Bringing it to the Table

Please Park Here

2010-07-21T10:36:00.001-03:00

There is a good population of people who suck. That’s pretty much the bottom line. And they suck because they piss you off in one way or another. Even though you couldn’t give a sh*t about these people, they can still f*ck with your emotions.

There’s a lazy bunch of bastards that like to park where no one else should park; where it specifically says not to park there. These places are usually marked with some diagonal yellow lines, yellow curbs, or simply plain English that states “No Parking”.

Now diagonal yellow lines are universally understood as “don’t f*ckin park on me”, so what the f*ck makes anyone think they have permission to park there? Same thing as when a curb is yellow. Do you think people are out there painting curbs for fun? Like this is some sort of artistic expression for today’s youth? “Yeah, f*ck this complicated graffiti sh*t, let’s be different and do solid f*ckin yellow on random curbs throughout the city. F*ck trains and alleys, that sh*t is played out”. And is there anything easier to understand than words? Yeah, I know some people can’t read and sh*t, but you probably shouldn’t have a f*ckin car now should you? Like what the f*ck is this? How the f*ck did you write the test?

So the answer to all this? I think we should just label everything that symbolizes “No Parking” with “Park Here”, but with some added emphasis on it. So that spot in front of the Second Cup where it’s clearly a f*ckin street to drive on should just say “Park Here if you’re a F*ckin Asshole”. Or, “Small Penis Parking”. Or how about “Parking for Women”. Like who the f*ck would park there? No one! Even illiterate people can identify the word “F*ck”. And women wouldn’t even park in the “Parking for Women”, because they would be like, “F*ck you sign! I’ll park where I want to park."

How could this not work?

Top Ten Things You Did as a Kid that Are All but Impossible Now.

2009-11-16T20:00:00.002-04:00

Teens are trouble. It's a well known fact that during those teen years, your body goes through some crazy sh*t and your mind starts wanting a bunch of different sh*t. We had limited knowledge of the law, not much focus and a whole f*ckload of time to waste. The things we used to do are long but gone now, with some being pretty much impossible. Let's take a look at what some of those were.

10. Prank Phone Calls – Back in the day when a phone was attached to a wall with a cord and caller ID and *69 never existed; prank phone calls were a way of getting through a rainy Sunday. Even though we could somehow play Contra over and over again, we had to get away from the 15” TV every once in awhile. Moving from one device to the next, dialing Peter Pickett from the random funny names in the phone book was an acceptable pastime. Just reciting that name or hanging up on them somehow seemed like a mischievous thing to do. With caller ID today, and cell phones being the choice for mobile communication, even telemarketers can’t get a hold of us anymore. “What is this f*ckin number? 416 area code? F*ck that!” "Caller ID Withheld..well f*ck you too!"

9. Ordering Pizza – Ordering a $30 pizza to your neighbour's house and peaking out the window as it arrived was senseless fun. Again, when you have only a phone there’s only so much fun you can generate from it. It’s amazing to think that so many years went by without anyone ever calling to confirm your order. Yes, some did, but a lot of times it never happened. But when a 13 year old kid is snickering though his 18” pizza order something should generate some curiosity on the other end of the phone. Hey we were kids back then, we were assholes.

8. Playing Guns – Even writing that seems wrong now. Playing guns involved running around the neighbourhood with toy guns and pretending to shoot each other like it was Commando. Back then, guns were one of the top toys for young kids, and the more menacing and realistic the gun the better. I had a metal rifle that looked exactly like a gun…and I was 12! Oh also, it shot BBs and I bought it at Canadian Tire. Today, finding a toy gun at all is pretty much impossible. They even changed the Nintendo Zapper to red because the grey looked too “real”. If anyone ever mistakenly took a Nintendo Zapper as a real gun then they should have watched some more TJ Hooker or something. It’s funny to think that violence was a non-issue not even 20 or so years ago. Today kids can’t play Mortal Kombat without an adult…yet they have all the porn in the world at their fingertips. Its weird how f*cked up everything is. And speaking of Mortal Kombat…

7. Going to Arcades – Arcades used to have two types of games, the ones that were one quarter, and the ones that were two quarters. This is one of the first situations where cost/benefit analysis played a role in your life. “Do I have two games of Golden Axe or one of Wrestlemania? What would be the most effective use of my $.050?” Also, you could be 10 years old and stumble into an arcade and see Sub-Zero rip the spine out of Kano. This was normal. I’m anxious to know if any kid ever tried to rip the spine out of their friend in some wrestling match they were having in the living room. I would think common sense would step in, because even at 10, you should know that this is f*ckin impossible. So is breathing fire and ripping a heart though a chest with your bare f*ckin hands. If your kid every tried these things they missed a crucial part in life when they learned not to try to kill people. You should teach them that before they leave the house ya know? Video game voilence isn't the problem, stupidity is.

6. Driving Without Seatbelts – This was pretty much a bad thing to do anyway, but today a parent would be locked up if they had their kids in the back of an F-150. Back then, if you could physically fit the kids in the vehicle you were good to go. I would go on complete road trips in the back of a Datsun, reading comic books. I loved it; it was like my own little camp back there. Fall asleep when I want, getting woke up when I needed some potato chips, it was great. It’s socially irresponsible to even think of being in a car without a seatbelt today and rightfully so. It’s amazing to think that really not that long ago they were pretty much just an option. Of course the seatbelts weren’t exactly that great, because it was the ones that only went around your waste. Didn’t they ever do crash tests with these types of belts and realize that, “Wow, that dummy almost got ripped in half, I don’t think that’s what we’re aiming for here.”

5. Biking Without Helmets – Back in the day, falling off a bike was your fault. You drove in traffic at your own discretion and even though the odds were quite obvious that if you on your little ass bike got hit at any point by a two tonne vehicle the result was going to be less than great. We have moved from having no protection at all to only protecting the head. Even though the head controls the entire remaining portions of your body, it’s not necessary to wear any other sort of protection. You can actually ride around naked, and as long as you have a helmet on your cranium you’re good to go. You may have to cover your testicles with a leaf or something, but that's it.

4. Collecting Hockey Cards - Having Jaromir Jagr's rookie card was more of a symbol of pride and recognition amongst friends than it was about what monetary entitlement it actually had. Because according to the price guide this thing was worth $8.50. Now the fact that $8.50 is not much of anything, it is when you compare it to cards worth $.013. It's all in relation when it comes to hockey cards. Unfortunatly having it worth eight bucks didn't necessarily mean you were getting eight bucks for it when you wanted to get some Ah Caramel cakes and some penny sour candy. We had to pay $4 for the f*ckin price guide anyway (we were kids, or investment skills were limited). But the card was worth half of $8.50. So technically its worth $4 right minus the cost to find out what it should be worth. No wonder these days are over. Logic stepped in and we all but said "fuck this, I want $8 instead of a f*ckin card....fuck Jagr!"

3. Buying Music - Buying music itself is almost a laughable topic in its own, but buying it on cassette tape just symbolizes your place in the history books. I would spend $14.99 on a cassette tape of Heavy D & the Boyz "Living Large". F*ck, I still have that thing, and obviously it's in perfect condition, because finding something that plays tapes that isn't a vehicle is impossible. I open up that plastic case and check out all the thanks and What Ups! in the insert. It's hilarious. Also, gone are the days of waiting for release dates and ordering music. I ordered Outkast's first album from this independent music store called Backstreet Records and the guy looked at me like I was ordering a chocolate covered testicle holster...Like, "What the f*ck is that?" Outcast? No it's with a K, it's Outkast. They are black dudes they spell things cooler. Yeah, that tape never arrived.

2. Steal Sh*t! - Don't even front, you know you stole sh*t when you were a kid. We were f*ckin kids, how else were we to get anything? Paper routes, bottle returns...no, it was easier to just take it. Now we weren't breaking into homes and stealing diamond rings and sh*t like that (even though this did indeed happen once n awhile) no you were stealing sh*t that you pretty much thought was rightfully yours anyway. Potato chips, candy bars, hockey cards, comic books. F*ck I didn't see many adults reading Aquaman comics, they made that sh*t for us. Imagine how much crap we would have stole if we knew that the law basically didn't apply to young little bastards stealing stuff. No wonder adults hated us.

1. Looking for Porn - When there was no internet, a rum and coke was easier to find than a Penthouse magazine. And if you had a Penthouse magazine you made damn sure no one was finding that sh*t. If Indiana Jones was to come into your home he could not find this f*ckin magazine. When it came to hiding porn you gained the elusive traits of a mass murderer hiding bodies. You had that sh*t hidden like a chameleon on a tree. When you're a kid, finding a Playboy magazine was like finding the third piece of the Triforce...an epic achievement unlike no other. And it was actually like a Zelda quest if anyone chose to embark on this journey to find it. And then the internet came along and well....could it be any easier? It can't! It cannot be any easier at all. Wait it can. As soon as Google Images can read your mind and search based on thought...that's the easiest. Unfortunately we have to type it in right now, but type in anything...take the safe search filter off, search for anything, and you may get to page 3 before you hit some porn.

What did you used to do as a kid?

Show me Love - Part 2

2009-10-08T00:00:00.001-03:00

Good thing there is an abundance of lame in the world. Part 2 of the complete sarcastic look at things I love. You can find the first 13 here.

14. I love people who put the change on the counter instead of giving it to the person. Especially when they do it one coin at a time. At least take all that f*ckin change out of your pocket first, count it in your hand and put it in a little ass pile. Don't count the nickels one by one as you sift through your purse. Actually just give the cashier your purse where they can dump it out. They'll exchange your coffee for a lipstick and a Sony Ericcson.

15. People who use more than five pennies during any transaction. Pennies are not even real money. Yes, they look like money, they are stated as money, but no one uses them. The only time pennies should be allowed to be used in public is in denominations of five or less. Because over five should be a nickel. Everyone should have the right to refuse those f*ckin pennies if there are six or more visible. No more saying "this is all I got", because this is all I got for you until you get some damn nickels and dimes...nothing. Get the f*ck out!

16. People who don't pay attention to who/what is around them while driving. You are moving forward most times in a vehicle, meaning you should look forward. But that doesn't mean that the world you just zoomed by doesn't exist anymore. There are many people going in the same direction that you are right behind you. So if you're turning left and there is only one lane, be on the left side of that lane. Don't sit in the f*ckin middle where no one can get by. Also, don't drive slow looking for a f*ckin address at 5pm on a Wednesday. Get a GPS. That sh*t is annoying.

17. I love people who Tweet in some sort of unknown dialect. "KeriFan09: guys wat happened wid chris brown aint none of our busines,though he wasnt specific lol wen tlkin bout da incident but.its dere life nt ours" What the f*ck is that KeriFan09????

18. I love paper towel dispensers that rely on you pulling the f*ckin paper down. Real easy when your damn hands are soaked. You have to be super quick to get a piece without it tearing. Real smart Frank!

19. I love that electronic synthesized voice over effect they seem to use in most rap and urban radio sh*t. It's amazing that this is just accepted and no one has any sort of problem with it. It was kinda cool in California Love but when an artist is completely created from this digital effect (T-Pain) it's just f*cked up. We've reached a point where actually singing abilities is not a necessity for being a singer. Isn't that amazing?

20. I love radio commercials. What's not to love about a commercial that has so rely on verbal communication only? I love how there has never been anything close to being somewhat effective. Nothing that has been close to being a believeable scenario at all. Can't radio just die already?

21. I love how I can't tell whether something is one of these horrible radio commercials or an actual song by some sort of "recording artist".

22. I love people who don't know how to use ATMs. Could it be any easier? They even had to put the lines that follow from the button down tot he screen option because I guess people were pushing the wrong buttons. Like here's the button....follow this line....see this equals Savings...good. Do you want to get money out of the machine? Yes, then plan this sh*t ahead. Don't sit there choosing sh*t like Howie Mandel is on the f*ckin phone! Do you want to deposit money....oh no! You have to insert it in an envelope...it's right there on the side! There's a big f*ckin supply of them right beside you...there is nothign else to pick, this is not difficult! How do I put my money in? Look at the screen, there is a picture of an envelope with a hand! That's you...do that. I'm guessing it said "insert envelope" just in text at some point...they realized this is asking too much from the geenral public.

