or so years ago. Today kids can’t play Mortal Kombat without an adult…yet they have all the porn in the world at their fingertips. Its weird how f*cked up everything is. And speaking of Mortal Kombat…
7. Going to Arcades – Arcades used to have two types of games, the ones that were one quarter, and the ones that were two quarters. This is one of the first situations where cost/benefit analysis played a role in your life. “Do I have two games of Golden Axe or one of Wrestlemania? What would be the most effective use of my $.050?” Also, you could be 10 years old and stumble into an arcade and see Sub-Zero rip the spine out of Kano. This was normal. I’m anxious to know if any kid ever tried to rip the spine out of their friend in some wrestling match they were having in the living room. I would think common sense would step in, because even at 10, you should know that this is f*ckin impossible. So is breathing fire and ripping a heart though a chest with your bare f*ckin hands. If your kid every tried these things they missed a crucial part in life when they learned not to try to kill people. You should teach them that before they leave the house ya know? Video game voilence isn't the problem, stupidity is.
6. Driving Without Seatbelts – This was pretty much a bad thing to do anyway, but today a parent would be locked up if they had their kids in the back of an F-150. Back then, if you could physically fit the kids in the vehicle you were good to go. I would go on complete road trips in the back of a Datsun, reading comic books. I loved it; it was like my own little camp back there. Fall asleep when I want, getting woke up when I needed some potato chips, it was great. It’s socially irresponsible to even think of being in a car without a seatbelt today and rightfully so. It’s amazing to think that really not that long ago they were pretty much just an option. Of course the seatbelts weren’t exactly that great, because it was the ones that only went around your waste. Didn’t they ever do crash tests with these types of belts and realize that, “Wow, that dummy almost got ripped in half, I don’t think that’s what we’re aiming for here.”
5. Biking Without Helmets – Back in the day, falling off a bike was your fault. You drove in traffic at your own discretion and even though the odds were quite obvious that if you on your little ass bike got hit at any point by a two tonne vehicle the result was going to be less than great. We have moved from having no protection at all to only protecting the head. Even though the head controls the entire remaining portions of your body, it’s not necessary to wear any other sort of protection. You can actually ride around naked, and as long as you have a helmet on your cranium you’re good to go. You may have to cover your testicles with a leaf or something, but that's it.
4. Collecting Hockey Cards - Having Jaromir Jagr's rookie card was more of a symbol of pride and recognition amongst friends than it was about what monetary entitlement it actually had. Because according to the price guide this thing was worth $8.50. Now the fact that $8.50 is not much of anything, it is when you compare it to cards worth $.013. It's all in relation when it comes to hockey cards. Unfortunatly having it worth eight bucks didn't necessarily mean you were getting eight bucks for it when you wanted to get some Ah Caramel cakes and some penny sour candy. We had to pay $4 for the f*ckin price guide anyway (we were kids, or investment skills were limited). But the card was worth half of $8.50. So technically its worth $4 right minus the cost to find out what it should be worth. No wonder these days are over. Logic stepped in and we all but said "fuck this, I want $8 instead of a f*ckin card....fuck Jagr!"
3. Buying Music - Buying music itself is almost a laughable topic in its own, but buying it on cassette tape just symbolizes your place in the history books. I would spend $14.99 on a cassette tape of Heavy D & the Boyz "Living Large". F*ck, I still have that thing, and obviously it's in perfect condition, because finding something that plays tapes that isn't a vehicle is impossible. I open up that plastic case and check out all the thanks and What Ups! in the insert. It's hilarious. Also, gone are the days of waiting for release dates and ordering music. I ordered Outkast's first album from this independent music store called Backstreet Records and the guy looked at me like I was ordering a chocolate covered testicle holster...Like, "What the f*ck is that?" Outcast? No it's with a K, it's Outkast. They are black dudes they spell things cooler. Yeah, that tape never arrived.
2. Steal Sh*t! - Don't even front, you know you stole sh*t when you were a kid. We were f*ckin kids, how else were we to get anything? Paper routes, bottle returns...no, it was easier to just take it. Now we weren't breaking into homes and stealing diamond rings and sh*t like that (even though this did indeed happen once n awhile) no you were stealing sh*t that you pretty much thought was rightfully yours anyway. Potato chips, candy bars, hockey cards, comic books. F*ck I didn't see many adults reading Aquaman comics, they made that sh*t for us. Imagine how much crap we would have stole if we knew that the law basically didn't apply to young little bastards stealing stuff. No wonder adults hated us.
1. Looking for Porn - When there was no internet, a rum and coke was easier to find than a Penthouse magazine. And if you had a Penthouse magazine you made damn sure no one was finding that sh*t. If Indiana Jones was to come into your home he could not find this f*ckin magazine. When it came to hiding porn you gained the elusive traits of a mass murderer hiding bodies. You had that sh*t hidden like a chameleon on a tree. When you're a kid, finding a Playboy magazine was like finding the third piece of the Triforce...an epic achievement unlike no other. And it was actually like a Zelda quest if anyone chose to embark on this journey to find it. And then the internet came along and well....could it be any easier? It can't! It cannot be any easier at all. Wait it can. As soon as Google Images can read your mind and search based on thought...that's the easiest. Unfortunately we have to type it in right now, but type in anything...take the safe search filter off, search for anything, and you may get to page 3 before you hit some porn.
What did you used to do as a kid?
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