Things Old People Like #3 – Liquorice Allsorts

Old people have a sweet tooth that never ages. The candy they remember as a youth remain as a look back into their once youthful lives. And no other candy has quite the impact on the senior population than these square liquorice candy things. It’s guaranteed that if old people are around, you’ll mind of bowl of these things somewhere in their home. This entire assortment of candy has not one tolerable piece. Just look at the explanation of what these things contain: These confections are made of liquorice, sugar, coconut, aniseed jelly, fruit flavorings, and gelatine. Good Lord! Coconut, jelly, fruit and gelatine….who the f*ck thought this would work? This must have been a mistake or something? Maybe they were making Big Turk bars and Mounds and decided to f*ck up the assembly line. I have no idea how that combination became a success without being a complete mistake.

Usually when you take a piece of candy (black liquorice) and add more candy (sprinkles) and forge them into appealing shapes (squares which make them look like little sandwiches) you usually can’t go wrong. Candy plus candy usually equals better candy…but not in this case. Black liquorice should be left alone. It should exist in the obvious straw shape that liquorice is supposed to be. Coconut can continue to be banned from everything. You suck coconut.