23. I love Soulja Boy and all his classic forms of music. I swear we will literally look back in 10 years time and beat the hell out of ourselves like Ed Norton in Fight Club when he's in his bosses' office. They will find Soulja Boy CDs in a landfill with all the Atari 2600 E.T. games.

24. I love Chai Lattes. Chai is in. Ordering a Chai Latte at Starbucks is like ordering a Vodka Martini at a bar. You just want some sort of public reaction when you get it, like "Damn, that's one trendy individual!" Every Chai Latte should come with a Frank Sinatra CD. They're right there onthe counter, why the f*ck not. Just build it into the price they won't even notice. "Chai Lattes are now $15.49...but the come with a Sinatra album!" Sold!

What do you love?

Things Old People Like #3 – Liquorice Allsorts

2009-09-28T00:05:00.000-03:00

Old people have a sweet tooth that never ages. The candy they remember as a youth remain as a look back into their once youthful lives. And no other candy has quite the impact on the senior population than these square liquorice candy things. It’s guaranteed that if old people are around, you’ll mind of bowl of these things somewhere in their home. This entire assortment of candy has not one tolerable piece. Just look at the explanation of what these things contain: These confections are made of liquorice, sugar, coconut, aniseed jelly, fruit flavorings, and gelatine. Good Lord! Coconut, jelly, fruit and gelatine….who the f*ck thought this would work? This must have been a mistake or something? Maybe they were making Big Turk bars and Mounds and decided to f*ck up the assembly line. I have no idea how that combination became a success without being a complete mistake.

Usually when you take a piece of candy (black liquorice) and add more candy (sprinkles) and forge them into appealing shapes (squares which make them look like little sandwiches) you usually can’t go wrong. Candy plus candy usually equals better candy…but not in this case. Black liquorice should be left alone. It should exist in the obvious straw shape that liquorice is supposed to be. Coconut can continue to be banned from everything. You suck coconut.

Return to the Cuban Linx

2009-09-16T00:03:00.049-03:00

"See these fans can’t resist the rush, they Wu Tang for life, scarred for life, they can’t forget the cuts” - Method Man

To begin this article I had to go way back to 1994. I went into my CD collection (pictured below) and looked in the stacks for the object, or at least, the reason why I was so amped yesterday. September 15th 2009 saw the release of the LONG awaited “Only Built For Cuban Linx Pt.2”. It has been even longer since I was this amped up for any album. The sequel to one of my personal favorite albums of all time, is finally here. Was it everything it should be? Was it everything it HAD to be? Does it deserve to be mentioned in the same breath as its predecessor? Christ yes!

Let’s roll it back shall we? Flip back to 1995, a year after arguably the best year for hip-hop, everything was dope and everyone was dropping albums that as it turns out would stand the test of time. Near the head of the class was the Clan. The entire Wu-Tang Clan. A group Tom and I never agreed on. Back in those days the Wu could do no wrong and I loved the grimmey dark sound they created. Tom on the other hand, was a fan of a few of their cuts, but hated most of the stuff die hard Wu fans loved, (see: Liquid Swords). It didn’t matter who, if they were from the Wu, I had their album.

In late summer 1995 I remember walking uptown to the local Sam the Record Man store. I went in for an album that escapes me, but I recall being upset it wasn’t there. As I was flipping through the cd’s I remember seeing a lot of stuff I already had, then as I flicked an album by onto the next, something caught my eye. I flipped back, and there in all it’s glory, was Raekwon’s debut album “Only Built for Cuban Linx”. How did I forget this was dropping? I completely missed it. What kind of fan am I that I would forget this album was now available? I hurried to the checkout to pay for my new purple spine CD, as he was counting my change I ripped open the plastic and whipped out my Discman (Tom, remember when a Discman was top of the line, With 3 second anti skip?).

Before I was even out of the store, I was listening to the appropriately titled introduction (Striving for Perfect) to an album that would define and cap a time that will forever be remembered as the best time in hip-hop. Song after song, line after line, Rae, Ghost, and the rest of the Wu unleashed an intricate, masterly sculpted album. Raekwon, as any other musician is an artist, and this was his Mona Lisa. I can’t even begin to tell you how many spins this cd has had over the years, and even today, there isn’t a modern hip-hop album that comes to mind that can go track for track with what Rae gave us all those years ago.

And here we are in 2009, September, almost 15 years since the world had its first listen to that album. Rae followed up his classic with a couple records that had some songs that kept him relevant, but never recapturing the magic of his first release. But for some reason, when I first heard “Only Built for Cuban Linx Part 2” was going to be released, I knew that Rae would once again be unveiling an album that has been sorely lacking in the hip-hop world of today. I didn’t even need to hear it to know he would not call this album a sequel to a classic, unless he knew what he had crafted, was worthy. Let’s be honest here. Everyone knows sequels generally destroy the original, as when you think about the classic, the awful sequel(s) always come up. See Police Academy 2 through 19 or wherever they stopped, American Pie, The Matrix, Batmans (Pre Chris Nolan) and on and on. So the chances realistically that a sequel to one of the best hip-hop albums of all time could be a stinker, were very real. But someone forget to tell Raekwon.

Raekwon must have action planned this whole project, from beginning to end. He must have known the subject matter, the beats, the guests and the vibe before he ever stepped into the booth. To call an album a sequel to such a highly regarded piece of work, he had to do his homework. After first listen, then second...third...forth...and fifth, its very apparent that Rae holds his debut as close to his heart as we the fans do, because he damn near reached the level of perfect he was striving for way back then.

It’s not hard to know that Rae is a fan of film. His songs and albums, personas are all heavily based on themes from popular movies. Scarface, the Godfather, and other movies based around the rise and fall of master criminals. And after listening through OBFCL2 yet again, one sees that he was a student of Francis Ford Coppolas, George Lucas, heck even Kevin Smith. Why these men? There are all examples of people who were able to create a sequel to their original work, without destroying it, and in some cases, if not all, surpassing the original subject matter. The key to making a strong sequel, in my eyes, is to not attempt to RE DO the original work. Rather one should try to maintain the spirit of the original while updating the listener or viewers since we last left off.

In this vein, Raekwon does exactly that. Instead of a collection of songs with no real direction or an album with no flow, we get an album that allows Rae and fam to do what they do best--be storytellers. The original was completely produced by The Rza, this time however Raekwon relies on a collection of tracks from some of the best beat smiths of this and past generations. Dre, Dilla, Rza, Scarm Jones, and Pete Rock to name a few. It’s rare nowadays to see a collection of producers of this caliber on one project, even more signs that this was going to be a great album. The question is, was it all it HAD to be?

For this writer, life long "Hip Hopper", and fan, it exceeded my expectations. I expect a dope album without any doubt, but today’s standards are, well, lessened by the generation we are in. The production that made us all fall in love with the early 90’s hip hop is largely gone, replaced by synthesized nonsense, cuts and scratches replaced with robotic voices or chipmunks. The MC is only part of the equation. Every aspect has to be on point for me to truly love an album. I happy to tell you all, that everyone involved in this project stepped their game up, and helped Raekwon craft an album worthy to be called “Only Built for Cuban Linx Pt 2”.

22 tracks deep +2 bonus on I-Tunes, Only one “skit” being the intro, leaves us 23 tracks that flow and keep the listener engaged and wanting more. THAT is the key, to be able to end a song and want the fan waiting with anticipation for the next track to begin. Many albums today you skip through and find the couple cuts that are the standouts. To deliver an album that demands you listen without skipping forward is a damn rare feat, but in the 23 tracks that create this album, there wasn’t once that I said, “I need to skip this track”. Raekwon, Ghostface, Deck, Method Man, RZA, GZA, Masta Killa, and Cappadonna all do their part to remind fans, why we love the Wu Tang Clan in the first place.

“House of Flying Daggers” is a perfect jump off to the album, continuing with a strong opening posse cut with a wu banger beat. It’s damn nice to hear these cats spit over raw tracks again. “The New Wu” should be getting play on Much Music and MTV as much as any current artist, it’s a return to form for the mighty Clan. Rza dropped arguably his best beat in years, Method sounds hungry again, and ghost flows as if he has to show the world exactly why there are Wu Heads.

“Sonny’s Missing” sees Rae spit a story like only he can over a Pete Rock laced track. It’s tracks like this that Raekwon fans love to hear from Rae, he truly does use his voice and words as a canvas for the world. “Pyrex Vision” is one of the strongest cuts on the entire album, however it’s only 55 seconds long. If EVER a song needed to be remixed, it’s this one. Same beat, same slow tempo, but let it flow for another 2 minutes. In the end however, it is one of the shortest classic cuts I have ever heard. “Cold Outside”, “Black Mozart”, “Mean Streets”, ”Kiss the Ring”, and “Catalina” are all examples of Rae and the Wu continuing with emotional, personal songs that they perfected with songs like “Heaven and Hell”. Ghost was featured on the album way back when, and he continues to be his half brothers strongest supporter, as he is all over this album as well.

Missing from this entire project is obviously Ol Dirty Bastard. One of the most original, funny, and talented members of the Wu, he is remembered on this album. “Ason Jones” is a tribute track by Raekwon told over a Dilla beat. Is there anything more touching then the fact Raekwon chose to remember his fallen brother, over a track produced by a man who died due to health complications? The lyrics and Rae’s emotions are for ODB, but the tone and perfection remind us how talented J-Dilla was. It’s times like this it’s painful to reminisce, and hard to be hip-hop.

In the end however, this album does what I, and I think every fan wanted it to do. Take us back to a time when it was all about showing and proving, almost daring his peers to listen and try to out album him. My only complaints are that “Pyrex Vision” is far too short, and where the hell is U-God? After dropping his surprisingly strong “Dopium” I would love to have heard him go “Knuckleheadz” on a track or two. Sales and support for this album seem to be strong, hitting #1 on I-tunes (not available on I-tunes Canada??) and seeing artists such as NORE and Torre supporting with the wallet, I truly hope this is the start of resurgence in the sound we all grew up loving. Remember, you don’t have to “RE-DO” to win us all back, you just have to "RE-CAPTURE" us. For lessons on how to do this, please listen to “Only Built For Cuban Linx Part 2”. From here on out, artists will be scored accordingly. The Chef is back, and he cooked a perfect continuation to a classic.

Rob

Tom's notes:

Liquid Swords just never did it for me. I think the initial exposure to this album being the "Liquid Swords" track just killed the rest for me.
Don't forget Speed 2. It literally killed that franchise on the spot....wtf is this?
I had a discman with no skip protection. A rotating disc that is read by a laser constructed to be carted around? Fail.
And finally, Raekwon's first Cuban Linx was for me (me being not a big Wu fan) a true classic in the making..as it became.

In with the Old...

2009-09-14T00:04:00.003-03:00

Back from the summer break, Bringing it to the Table returns with fresh content, useless observations, and top ten lists of random content. Thanks for staying with us for this time off, and hope to hear from you moving forward this year. Rob and myself, both being huge hip-hop fans frequently chat about the current horrible rap scene and reminisce about the golden era of hip-hop.

We're both over 30 now, and for the younger readers, yes there was a time when rap WAS good. You can always find gems hidden in the mess of hip-hop that remains popular today. Everyone has their favorite types of music and the music they relate the most too. Myself, I've grown to appreciate such artists as Zero 7, Thievery Corporation, etc, so my taste in music has branched out to include more than just hip-hop. But hip-hop, like any music that someone has grown up with remains to me, the music that I find defines me.

There's nothing that makes me remember the days of old better than listening to Tribe's Midnight Marauders album, or watching the '93 til Infinity video on YouTube. Even going further back to the Hootie Mack stage and queing up some Bell Biv Devoe or some Bobby Brown...don't laugh, that was the sh*t back then....at least where I'm from.

My love for hip-hop will never die. Even though some fans have given up, myself and Rob still talk about new artists, new tracks, and recent hip-hop news. To us in regards to music, it's still there, the talent is still out there. With the recent popularity swing of hip-hop in the last decade, money and profit have become a priority to many artists as witnessed in most videos. But back when you had to wait for albums to be released, and needed to get to the store to get a fresh tape, where talent made you an artist..it's still out there. On Wednesday, Rob brings his review of Raekwon's new album, Only Built for Cuban Link II. Anyone familiar with Raekwon's first Cuban Linx album will know, that this Wu members initial effort is a hard one to live up to. A true classic and one of the best Wu solo albums there has ever been, including "Ice Cream", "Rainy Dayz" and 'Glaciers of Ice" are memorable. 14 years later how did the Cuban Link follow-up measure up? Tune in Wednesday.

Why Your Girlfriend Doesn't Care (Video Games)

2009-09-09T00:05:00.001-03:00

Now before I even dive into why this is, let’s set the record that not all girls hate video games, but the majority really don’t appreciate them at all. They don’t see the big deal, and they think a PS3, an Xbox 360 and a Wii are all the same. Which is like telling them dance reality shows are all the same.

Simply having them state that a game looks real isn’t enough to justify appreciation in a video game. Today, a lot of games look “real”, and over the past couple of years have made tremendous leaps in the reality sense. But it’s the little things that add up when it comes to reality; an appreciation to details that may only be noticed by the hardcore fanatics. Little things mean the most in life and the same goes for video games as well. You can’t point out how the display in the Nissan GT-R in Gran Turismo 5 Prologue actually works, or how the real time light effects inside the car are so impressive. They just don’t get it. They can’t appreciate because they never knew it was never there before. If it looks real they expect everything to be real. They don’t really care that Kobe Bryant acts like Kobe Bryant. Like, he’s Kobe Bryant, he should act like Kobe anyway shouldn’t he? Yes, but that sh*t is impressive. When you come from Bulls vs. Blazers you can easily just stare at NBA 2K9 in awe noticing not only how far they have come but how dedicated they must be to include things like official mascots, people walking in the stands, and every f*ckin player’s tattoos!

Let's take a look at the most accurate source of answers for random questions, Yahoo Answers. Here's where the world's best answer your questions. I was going to spell check those answers but why even bother, it's better this way.

What do girls hate video games?

“I think that SOME girls may dislike SOME video games because some video games reveal too much of a girls body, making guys act sexist around some girls. Plus its kinda disrespectful to have a girl half naked on a video game, then have some guys think that, that's what girls are "suppost" to look like. But i LEVEE video games. ALMOST ALL VIDEO GAMES!!!”

This must have been before internet porn existed but after game graphics started looking photo-realistic. Wait, no that time doesn’t exist. This answer is just stupid.

“I don't hate video games I just hate when guys play them 24/7 and make it their life. I mean its a game whatever just don't turn it into your reality. I feel bad for people that ONLY play video games and don't have a life. Too much of anything is bad. It's annoying when they start talking about certain games and get all into it and stuff and it just makes me feel awkward like um is the video game more important than real people and life experiences?”

I’m going with 10/7 max. We still need to eat, sleep and get to the liquor store. And really you should appreciate that we are excited about video games and this is where our free time is spent. We are with you talking about it, you could at least support our interests. We could be out spending our money on strippers and drugs, would you prefer that?

“I am a girl, but I think the reason that some girls hate video games is because they are absolutley a waste of time. Since girls can multitask better then guys, they can think of a million different things that they could be doing like chores, walking the dog, mowing the lawn, homework, reading, and sooo much more. Most people don't think of those things, I do. I get too absorbed in them and then I get mad at myself because the whole time all I can think about is that I have other things to do. Alot of girls like video games though. I don't .” I hope you find this as BEST answer ;)

No I find it the worst answer. Girls can multi-task better than guys? Where is that proof? You can’t just make up statistics. If you get too absorbed in something and get mad at yourself than you have your own f*ckin problems. Everyone who has succeeded in anything has been absorbed in the task at hand. You can’t half-ass your way into a thesis can you? Since you have homework listed there in your "better things to do", I’m guessing you’re still in school. You get too absorbed in your homework, get frustrated and quit. Good luck with that. Why don’t YOU walk the dog for a change, you ever think of that? You stated that most people don't think of reading, homework, etc. Really, you are the special one that thinks of more than one thing. Wow, congratulations on your accomplishment of thought.

“Well, I think that it’s just the way we are. Girls are more like cleaning and shopping, but not staying at home or somewhere to play. Also, we think it’s boring and Lame.”

Sounds like a dude quoted this from the Book of Streotypes, 1st Edition.

So in conclusion if you have a girlfriend you’re trying to convert into actually appreciating video games…you won’t. If she has some childhood memories of Super Mario Bros or Duck Hunt, just leave it at that. That's as far as you're getting. The leaps and bounds that video games have made are less than impressive to her. Even if you think they are sharing in your awe…they are not, they are just doing it for you. Just appreciate it for what it is. Tell them you like their shoes and what they are wearing. It's all about making each other happy here.

Off for the Summer

2009-07-07T10:32:00.002-03:00

As if you haven’t guessed, Bringing it to the Table is on a hiatus. Posts will not resume until September of 2009 where the frequency in posts will resume. Summer months bring responsibilities that have taken my time away from the blog and during these limited warm months I am finding myself not having the time I need to put the effort I want towards the subject matter. I have been working on some post ideas and they are coming together slowly. Don’t think the blog has shut down; go out and enjoy your summer, and we’ll see you in the fall.

Enjoy, and see ya soon.

Things Old People Like #2 – Cribbage

2009-06-04T09:27:00.002-03:00

Cribbage boards are synonymous with old people. Any time you find yourself in the company of old people or will soon enter the residence of an older person be on the lookout for a cribbage board. Cribbage “Crib” is a card game that involves grouping cards in some sort of strategic way, in turn gaining points and progressing a stick with the accumulated said points until you reach the end, thus claiming a win. It’s basically like an Atari game before Atari. That’s how fun this game is!

Old people frequently gather on Sunday’s and talk about recent happenings in the neighbourhood, sales on grapes at Sobey’s, and orange Metamucil. During these weekly chats, games sometimes break out from seemingly nowhere. Crib boards are usually well within reach, and can be easily slid under the chesterfield, under the end table, or in a drawer. Keep in mind that no old person owns a new cribbabge board. They will ahev one of the original ones, when sh*t was crafted by hand. It may even have the manufacturer’s signature and date of production carved into the board. There is no way you will find a cribbage board that existed anytime after you were born.

Things Old People Like #1 - Toyota Camry

2009-06-03T14:39:00.003-03:00

Older people, like everyone have to be able to commute. They have to able to visit Shopper’s Drug Mart, Tim Horton’s, and on Sundays, a local Arby’s Restaurant. Now to attain prescriptions, coffee, and Beef and Cheddar combos, they somehow have to get to their said destination. Now many older people love bigger vehicles, they give a sense of comfort, space, and of course safety. But as we know, those things only exist for the occupant for us outside in the vicinity of the older person it’s a much different story. Now even though the Crown Victoria, Ford Five Hundred, Chrysler Concorde, and every model of Buick are all popular among this target market, the Toyota Camry is by far one of top choices. Because even though each car can be argued by older people to have its own benefits including cream colored interior, large trunk space, the Toyota Camry claims one proven feature that cannot be touched byt the others; and that is reliability. Because Toyota is not a North American company the claims for reliability, even though argued endlessly, can not be touched. Especially considering that the North American auto market is currently in the sh*tter, The Camry can expect record sales by older customers.

In anticipation, dealers should have beautiful showrooms including chesterfields instead of modern comfort, as well as free tea, Social Tea biscuits, and the first season of Matlock on DVD. Associating product and lifestyle is a key component to repeat customers.

93 year old drives through Wal-Mart

Nova Scotia's Classified

2009-04-10T10:03:00.010-03:00

You know growing up in New Brunswick you get used to the rest of Canada and the US ignoring you, and your surrounding Atlantic provinces. Ask anyone west of Ontario where Saint John is and 90% of the time they will tell you Newfoundland. That’s fine, we keep to ourselves, work hard and appreciate life for all that it is. A few years ago the hockey world was taken by storm by the young stick phenom Sidney Crosby (rightfully so). Cameras and news crews all crashed Cole Harbour in hopes of a few words from the kids family, coaches, and fellow residents who have witness his flashes of brilliance. It was well deserved, and as Sidney has proven, it’s all legit, he has turned into the very face of the NHL that is marketed from coast to coast.

But you know, there is a lot of talent here. All of Atlantic Canada has kids who excel in some aspect or another, but goes largely unnoticed by Canada as a whole simply because of the locale they reside in. It’s a shame, but it's something we have all grown accustomed to. We have big shoulders and love being Canada’s best kept secret. However, this month saw another release of one of Canada's most consistent music artists.

Album after album Classified grows, matures, and outdoes himself setting not only a personal bar higher, but the national bar of what a dope Hip Hop album can sound like. He has layed wax with some of the best, from Canadian pioneer Fresh Wes, to West Coast legend Tash, back down to the East Coast own underground legend Royce the 5'9.

He continues his own tradition of excellence and pushing one to touch new levels of creation, while never sounding repetitive or tired. Well over 10 years in the game and Class still sounds as hungry and in love with the music as he did when I first him back on “It Ain’t Over”. Here is the amazing thing. Classified continues to write and produce is own music. This is insane. Guru had Premier, Nas had Premo, Serch, Large Pro and More, Snoop had Dre, Everyone in Wu had RZA, I know, some of these aren't fair comparisons, but why not? Would we have loved Illmatic as much if it wasn't laced with the tracks we all heard? Would Doggystyle be as relevant as it is if it weren't for Dres mastery? Would The Wu albums and solo releases be as classic if RZA hadn’t of touched em? Well let's answer the latter like this, how many non RZA produced WU cds are actually good? My point is that not only does the man write, does the man spit, but the man produces every single track he releases, and I think that’s something that deservers far more respect and recognition than it gets. Respect the real.

Let me take it back a few years ago. Back in '99 or '98, I can’t really recall the exact time frame, but I was living at home still, the internet was new and I was becoming an addict as I was finding all kinds of information on artists all over the world. One click led to another, another led me there, and this was were I first heard about Classified. His photo was nothing more than a skinny white boy on a stage with torn jeans and a mic in hand. His name was Classified and he hailed from Nova Scotia. I remember thinking, wow this dude is going to be terrible, how much can a kid from Nova Scotia have to offer the Hip Hop scene. One listen to the real audio stream of “It Ain’t Over” and I was instantly a fan. Catchy beat, cocky lyrics, and heart. I looked all around the site and found a link to e-mail the man himself. Now I can’t even pretend to remember what I said to the man, but it revolved around me introducing myself as a fan, and some props, and asking where I could find his albums. He hit me back and asked for my mailing address, thanked me for the love and that was it. Not 2 weeks later I received 3 vinyl gems in the mail from the young artist with some of his singles. Ladies and Gentlemen, that right there is a man who cares about his music and reaching out to his fans. Ever since that moment I have been a huge Class fan, and now over 10 years later, I have witnessed this skinny white kid from Nova Scotia transform into, in my books, the face of Canadian Hip Hop, even though he doesn’t get anywhere near the attention he deserves, nationally or globally.

Let it be said now that Classified did it all with his own blood and sweat. This new album, “Self Explanatory” is his first on a major label. His 11 albums prior, he wrote, produced, pressed and marketed on his own. The work involved to become who he is today must have made the man question his own motivations and doubt his contributions from time to time, but rest assured, we are all better for having Classified release music, the fact he is from Atlantic Canada just shows that no matter how far from the mainstream you are, that even the smallest town can produce talent that can better any profession. Lucky for us, Classified IS HIP HOP, and Hip Hop in Canada is alive and well, thanks to true artists like Classified. Keeping doing what you do Class, you have become one of the artists whose cd I will purchase without hesitate or having to listen to it first, because I know that no matter the album I will find a kid who loves the art-form he represents and continually leads by example by mastering dope hip hop.

Name me one artist who has released 12 albums, written and produced by one artist, and has an Outkast like level of consistency. You can't? It's because there isn't anyone, the man calls himself Classified, or Class for short. Why? Simple, He stands in a Class all his own where he grows to new levels of thoroughness as each year passes. Do yourself a favor, go out and cop his new album, or some of his past work, and as you listen, remind yourself that this kid did it all his way, by his rules, on his time, and your respect he will have earned. And you know, if by the end of "Oh...Canada" you aren't insanely proud of who you are, and where you live, then all I can offer is stop reading this Hip Hop blog and go back to listening to your Lil Wayne cd, it's too late for you and Classified is above your bar.

Until next time.
Rob

Show me Love - Part 1

2009-04-01T16:56:00.007-03:00

Everyone has things they love. Some people love puppy dogs, some people love Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. I love a lot of things. Actually reading through you’ll see that this is a purely sarcastic look into things I love.

1. I love snow in April – I love the ambiguous season of spring that has no idea if it wants to be filled with showers or f*ckin snow. Like it looks warm out and there is sun and everything, and then you walk outside and it’s zero degrees or a f*ckin twister just touched down on Quinpool. I love that.

2. I love potholes – I love how they are exactly the same depth everywhere. Maybe this year they can mix in a little crazy glue or some sh*t, because it doesn’t look like last year’s concoction worked now did it?

3. I love the fact that there are no lines painted on the road. Now, if you’re driving somewhere new to you, you have no idea if the road you’re on turns left or goes to Perdition. And then you’re at fault and people get pissed. “Like mother-f*cker, I can’t see sh*t and this road is four lanes…I think it’s four.”

4. I love the shopping network. I love how people still buy sh*t on TV because it’s on a rotating pedestal. Like that sh*t is not on sale. They didn’t have a surplus of duvets and decide to slash prices to clear them out. That sh*t was always cheap.

5. I love the Shamwow. I love how it soaks up Coke like Kate Moss. I love that crazy Shamwow guy and his headset. If it would have been a Bluetooth headset I would have tried to dropkick him through my own television.

6. I love getting a piece of egg shell in my scrambled eggs. That’s exactly what I want in my eggs is a mysterious crunch. It really helps me really want more eggs.

7. I love Wal-Mart. I love witnessing the worst in parenting. Wal-Mart is like a zoo. Just come and observe. Put fruit punch on sale grab a seat and enjoy. I also love those big throw blankets you can get with a picture of your family on it. I love tacky sh*t.

8. I love Rogers. Rogers is great because it’s a cell phone provider, and if you have a cell phone you share my love. I love how they are so consistent with billing, coverage, repairs and anything else. I also love how they would rather me cancel my account that has two months left rather than sell me a cell phone on a three year plan. I basically love situations that defy logic.

9. I love Paris Hilton – I love all her BFFs. I love how the important things in life are laid out right there on one show. I love what kids are growing up to. I love the dumbing down of the world. I love how progression has been halted to focus on BFFS, LOLS, ROFLS, WTFS, and other things that people can’t be bothered spelling out.

10. I love Apple. I love how Steve Jobs is bitch-slapping the entire population into buying a new phone or iPod every six months and no one cares. Where’s my f*ckin iPhone, I have to pick a restaurant tonight and my brain’s reasoning capabilities can’t handle it anymore. “Look I can make pictures bigger by doing this….hahaha.” F*ck, ya got me Steve.

11. I love music. I love chart topping musicin particular. It keeps all the horrible music right where people will see it while keeping the quality artists that don’t make sh*t underground and independent. Oh look, another Beyonce track. If I was a boy? Really? We’ve reached this point?

12. I love that Heidi Montag sings. i love how I actually f*ckin know that. I love how the only reason I heard of it is because I heard how sh*tty it was. I love how word spreads quicker about crap than quality now.

13. I love McDonalds because they have exciting new menu items. I love having a Big Mac in a wrap just in case I couldn’t get a Big Mac on a bun from the same restaurant I am in when I order the wrap. I love how people think that this is a healthy alternative. A healthy alternative to McDonalds is pretty much everything, so think about it. I can’t wait for the Filet-O-Wrap-O-Fish© I love how I put a copyright symbol on that, because you know it could f*ckin happen.

What do you love recently. Join me.

Stress & Memories: The Hip Hop Effect

2009-03-23T00:00:00.000-03:00

Something occurred to me yesterday, as I was having a horrible day. It started with some ignorant clown hitting my car, then in his or hers fear fueled thought process, decided being a piece of dirt lower than the kind that affixes itself to dogshit would be the best option, and simply drive away. Great start to a day, having to shell out $1300. As the day progressed at work, just one thing after another popped up, issue after issue, stress rising, and anger that only seems to show itself after weeks or months of building. No folks - yesterday was not a good day. One of the worst I have had in some time. As soon as work was over, it was straight to the liquor store for some rum and a night of rum on the rocks.

Fast forward about 4 hours, and I am as calm as I was before this dreadful day began. I am smiling, playing with my son, laughing, and, bobbing my head. It was not the booze that did this to me, nor a smoke or puff of anything magic, it was an album from 1993; A classic album for my ears, one that every song has a memory of that time of my life. As soon as “Powerful Impak” begins banging its way out of my speakers and I am in ear shot, I instantly think of the summer as a teenager, playing basketball at Fegan court in North End, Saint John, and Tom spilling a mocha all over his shirt as we walk down to the court, and instantly…I am calm.

For some folks, a stiff drink takes the edge off. For others, a puff of something will clear their mind. For me, all I need is a classic record and enough time to absorb the sounds. It’s not about listening to music for the sake of background noise - not all the time. For me, it’s a way to unwind and be taken back to a time when I didn’t have to worry about car repairs; I didn’t have to worry about making sure the bills where paid; and I sure as hell didn’t have to work a 9-5. It was just about finding good music, having a good time, and enjoying life.

So I thought I would take some time today to share some of my favorite albums and recall the memories attached to each one. Let’s do it.

4. Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik – Outkast - This one is easy. This came out in 1994, I remember first hearing the single “Players Ball” on B.E.T. and was instantly a fan. I managed to get the cassette tape from a local Mom and Pops record store and couldn’t believe they had this. This was still back when good music usually had to be special ordered at most shops.

The boardwalk here in our city was a happening place back then, and on a Friday or Saturday night in the summer you could go uptown, see hundreds of people enjoying the night while a live band played. Beer was easy to get even if you were under age, as it was all about having a good time - most of the sellers didn’t even look twice. On this one night, as I was walking around with my beer, I bumped into Tom who I hadn’t really seen since school ended for the summer. We immediately started bullshitting about Hip Hop. I mentioned to him that I managed to get the new Outkast album and that he could borrow it to have a listen. The next day Tom stopped over and grabbed the tape, and for the rest of that summer, we were pretty tight, playing ball, messing around with Metroid on the SNES, or just listening to music. It was a summer that my tastes matured from the Rah Rah gangster hip hop, to the smoother, jazzed out sound that I love today, and I owe that to this album, as it was, and remains, one the most important records of its time, both for the music, and for me personally. To this day, when I hear a track from this album, I instantly think about bumping into Tom that summer night, which led to the whole summer being about hip hop.

3. Bacdafucup – Onyx - Another album, another summer. 1993 was a great summer, mostly because our family had an amazing family re-union and I got to build with some family that I had never met, or talked to since I was a young boy. That summer I was exposed to some other music, such as Pantera and Alice in Chains. My cousin tried to expose me to music that he enjoys, and I gave it my best effort, but it just wasn’t for me. I in turn tried to get him to warm up to De La Soul or NWA, but no, not for him. Until one day I was watching Rap City and a video for “Slam” came on. I had heard it before and had the album, and I enjoyed the track, although the album has some far better songs. But my cousin, loved this track. It was a little more metal for him and his tastes and he could mosh to it or whatever the hell they do. But looking back, we listened to that album for the remainder of the summer, because it acted as a happy medium. By him diggin’ on Slam, he found some other tracks on the album that he liked as well. If nothing else, Bacdafucup, acted as a bridge between two musical cultures that helped two blood related strangers build. And, to this day, when I hear Slam, I instantly flash back to 1993 and the summer I got to kick it was a family that I never knew.

2. Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version – Ol Dirty Bastard - I was…no…I AM a Wu head, always have been. I loved everything they did, and most of what they do today. But this album here, woo man. My man J and I spent a couple summers doing nothing but smoking weed and drinking beer. If it was a hot day, we would be down at Rockwood just walking around, puffing, absorbing the summer heat just enjoying the day. But by night, we usually ended up at my place, sneaking beer upstairs past my Mom, doing nothing but listening to Hip Hop all night or watching Rap videos I copied onto video tape. We would do this for hours, talking about the track, laughing our asses off at some of the names of artists we didn’t know, then flip it up to make imaginary album titles (J, I know you remember our Potna Deuce Album “Please Potna Don’t Hurt Em”) Great times, great beer, and great smoke. And whenever it was time to puff, we would put on the ODB album, then use his CD case to roll our joints. Weed, Oil, hash, whatever it was, got rolled on ODBs album. I still have that original CD case to this day, and it has cut marks in it, brown residue on it with a hint of THC odor. For at least 3 years, this CD case acted as not only the resting place for an album that was incredibly dope, it also acted as a lap table for rolling weed. And again, if I hear even a sample of that album, I flash back to J and I laughing, rolling weed, and listening to the music we loved.

1. The Psycho-Social, Chemical, Biological & Electro-Magnetic Manipulation of Human Consciousness– Jedi Mind Tricks - I know this one is going to shock a lot of people, but this album is very personal to me. This one album contains one of the most personal songs with regards to how I felt during certain periods of my life (I Who have Nothing) and was the album I was listening to when my girlfriend came in to tell me that I was going to be a father. I remember it as clear as if it just happened. We were living in a small but very nice apartment, I was in the computer room after having picked up some pregnancy test kits for her. This was the 3rd or 4th time she thought she might be pregnant so I really didn’t think it was going to happen, just a women nervous about being late. But as I sat there, listening to “I Who Have Nothing” She came in with a look of cheerful fear, she told me I was going to be a father.

In an instant, I went through fear, doubt, anger, confusion and finally overpowering happiness. I turned the music down, not off, but low enough we could talk and see where each other were at mentally and emotionally. We talked for a bit, the she went into our room to lay down for a bit, and I stayed, turned my music back up, and got lost in a labyrinth of questions around my ability as a father, my readiness to be a father, and the excitement of having a child, all while that album played as the backdrop to some of the deepest questions I had ever had to ask myself.

I could go on for a few more pages about this day, but, this is a Hip Hop post, not a Readers Digest article, and while a very strange #1 album for most of you, for me, this album holds the memory that of which is most important to me, the day I found out I would have a child, and no longer be a boy living the lyrics of “I Who Have Nothing”, instead be living the life of a man with the understanding that my child is now the #1 responsibility in my life. When times get tough, or the days fly by as my boy grows and I grow older, I will ALWAYS have Hip Hop to relive the most important memories of my life. Vinnie Paz and Stoupe didn’t know it when they released their album, and they still don’t know, but they will forever be figures in my life, because of the time of my life in which their music found my ears.

The next time you find yourself having a difficult day, go to your stereo, or your I-pod, and put on a record, no matter the genre, but make it one from some of your easier years, and I bet you that by track 3, if that albums had meaning for you back then, that you will instantly forget about the stresses of the day.

Until next time, Rob

Where Not to Take Your Stuff based on Kijiji’s Lost and Found:

2009-03-19T09:27:00.007-03:00

Personal electronics have become something we can seldom live without. MP3 player's help us on a jog or a long bus ride full of crazies, a digital camera assists us in remembering a fun weekend, and a cell phone makes instant communication a possibility. But sometimes you should just know better and really, you should keep these handy devices put away during some activities, such as:

Never take your phone skiing – You’re on a mountain with a couple close friends doing winter activities that demand attention, lots of clothes, and if you suck, periodic impacts. Also note that they take you up the hill in a seat with no restraints and no way to stop if by chance you dropped something. I know you love your new iPhone for its ability to update your Facebook status to “Chris is skiing, yayyyyy!” on the fly and to get live weather updates in case of course you couldn’t just look up, but you really should just leave that sh*t at home, because its probably going to take a dive into the snow abyss eventually anyway.

Chances of Losing – 8 of 10

Never take your phone when you go to a bar – I know, it seems like a reasonable idea. You will be going out with some friends and enjoying some beverages. What happens if you lose your friends, or what if some of them can’t even make it? How would they ever be able to relay that information to you? But two hours later, that phone has turned out to be a bad idea. You’re drunk and if your friends didn’t want to join you, then f*ck them. Also, having a large directory of people that you have thought about having sex with is also not good to have at your disposal. Drunk dialing people who are probably not up to hearing from you at 2:30am on a Wednesday or waking up the next day with new number additions can be entertaining but not always the best idea. Also, as observed on the many, many Lost and Found ads, they disappear between drinking establishments.

Chances of Losing – 9 of 10

Keep your digital camera at home when drinks are involved – There is no positive outcome possible with bringing a camera drinking. The next day it’s going to end up with cranberry all over the lens, a crack in the screen, or pictures of genitals. I know you can’t wait to have yet another Facebook album of St. Patty’s day photos, but really, no one but yourself wants to see them because honesty, 50 other people had the same idea and posted them on the same day after, and they all look the f*ckin same! Everyone knows what drunken people look like; they look like this:

Chances are none of these people know each other. That's YOU in the back isn't it!?

Chances of Losing: 6 of 10

The Nine Worst Candies

2009-03-12T10:23:00.014-03:00

Being a kid - The part of life that has no worries and limited goals. Growing up introduced us to many, many different types of candies with some with wild success and others with frequest wtfs. But even those what the f*cks have continued and still find an audience. And with a continuing taste amongst the mass being pure sh*t, it looks like the worst candies will continue for a long time. Here are nine:

9. Fun Dips – Hold up, I know what you’re thinking, “Fun Dips…are you crazy, those f*ckers ruled!” And yes, I agree fully. But they enter the “worst of” list for one reason – the candy stick. The stick was delicious but they should give you like nine of those little things. You ever break one by mistake? Your remaining flavoured powder became completely worthless. You just f*cked up your whole Fun Dip, you idiot! What the f*ck can you do with the powder now? Use your finger - no that sucks. Actually it’s kinda like Tang. Has anyone ever tried to make juice out of Fun Dip powder? This really just occurred to me. Please let me know.

8. Mackintosh Toffee – Previously mentioned as the no. 4 Worst Chocolate Bar here on BITTT, Mackintosh Toffee makes a return for its ambiguity in the candy world. Is it a candy bar? Is it just candy? No idea. What section does it go in? Toffee, I’m so confused. This toffee is one of the worst not for its taste, no it was delicious, but its texture was something misunderstood by the laws of known matter. (Are there even laws of matter? No idea but you get the point) The only way you were ever getting an acceptable piece of this toffee is if you were working on the conveyer belts in the Mackintosh factory and it just came out of the toffee oven and was on it’s way to it’s toffee box and you intervened and snatched that sh*t up before it reached its destination. Other than that, it was like eating a text book.

7. Candy Corn – Again, the marshmallow culprit makes it way into our next piece of sh*t candy. What the f*ck is with candy corn. You eat like four of them and you feel like you ate a bag of sugar. Are these suppose to resemble corn? Doesn’t look like any f*ckin corn I’ve ever ate. I have no idea how something so sh*tty can survive 130 years of candy progression. According to Wikipedia, each year Americans eat enough Brach's candy corn that if the kernels were laid end to end, they would circle the Earth 4 times. Welcome to America where 63% of Americans are overweight.

6. Chicken Bones – There is one thing that chicken bones remind me of – old people. Old people love chicken bones. It’s like the shape or something is pleasing to the palette. I really don’t know. Anyway, a pink candy with chocolate in the middle. What an odd combination…and its atrocious.

5. Candy Necklaces – They were banking on the idea of this being candy that you can wear kinda like Ring Pops. (Ring pops ftw!) But the fact that you can wear the candy did not make up for the taste that went with it. Somewhere between three month old candy you get out of a vending machine at Zellers and the small motel soups, the candy necklace was a disaster to your palette. But your palette as a child was pretty much – sugar. The candy had a f*ckin string through the middle of it. I really don’t think these were ever meant to be eaten in the first place.

4. Liquorice Allsorts/Goodies – These get intertwined into one entry because they both contain the most mysterious of candy, black liquorice. Is it even called black liquorice now or is that considered racist or something? It ironic because it seems like they had a whole bunch of black liquorice and nothing much to do with it then propose it to people in flimsy sticks like…well liquorice. So with Goodies they just covered them with candy. All different colors to fool you into thinking these are normal candy. Be forwarned though, a minute into your tasty candy and bam - liquorice. Oddly they have stuck around in candy existence for about 400 years (that’s a pure estimate) and still sell to this day. With Allsorts they took it one step further. They made the liquorice into little shapes like cookies or cute little candy sandwiches. Liquorice should be left alone. Don’t f*ck around with candy liquorice!

3. Marshmallow Bananas – It’s a banana shaped marshmallow? Like really? Read that again to understand it’s a marshmallow (which is pretty much the worst type of candy anyway) morphed into and tasting like a banana. Kids don’t want marshmallows because everything a marshmallow is included in, including Marshmallow Peeps and especially Viva Puffs all suck. And kids especially don’t want something that taste like a f*ckin banana. The only thing tasty that contains marshmallow are Rice Krispie Squares. Everything else marshmallow infiltrates can be banished from existence forever. And don’t even mention Smores, they suck too, and you know it! Marshmallow just really blows.

2. Wax Lips – Can you even eat these f*ckin things? These are so disgustingly bad that I can’t even recall if they were edible objects. They didn’t even have appeal when I was young, and if a candy cannot successfully target its core demographic it’s not exactly working out. Wikipedia states that the “popularity can be attributed mainly to the comedy of wearing the lips”. Really? Can you remember how funny it was to see someone wearing those giant-ass, red lips? No, of course you can’t, because they always sucked ass.

1. Thrills Gum – Technically not candy, but genetically not gum. Thrills Gum is one that would top anyone’s list. Thrills Gum is known for it’s sh*tty soap-like flavour and that’s it. That’s the only reason Thrills has had any type of confectionary longevity. On recent packaging it even says: "it still tastes like soap!" I say recent, because yes, it is still sold.

What candy did you hate growing up?

Initial Here Please

2009-02-20T17:03:00.004-04:00

You’re in a bank or you’re at a car dealership. You’re excited about your new purchase. You just have to sign a couple things before you’re good to go. But the gentleman issuing you the loan not only makes you sign some sort of document a couple times but he also gets you to initial in various parts of this documentation. Why exactly do we initial anything? Did they somehow arrive at the conclusion that signing a bunch of times was way too much work?

“Well, our extensive studies for the past 18 months have shown that productivity is suffering from excessive paperwork. Customers are growing frustrated with all this writing horsesh*t. That’s why we have computers, so people don’t have to write.”

“We have to cut down this signature bullsh*t and come up with a better approach. Let’s just get them to initial instead of sign. This way we know if they remember not only their first name, but also their last name as well.” If for example they put down a “J” and hesitate on what follows we grab the mother f*cker right there! This is how we eliminate fraud for good. They’ll never see it coming”

“Great idea, where do they initial”

“Who the f*ck cares, we’ll just randomly throw it in on every long document we choose. They won’t even read it, its freakin’ genius!”

Like really, is there anything easier to forge than an initial? Why don’t they just have you put a dot? “Dot here sir to acknowledge that you can successful push a pen onto the paper.” Like you have a signature; what does it look like? If it’s like mine it looks like a f*ckin scribble, but it’s my scribble. If they had a database of scribbles no other person could copy my scribble. And I tell ya one thing, it’s quicker for me to sign sh*t than to initial. It’s like “T”, oh sh*t…I have to life the pen. No flow at all.

I wonder what they would say if you just drew a little picture. Like an inside joke to yourself. Like I would put a “T” but on the T I would put a little head and make it a stickman. There’s no way they are going to question it. Later on you’d be in court disputing that you never initialled and they would bring up Exhibit A and it would be a little man. Like, “Come on your Honour, the defendant’s name is clearly not stickman.”

The prosecution has no rebuttal. Case closed, all charges dropped.

Seven Steps of How to be a Smoker

2009-02-06T14:08:00.005-04:00

It's important to fit in. It's very difficult to be included in a group without proper understanding of the rules. It's also a qualification to have some sort of offering that the group will find approving. Here are seven steps in becoming a true, official, smoker.

Step 1 – Dress is very important because just like high school you want to fit into the right crowd; the one that makes you feel included and part of something. To be a smoker you have to must wear specific jeans. These jeans cannot be from the year 2000 and up. Preferably they should be from your actual high school days and included high waists and tight around the ankles. Any form of current trends is a definite no-no and is grounds for immediate dismissal from your group.

Step 2 – Make sure your hair looks as sh*tty as possible. There are easily taken steps you can take to achieve this look such as putting your hair in a “bun” . Buns are great because this gives you at least a day or two more that you don’t actually have to wash it because you can achieve the same look every day with no repercussions. Make sure this bun is as tight as possible. I mean really, pull that hair back so f*ckin tight that it sucks your premature wrinkles right out of your face. Also, ponytails are very popular because just like the bun, you can go numerous days with no maintenance. It serves as both a deviation from the bun and also a savings of precious time that could be used for additional smoking.

Step 3 – If you don’t feel like dressing up and want to be a little more casual than jeans you can wear track pants, preferable ones with two large white stripes up the side like it’s a Ford GT. This not only makes smoking a more comfortable activity but it also gives up the impression of health. Because track pants are usually worn during such activities like running, working out, or even random work around the house like painting, it works in your favour as a smoker. It means, “I know I’m smoking, but right after this I’m hitting the treadmill.” If track pants are evident it means one of two things:

A) I gave a slight thought about quitting.
B) I totally gave up on life completely.

Step 4 – Complain heavily about prices. Make sure you express your continued anger towards the rising prices of cigarettes. Cigarettes are like gas for smokers, it’s something you just have to buy, and with that fact, you are entrapped by this point. Be assured that no one is ever going to argue against you because you are all a close group of like-minded people that share their disgust. Make sure this conversation does not spill over into a non smoker’s conversational area to avoid exposure to common sense.

Step 5 – Have a coffee in hand. Coffee and cigarettes go together like Amy Winehouse and crack. But the coffee has to be complete sh*t. Either has to be carried around in a stained white mug and be instant coffee or be an acceptable smoker’s brand of coffee. Now if you are away from the house, having your stained mug and instant coffee can be somewhat difficult to acquire so the next best thing is Tim Horton’s. This is why Tim Hortons’s coffee has a faint taste of ash; to complement your cigarettes. It just makes what’s left of your taste buds that much happier.

Step 6 – Hold your coffee at an extreme angle that seems to defy the laws of gravity and the nature of liquid. This is usually witnessed by holding a Tim Horton’s coffee cup straight out like you’re in a defensive stance and this is your only weapon. Somehow these Tim Horton lids will never fail. They will hold on to that cup like it’s vacuum sealed to that cup. It will never spill because frequent users have their own form of lid innovation that denies spillage, such as tucking the tab into the cup and other methods I haven’t quite witnessed yet.

Step 7 – Have a cell phone. Actually if you smoke you should just actually sell cell phones. No one has more experience with phones than smokers. Make sure you have your favourite unemployed person on speed dial 1 so you can make easy calls. If you don’t have one, borrow one from your favourite smoker and witness the pleasure. Also, having a phone allows you to do things with your hands. In case a cigarette and a coffee were not enough to take precedence over two hands you should include a cell phone. Because we all know that we’ve evolved to a point where having a cigarette and a coffee in one hand is common skill amongst smokers.

Shopping Carts - A How to Guide...of Sorts

2009-01-12T11:04:00.005-04:00

People of all kinds regardless of interests, race, culture, etc. have one thing in common. They all have to eat. Even though people love to eat out, they also periodically cook and prepare meals at home. But to do so, they have to venture into the grocery store to purchase things like garlic cloves, fancy peppers, and generic things like beef and chicken. But it’s sometimes hard to determine how many items you will end up with and sometimes result in a plethora of food goods. So in order to carry these items, people use modern wagons that we call shopping carts. Even though shopping carts have been around since the 1940s, proper use has not been passed down through the family -probably because no one has ever really figured out how to use them properly.

Shopping carts should be treated like little cars with rules governing its use. You should stay on one side of the isle, there should be no sudden stops and u-turns, you have to stop and look at intersections, and the most fundamental rule of shopping carts should be that you cannot just park it anywhere you want. How the f*ck do I get by when your cart is strewn across the isle like a jack-knifed semi?

Now with the complete and utter disorganization of shopping cart use it’s always good to have another mode of transporting groceries without having to embark in Death Race: Superstore. This is why the “basket” is a great invention. The basket in the grocery store is like having a motorbike instead of a car. You can easily move about anywhere you want, you can pass easily between carts, you can 180 that sh*t without doing a three-point turn. It’s great. The only downfall is that just like a bike, you are limited to what you can carry. You’re not only limited in volume but also in which type of items. I’m telling you right now, that if you like sh*tty, unhealthy food, a basket is not for you.

There is no way you’re getting more than two bags of Zesty Doritos in that basket. And Delissio Pizzas….forget about it. Those things are just going to flop over the side and fall to the floor. But chances are that if you like unhealthy food you don’t want a basket anyway because they just don’t hold enough. One pizza is usually not an option…that’s why those double packs of Delissios are so popular. (I really have no idea how popular they are in relation to the single pizzas, but they sell them for a reason right?)

Also, chips are in big bags, and big bags don’t really fit in the baskets with ease. The most awkward items that you can buy at a grocery store are 2L soda (pop) bottles. Soda is not only heavy but it takes up a sh*tload of room. This is where a shopping cart is necessary. If you tried to put a 2L bottle into a basket it would just f*ckin deny it. If 2L soda bottles had arms it would hold on to the basket sides for dear life. Like trying to get a cat in a bath tub, it would be like, "F*ck that sh*t man, there’s no f*ckin way I’m going in there!” I guarantee you will not see a person carrying a 2L bottle of soda in a basket unless it’s Club Soda or Tonic Water because they usually only need one bottle for a night of Vodka and Club Soda, or Gin and Tonics. That’s the exception to the rule; it has to be one of those flavours. Chances are though that it would not be Tonic Water because it’s somewhat f*ckin impossible to purchase it in a 2L bottle. Tonic marketers know that people do one thing with tonic...they mix it with liquor. So they make you buy a twelve pack of cans because you have no f*ckin choice. Is this even legal? How can they do this to us? Why...WHY!!!!

Anyway, I’m off topic with my tonic tangent. (that's gotta be a sentence never constructed until this very moment) With a shopping cart you get that whole area where anything can be tossed in and rearranged anyway you choose where the basket is like a backpack, you just toss that sh*t in and hope it fits. Shopping carts and baskets can coexist just like cars and motorbikes. And finally, it’s also very difficult to carry around two kids in a hand basket. See even the kids treat them as little cars, why can’t adults? They even have those shopping carts that look like cars!!!! WTF man! It’s right there! It’s a car! Follow the rules. It’s a good thing they don’t make cars that look like shopping carts or people would just drive randomly through red lights, proceed on the wrong side of road, and park horizontally at the end of your street. Also your kids would be hanging off the front.

It's really a great thing we don't have cars that....oh shit, we’re doomed!

Don’t you just hate when people…

2009-01-05T16:08:00.003-04:00

People say annoying sh*t all the time, and sometimes they act like douchebags. There's probably not a day that goes by that you don't hear a stupid remark. Here's a couple that are incresingly annoying. Don't you just hate when people...

…refer to objects as people?

They always give that designation of “he” or “she” to things. What ever prompted this ridiculous behaviour? “I was drivin’ her around in the snow last night after Jimmy’s party, and she started fishtailing as soon as we got ‘er out of the driveway.” Was this passed down through their ancestors back in a time when they had no idea that machines weren’t people? Do they go on dates with their cars? Does your car have an opinion? No, because they’re f*ckin machines with no brain and no methods of communication. Let’s start going with “it”. Like what kind of English class was this taught in? Under no circumstance should your car ever be referred to as a “she”…unless it’s a Volkswagen Beetle or Cabrio convertible. Those are indeed females and the use of “she” to represent them has been included in the English vocabulary.

…frequently say “in my opinion?”

Isn’t this the most f*ckin obvious statement anyone could say? I mean, it’s followed up or precedes something that this person said, of course it’s your f*ckin opinion isn’t it? “Thanks for ending that great sentence with “in my opinion” Joe, I really thought you were reading that sh*t out of a textbook. Thank you for letting me know that that wasn’t a proven fact and that it in indeed just your opinion.” Really shouldn’t we just assume that it is a personal opinion during conversation and state “based on fact” when it’s not?

…when someone says that a movie is good when “in your opinion” it’s f*ckin terrible.

You just want have an argumentive battle of epic proportions until the other gives in. Like you somehow think that if you convince this person that your specific taste in movies is the correct taste the world would be better and they would tell their friends how they were converted. Or on the topic of movies, I love when they ask if you’ve seen a movie, and then if you correctly answered “yes” they continue to quiz you like you may be lying about seeing it altogether. They have to follow up with, “Did you see the part where…” because if you didn’t remember the part you either cannot have a true appreciation for the movie or have not seen it all. Like, “Of course I seen the f*ckin part where the spear went through her head. What do you think, like I go to the bathroom every time some climactic sh*t is about to happen on screen?”

…people order crazy sh*t at Starbucks.

The problem is that they love ordering it. They love the smooth process they’ve grown to recite. Starbucks knows this through focus groups and various tests and have come to the conclusion that, “yeah we better get them to yell it out as well. Look at the look in their eyes when they do that. They f*ckin love that sh*t.” That’s why they always have the Barista yell that sh*t out loud like it’s the Barrett Jackson Auction. That’s the only purpose. If it wasn’t they could just read the cup where they write it anyway or just nicely tap them on the shoulder and say, “Hey, this lady would like a Chai Latte, please create this masterpiece for her.” And the people that order a Low Fat, Half Steam, Triple Shot, Skinny-ass, Grande, Vanilla Latte want everyone to know that, “Look motha-f*ckas…I know my sh*t. I have deciphered the Starbucks dialect and have successfully managed to order a tasty drink. Everyone pay attention to me.” And the problem with this is that since they have tried time and time again to order a perfect drink and have finally reached their goal, they feel well above everyone else and disown other people who just get “coffee”. They give you that look like you have no f*ckin idea where you are and what you’re drinking. The funny thing is that coffee at Starbucks is kind of secondary to everything else. They just mark it on a little chalkboard and hide it amongst biscottis and Chillout CDs.

Ten People You Hate at Work

2008-12-30T16:17:00.007-04:00

People work everywhere...some people work nowhere. But a lot of people who do work do so in an office environment. They are surrounded by numerous other people that share similar interests and activities, and some that don't share anything at all with you. But no matter which office you work in, wherever you are in the world, there are a some people that you just can't stand, such as:

10. The Loud Talker – Apparently these people have no idea that telephone technology is quite advanced and that even though you are talking to someone 3,000 miles away, elevating your voice does not help you get your point across more clearly. You don’t see anyone using CAPS all through their e-mails because they’ll see it better do ya. It’s kinda like when you lose cell phone reception and you yell louder at the person on the other end, like the volume of your voice is enough to conquer the loss of reception.

9. The Don’t Know-it-All – These are ones you f*ckin despise when during those meetings the question arises with, “Does anyone have any questions?” Because of course they have some f*ckin questions, and those questions are going to be the exact ones you answered during the f*ckin meeting. That’s why we had the meeting dumb ass. Why are you asking the same sh*t that I just stated? Do you need me to put it in your own terms or are you just trying to clarify it for yourself?

8. The Fake-ass – These are the actors in the work environment. They are seemingly one person, but when a conversation ensues, they transform into a different person by using some sort of "this is a recording" type voice. In conclusion of this conversation they morph back into the miserable bitch of a human being that they are and curse the world for their misery and disgust. Guess what, you’re not right for this job; go get some black fingernail polish and some skinny jeans.

7. The No-Sense-of-Smeller – These people have a couple attributes that put them in this category including the foul, stench of bad breath. How can someone not know they have bad breath? If you had an onion sandwich for lunch, you have bad breath. If you had a cigarette and a double-double for breakfast, you have bad breath. There are dozens of different brands and flavours of gum and mints and breath enhancing strips and sprays. They are right there at the checkout in the grocery store or at the gas station. You pay for your smokes directly over where the gum is. Just buy a f*ckin pack. These are impulse products that are begging you for purchase. Please just get a pack, you get like 12 pieces. That should last you a couple days or so. Just raise your hand in a cup-like shape and slightly blow out. This will send a ricochet of scent towards your nostril region. The results should give you an indication of whether you need help in the breath area. If nastiness is the result of your action, insert mint/gum. How does this epidemic still exist?

P.S. A toothbrush is $2. Bring one to work, will ya?

6. The Annoying Eater – These are the people that eat the loudest f*ckin food on earth. This food is usually very crunchy as in candy, or rustly as in bags of potato chips. There are two types of people that fall into this category: the ones that know their annoying, and the ones that don’t. Oddly, knowing and not-knowing the fact does nothing to differ the results. The ones that know that they're annoying try to mask their annoyingness by trying to be discreet. They either crunch their candy very slow or try to grab a chip without hitting the sides like their trying to retrieve the Wrenched Ankle in Operation. This does not help at all. Both of these actions just prolong the action and make it even more excruciating to witness and listen to.

5. The Talk-to-Yourselfer – Some people have no ability to communicate inside their own cranium. Thought processing is impossible without having their brain verbally make their mouth recite their concern only to have the ears decode it, and process their next action inside your brain. You can frequently find these people asking questions to inanimate objects such as pens, staplers, notepads, or their monitors and reading questioning e-mail requests out loud thinking that the e-mail will respond back to them verbally.

4. The It’s-F*ckin-Obvious – These people state things that anyone with an awareness of where they are right now on the planet Earth would realize themselves. These comments usually have to do with the weather, in case you didn’t have a window or realize it when you came in from the outside. Like, “It’s snowing out”. Thank you for telling me that. I had a personal goal today to not look out of any windows and since you told me that, I can carry on without the mystery of what the f*ck is up outside.

3. The Irrelevant-Questioner – This is a type of power-in-numbers type of mentality. They think that by being verified by numerous people, the concern will be solved such as, “Do you find it cold in here?” Because if they get enough people agreeing, the heat will automatically know the tally of people who agree that it is indeed “cold” in here and crank itself up in order to fulfill the comfort request of many.

2. The Communications-Failyur – The ones that can’t seem to grasp the correct use of words in their correspondence. The “Your/You’re”, the “Then/Than”. Like how long ago was this taught in school? Even if you forget it now, how much effort would it take to renew your brain with this information? Like you’re writing the e-mail right now on a computer, just Google that shit for two seconds! All you have to do is read the f*cking sentence. Do I need a You or a You Are? What would fit here? There, done, problem f*ckin solved. I seriously think that during the interview process, they should have you write an e-mail with certain words. This happens as soon as the interview starts. You even get full use of the internet so you can check and see proper use. If you end up writing stupid shit…you’re going home. 5 minute interview tops.

1. The Office Comedian – It’s fine to have someone in the office that is funny. It’s great to have a bunch of people who share a similar type of humour, but it’s another thing altogether when you have that one person who thinks they are funny because some people laughed at one joke they made back in ’07. The want to relive that humorous triumph they had and try to no avail time and time again to impress but just dig deeper into that hole of douchebag. Also, these people usually have limited humour capabilities because their sole audience is work and work only and never partake in any other activities beyond work. Office humour includes specific jokes referencing whatever type of product/service you sell. Or sometimes specific and noted jokes are altered to include things such as model numbers, and the results are always the same---bloody awful and sometimes even embarrassing.

Note: Some words were spelled wrong for comedic purposes; others were completely made up.

Happy New Year, see you in 2009.

The Artists Say They Do, but Will the Fans Ever "Keep it Real"?

2008-12-09T00:00:00.001-04:00

The Hip Hop fan can be a fickle person. One who is hard to win over, hard to please and most definitely hard to catch a compliment from. Of all the other genres of music out there, and all the other artists I can only hope that those folks have better fans than those of a Hip Hop artist or group. There are days I wonder why some of these artists even bother to create music knowing that even their most devoted fan will spew venom in his or her direction at the drop of a hat because a sample or a drum loop was too soft, or too quiet. I read blogs and message boards from all over the world, and the one constant with Hip Hop fans, is they are damn hard people to please, and I should know, I am one of these people. I remember listening to Souls Of Mischief sophomore album and thinking, "Wow, this is horrible", but, after that listen, I still couldn't wait for their next album. I was, and remain, a fan.

Now let me say this right now. I personally am 100% against bootlegging music that someone has worked so hard to create for us. Especially the Hip Hop artist. As much as some of these entertainers like to make us think they are all rolling in dough, the truth it, more so for independents and up and comers. Everything from the studio time to the cd pressing costs are incurred largely by the artist themselves, so I have always said that if I hear and album, and like more than half of it, I will buy it, if nothing else to give the artist a few more cents towards their next project. Tom can attest to my collection of cds from the days of way back to today. Does that mean if I find an album online from 1994 that I have never heard I won't grab it? Not at all, but it does mean if I find it to be a long lost gem, you better believe I am on amazon.com looking for a used copy.

If only all a fan were like this we may have better music released to us, the ever salivating for more, but equally vicious judgmental fans. This was never more apparent to me than with the release of the latest album by one of my guilty pleasure groups, Philly's own, Jedi Mind Tricks. I have been a fan of this particular group since they dropped their debut album, "The Psycho-Social, Chemical, Biological & Electro-Magnetic Manipulation of Human Consciousness" Over the years the group has changed up a bit, going from more intricate word play to straight boom bap in your face hip hop. Not a group I can listen to around my son, but I enjoy them none the less taking the lyrics with a grain of salt.

On the eve of their new album release I went to www.babygrande.com and checked out the fan forums and was shocked to see the called "fans" trashing not only the group, but the record label, all the artists on the label, and even the owners of the label. These are people who have been signed up for 4 or 5 years on these forums, have avatars with the groups logo, signatures quoting lyrics from past songs. When I say trashing I mean just flat out ripping the artist, drawing pictures in MSpaint, cropping the groups photos onto animals, or just doing the new thing as a Hip Hop fan, calling them "Homo". Nothing plays to the ignorant stereotype of a Hip Hop fan than doing or saying any of the above.

Unfortunately it didn't end there with my adventure into ignorant Hip Hop fans. As I was browsing the forums at babygrande, I noticed a trend, something you would think would be so despicable, that if you were caught doing it, other fans would unite to treat you like an Irish thief and break your hands. On the very site that the record label owns, which it uses to promote the purchase of albums released by its roster, these "fans" are posting links to download the albums of the very artist they are there to support. How in the hell does bootlegging the very album you are there to support help the artist? How does it help the company grow and prosper? How does it motivate these people to get in the studio and work on another project? How do you call yourself a fan?

But it doesn't stop there, if you were to take some time and browse the net for Hip Hop forums, you would see a world of ignorance and brainlessness that one thought only existed in a time long gone. It all makes me wonder if Hip Hop deserves some of the negative press it gets, or if we do it to ourselves. By sounding the way we do, making comments like we do, stealing like we do, doesn't our culture deserver any and all negative press it gets? Not because of the artist themselves, but because of the fan who does whatever he can to bring us all into the gutter of public opinion.

I know that not everyone is like this, but it just bothers me on a level that I can't describe to see people who are there to profess their admiration for an act, only to find some of the most trailer trash antics I have ever seen. It upsets me because I want all artists to be successful. It angers me because it feeds and already negative stereotype of my art form, and you better believe it saddens me.

The time that Tom and I were lucky enough to grow up in (early 90s) was a period where every artist in our culture was outdoing the others album. I would make Tom listen to the new Black Moon single that I had picked up. He would either laugh and say that was horrible, or, pick it up for himself. But that would be the end of it, and when the album dropped, it was either Tom or I that was at Sam the Record man on that Tuesday to get the full length album. It was fun to debate who had the better single, or who had the worst, heck Tom picked up Vanilla Ices second album just to say he heard it. Was it awful? Yes, did we run around to everyone and anyone who would listen screaming "Listen to the this homo" Hell no. For one, our parents raised us better than that, and secondly, we still had respect.

Something I can honestly say this new generation of fans does not have and I have to wonder if they even know what it is. Are real fans gone? No, they are still out there, the sad fact however, is that the real fan is now a minority. As I have aged over the years I have learned one thing as a Hip Hop fan, our favorite groups may keep it real for us, but we sure as hell don't keep it real for them.

Until next time.

Rob

P.S. (from Tom) - I never bought Vanilla Ice's second album...Rob is just playing. It was his 1994 album, Mind Blowin' and it was crap!

You is Stupid #1 (Lil Wayne)

2008-12-04T12:13:00.002-04:00

Along with periodic blog posts about lazy people (Things Lazy People Like) and commercials (Commercially Critiqued) here on Bringing it to the Table, I am introducing a new topic that I will build on as time passes. The title, as you see above, is “You is Stupid”. Each post will demonstrate one area where the world continues its decline in taste, common sense, and rationality. Is this aimed at “you” as a reader? Of course not. It’s based on the obvious preferences of the general population. So here we go with the first post of "We are Stupid":

Lil Wayne receives an incredible eight Grammy nominations, exceeding six for Kanye West, and six for Jay-Z. For the record, Lil Wayne is one of the worst things to happen to music in general. Not just hip-hop, but he has set a new low for our musical future. Rap has been on a ste4ady decline for probably a decade. There has been very few artists that are able to break through the bullsh*t we hear to become great rap artists.

Lil Wayne is terrible. If you like Lil Wayne you do not like rap. You don’t know rap. Don’t say that you do, because you do not. Eveything evolves and changes. Music changes, but does not always change for the best. Jay-Z showed his lyrical dominance in the rap game from the beginning. From his Reasonable Doubt album on Dead Presidents, if you were a rap fan, you knew, that this guy was something special. This was the mid nineties, a time where there was an abundance of talent, in a rap world that was far different then today’s. I’m telling you now that if Jay-Z was to come out with Reasonable Doubt today, we would not even hear about it. It would be overshadowed by today’s garbage that is as per example, Lil Wayne. Even Kanye West only has six nominations but at least he actually f*ckin raps. Lil wayne barely speaks f*ckin English. He mumbles through tracks and makes up words like he’s from f*ckin K-Pax.

It’s an utter disgust that someone at talentless as Lil Wayne could get so many nominations and sell so many albums. It’s a shame that people cannot see the absolute crap that you are buying is a joke. We will look back on this decade how we look back on the 80s. Lil Wayne is the 2008 version of Milli Vanilli. Society, you’ve been had. Here’s your apparent favourite artist of 2008. Enjoy:

Lollipop
A Milli

And some lyrics to reflect on:

I’m a millionaire I’m a
young money cash money fast money
slow money mo’ money neva low money
what is that, who is that, I never heard of it
I will take your picture and make a ‘rest in peace’ shirt of it
tell those n***** beatin to make a rest in peace shirt of me cuz i
killed and now don’t tell no one you heard of me
its like, the beat was screamin, murder me
and i’m a, murderer
so I murdered it
and you n***** is what i eatin ill make sure of it
and he who don’t believe me I’ll make dessert of him
sherbet him, I mean
shame on him, or her
Carter, Father of
this rap thang, this is my race
gon’ take a lap man weezy babys nursery
now gon’ take a nap man, its nap time
I’ll holla back at you at snack time

The Top Five Christmas Misses

2008-12-02T00:00:00.000-04:00

Christmas is almost here, and 2008 is almost over. Christmas brings family an friends together for the annual gift giving holiday. But there are some things about Christmas that are not so great, and others that are just downright questionable. Here's the Top Five Christmas Misses.

1. Buying Greeting Cards – Greeting cards have to be the most profitable business in the history of business. It’s also number one in the “Holy shit we ARE retarded” list of things people seem to see relevance in giving. Every couple of weeks throughout the year, a holiday of some sort pops up, acting like an alarm clock for “I gotta buy a damn card”. With this day and age of e-mail texts, digital pictures, affordable prints, and many others, we still buy greeting cards like cardboard with words is f*ckin rare. So the stuff that they package your cereal in, we can also purchase for $6. Ohhhh, but we also get an envelope to put it in…what we get to write the person’s name on it too? Sign me up! Greeting cards are the worst gifts ever. Who seriously wants a $6 piece of cardboard? What am I suppose to do with this, put it on the mantle? What if I don’t have a mantle? I guess I just fold it up and put them in a stack waiting for visitors. Because everyone knows that anytime someone comes over to your house the first thing they want to do is look at your f*ckin cards.

2. Giving Crappy Gifts – You know its Christmas when all the sh*tty crafts, ornamental pieces of randomness, and lots and lots of dishes and glasses are on display. You go to store after store looking for the perfect gift. And you already know that there is no perfect gift, because the perfect gift is a stack of money. No one gives a stack of money, because they’d rather but a wooden Santa with mechanical joints to give instead. I’m guessing the whole relevance factor doesn’t really come into play you consider what you can do with a stack of money to what you can do with a wooden Santa with mechanical joints. For those of you who are not familiar with the ratio, here it is.

Stack of Money: Wooden Santa = Everything: Nothing

After much deliberation on what you get as a gift, you finally find what you think will make a good gift, only to give someone money to get the gift, where the whole time you actually had the perfect gift all along. Everyone knows that Christmas is about exchanging gifts that no one either wants, or enjoys buying. So really, if you didn’t shop, think, and buy crappy gifts, the benefit would be 100% more than what it actually is. But also, sometimes the world isn’t that simple.

And what makes it even more interesting is the fact that the whole idea of giving gifts is great. That’s what Christmas should be about anyway. But we continually get and give crap because we have made up our own rules that make zero sense.

Question: “What do you want for Christmas?”
Answer: “Nothing”.

Real question: "What can I buy you, because honestly I don’t feel like shopping around and stressing out about this sh*t. Just tell me something useful you want, and I’ll get it for you. Do you want Epic Movie on DVD; I’ll get you Epic Movie. I like buying you stuff, but I’d rather not get something that you won’t use or enjoy."

Real Answer: "I really don’t want anything. I don’t want a DVD because I’m aware of the internet and can pretty much get anything I want at no cost. What I really want is for you to pay next month’s Rogers bill. I would probably get the most use and enjoyment out of that with not having to fork over $50. But I can’t tell you that, because it’s not tangible, hence not really a gift."

Or some belief that telling someone what you would desire as a gift diminishes all gift attributes making the exchange of item more of a favour instead of an actual gift. This is totally absurd. I have no idea why sometime would want to be surprised at what they want instead of just knowing what they want. Kinda like knowing if the water you’re diving into has a gigantic rock 12 inches below the surface. I’m going with “want to know” personally.

3. Christmas Music – Christmas music is like a new Akon song. Regardless of how much you avoid it, you somehow eventually know most of the words. Classic Christmas music kind of just exists in the background. It’s become monotonous with the repetition every year. But then you’ll get the “new” Christmas music which truthfully should be outlawed. Nobody needs a Destiny’s Child Christmas. We don’t have Christmas’s like Destiny’s Child. I didn’t get a Bentley Continental under my gold tree last time I checked. That’s why we like classic Christmas songs. We can relate. There’s no way in hell Beyonce is roasting chestnuts anywhere.

4. Repetition – Honestly when it all comes down to it, you have no idea which Christmas is which. If you were to somehow be dropped into a random Christmas season from the future, you could be in 1998 or 2008, because there’s nothing that gives you any sense of time or placement. Same music, same decorations, same TV shows, and even the same commercials. I guess when Coca Cola spends a couple million on some polar bears sliding down a hill, you want to use that sh*t every chance you get. You also get all the standard movies just in case you either:

a) Never owned a VCR.
b) Never knew cinematic shows existed.
c) Have never heard of Macauley Culkin.
d) Still count things on an abacus.

Other than that, Home Alone, Christmas Vacation, and other standard shows play continuously until the season is over. And amazingly they still attract viewers. People still watch Home Alone 2 on cable TV, on a Thursday evening, and draw enough viewers to have them do it again and again. It’s amazing how repetition sucks you into the Macauley-vortex. (Christmas Vacation is OK though, because that sh*t is hilarious.)

5. Santa Claus – Why is it that we lie to children and tell them Santa Claus exists? And then we just wait until either one of their friends tell them he doesn’t, or they figure it out it’s completely ridiculous and impossible to actually happen all by themselves. I have really never seen the benefit in a kid’s belief in Santa Claus. Like would they be heartbroken to know that their parent’s buy them gifts? Why is it we teach our children not to lie yet we lie to them from the day they are able to have free thought to the time they figure it out. It’s kind of deceiving to be playing around with a kid’s head like that because they don’t know any better, isn’t it?

“So what you’re saying is that Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are all complete lies? Gee thanks for the honest outlook into the world ahead.”

Like the f*ckin Easter Bunny? A giant bunny that gives you candy out of a basket? Where did he get this candy? Where does the bunny live? Does he have Facebook? The questions are endless. But a giant f*ckin bunny! If you’ve seen Donnie Darko you know that sh*t isn’t a pleasant thought.

Introducing Alfonzo

2008-11-07T00:00:00.000-04:00

The other day I got in a cab on Quinnpool Road in Halifax, the conversation went something like this:

Me - “Take me to the Aliant Building on Spring Garden and Barrington.”
Him - “I don’t know where that is.”
Me - "It’s on Spring Garden Road.”
Him - “I can’t remember how to get there.”
Me - "Are you new to the city?”
Him - “No.”
Me - “How long have you been driving a cab?”
Him - “15 years.”
Me - “In Halifax?”
Him - “Yeah.”
...............
Me - “Huh”

I proceeded to give the cab driver exact directions downtown. I must say that the ride was anything but pleasant. I’d tell him to turn right and he’d get in the left lane and turn left. He was heavy on the brakes and his driving was frantic and all over the road. He’d go to signal and turn on the window wipers and then not know how to shut them off, he’d stomp on the gas and then hit the brakes, it was as if he’d never been in a car before.

We ended up on a dead end street. Despite me telling him to keep going straight he turned down it and I told him to stop but he kept going down to the very end, we had to back up with pedestrians jumping out of the way. He had forgotten to turn the meter on, he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt and he managed to stall the car several times. It was an newer model automatic so that left me even more confused.

We finally arrived at our destination when he rolled up over the curb leaving the car three quarters of the way on the sidewalk with the radio blaring static and the window wipers going (it was sunny out) and the car was idling high in neutral.

I was in utter disbelief, this guy had been driving a cab in Halifax for 15 years but yet he hardly knew how to drive, he didn’t know his way around the city center. He almost killed us and had to use my help the entire time. I thought it was maybe a language barrier but it was obvious that English was his first language. He wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t high and he seemed to have his wits about him otherwise.

In my state of awe I called his supervisor:

Me - “I’m calling about Joseph ________”
Him - “yeah, what about him?”

“I was in the cab with him today and it seemed like he didn’t know how to drive at all or follow simple directions. His poor abilities threatened the entire city.”

“Yeah, Joey’s not the best with cars.”

“Don’t you think you should have cab drivers that know the city and can drive?”

“I guess...look buddy, Joey works here and he does his job, so get off our case.”

CLICK

They hung up on me! I couldn’t believe it. They had someone hired for a skill. And he couldn’t do that skill. Furthermore, I had to practically do the skill for him and I’m sure the rest of the cab drivers have to pull his weight to keep the company up and running let alone the frustrations the customers had to deal with.

............Ok, I confess. The preceding story isn’t exactly true, Joseph isn’t a cab driver he’s the guy in the cubicle/office/building next to you. Actually your office is probably full of “Josephs”. People that were hired to do a job, but instead of a car they use a computer and they have about as much of an ability to pilot it as Joseph has driving a car. Would you hire a carpenter that doesn’t know how to use a hammer? A cabby that couldn’t drive? Then why are you hiring a communications director that can’t work Powerpoint? Or a sales manager that doesn’t know the difference between “reply” and “reply all”. A photographer that doesn’t know an F-Stop from a bus stop? Hell, if your job at McDonald's was to make fries and you couldn’t do that you’d get fired But in the professional world we keep these people (not) doing the jobs they are supposed to be doing. The scary thing? We are hiring more and more and more of these unskilled laborers, these untrained monkeys!

-Alfonso

Alfonso McInnis was born in Cape Breton in November of 1990. Alfonso was named after the actor that played the character Carlton Banks on the show Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. His parents, teenagers at the time, were huge fans of the show and raised him as hip hop as they could in Petis-De-Gras. He grew up in a small home with hip-hop influences from his father and Cape Breton kitchen music from his mother. He excelled at school and is now in his 2nd year at UCCB where he hopes to be the Fresh Prince of Sydney and eventually Cape Breton. He likes Bringing it to the Table, good music, hot girls and dislikes Chevrolet Cavaliers that have been modified, as well as stupid people.

Highlights from the 2008-2009 NBA Season – A Future Retrospective

2008-11-03T00:00:00.001-04:00

The NBA Season is underway and now that baseball is over it has officially become the best time of the year for sports. Midway trhough the NFL season, some fresh faces in the NBA, and a lot of games to look forward to. But what will happen? Any surprises...I think so. here's a couple future predictions for the NBA season.

November 19, 2008 - Greg Oden returns after four weeks due to foot sprain only to suffer season ending injury.

Greg Oden, the number one pick in the 2007 NBA draft suffered yet another unfortunate injury on Tuesday. During his game against the Charlotte Bobcats, Oden shattered his entire left leg in what some may call a freak accident. But with Oden’s history of injury, none were surprised at the outcome. Oden suffered the injury in the third quarter when running up the court to get in position. Oden, while neither being defended or even having the ball, slipped on a rogue banana that seemed to appear out of nowhere like it was Super Mario Kart. The slip sent Oden in a turbulent spin down the court. Oden managed to take out Brandon Roy, LaMarcus Aldridge, Adam Morrison, and even Raef LaFrenz (who was on the bench) during his slip-and-slide fall. When Oden struck LaFrenz who was eating a White Castle Double Cheeseburger on the bench, he physically catapulted into the air and into the crowd further striking spectators and Bud Lights. Oden landed in the 19th row inside a man’s nachos which happen to be just recently purchased. This was key to Oden’s injuries because although the man was upset at losing his $10 nachos, the hot cheese burned Oden’s leg so bad that press has not yet captured a photo of the horrific aftermath. Oden will miss the rest of the NBA season but since he can’t play, gets to watch the seventh season of 24 in its entirety, without the need to Tivo.

February 24, 2009 - Kobe Bryant scores 102 points, breaking the all time record set by Wilt Chamberlain in 1962.

Kobe Bryant, who held the second spot of most points in a game with 81, set in 2006, took the first overall spot on Monday scoring 102 points against the San Antonio Spurs. The excitement started when at the end of the first quarter, Bryant had scored an astonishing 44 points against the Spurs which were defending a 12-0 run. Bryant who has recently been issued his own logo consisting of a Kobe Bryant silhouette standing on an NBA logo in a conquering pose decided to show the true meaning of this logo choice. Kobe seemed to be waiting for this opportunity. The Spurs with their winning streak, and their current standing at 2nd in the NBA were confident in their approach but did not know what the Lakers had planned. By the end of the third quarter Bryant had reached the 102 point mark. During the fourth quarter, Bryant did not take the floor once. Instead he got pizza for the entire San Antonio Spurs crowd individually wrapped with a ‘Thank you for witnessing my greatness” card attached to each one. Amazingly, Bryant didn’t even order the pizza, he cooked it from his own recipe, which after the exposure it received during the game, has become a permanent addition to the Domino’s Pizza menu. The Black Mamba sells a large for $12. The only size available.

Final score: Lakers – 105, Spurs – 67

November 22, 2008 - Stephon Marbury opens hip-hop clothing store.

Stephon Marbury opens hip-hop influenced clothing store on the New York Knicks bench. Marbury, on Saturday took an entrepreneurial approach by combining his love for hip-hop with his love for the NBA. Since Marbury has not left the Knicks bench since the November 22nd game against the Washington Wizards where he scored an amazingly low 1 point, he decided to make the time go just that much quicker. Marbury’s store which he called “Hate on Me” had its grand opening on Saturday with appearances from Kanye West, Da Brat, P.Diddy, and all 26 of the Wayans. Knicks coach Mike D’Antoni says, “I have to give Stephon credit. I like his ambition. It’s great to see someone who is a plaque on the floor do something else with his time. And this store is exactly what we need for Stephon. And I really like these pants; they are fly.” D’Antoni was quickly corrected about the use of the word “fly” by Damon Wayans and explained to that it is no longer 1990, and Bell Biv Devoe has not had an album in quite some time. D’Antoni now uses the word “pimp” in place of “fly”.

December 9, 2008 – Veteran Steve Francis traded to the Utah Jazz.

All details have not yet been confirmed, but The Utah Jazz have acquired veteran Steve Francis in a blockbuster trade that sees Francis join the Utah Jazz and in return the Rockets receive an iPod Shuffle and a $25 voucher for Six Flags. Initial reaction in Houston is in favour of the trade with one fan saying, “I was worried that we would lose Steve Francis for next to nothing. You seem to see these deals happen and one team gets hardly anything for a star player. But I’m glad to see that we got at least a $75 value. To me that’s fair...actually more than fair” After six weeks of talk the two teams finally agreed to a deal that NBA analysts are saying, “Greatly take Utah into a state of incomprehension.” Further comments include, “Why would Utah want to put themselves in that situation? You might as well put a Volkswagen on your roster.” The Rockets $25 voucher at Six Flags which will be put towards an entire team outing/intervention for new team member Ron Artest.

Observing

2008-10-28T00:00:00.000-03:00

I read a lot of books, and I've read a couple on the social impact of the web. Wikinomics is a perfect example. but I read it, I take it in, I share it with people. I share information I've gathered myself in conversations with other people. Now people I share with may listen, may nod their head, and say they agree, but something keeps them from actually truly considering the information. What is it?

Now I get info from books that have been written by professionals in the field of whatever topic I am reading about. But no matter how much I could say, "I read it in a book" its not going to be as much of an impact as say, "I took it in school", or "my professor taught me about it". And why is that? Because a degree and a piece of paper means that you learned it technically, not for your own benefit. So it must have legitimate merit, right? Well yes and no.

But what is school? Who are professors?

School is a place where we learn. We learn from professors who have learned from books. Along with books, they have learned from other professor's when that had gone to university. My point is, knowledge is just information passed down....for the most part. Even new discoveries of medical breakthroughs for example, through experiments, testing, samples, test subjects, etc. come from prior knowledge. We build on what is known and take that to new levels of understanding and both usefulness with creation of treatments for diseases and sickness, to devastation such as the atom bomb. It's up to the individual receiving this knowledge. How do they want to handle it? How do they process it? What do they do with it?

Now the internet...in the 1990's, the internet was becoming mainstream. This is all "new" information. What I mean by new is: for the general public, this is a world of opportunity and openness that no one has ever seen or imagined before. Now, with this "new" information called the internet, how do me manage lives we already had, lives we already learned how to adapt to, and lives that have been passed down (parent's believes, ways, acts, etc.)? There is no history of the internet, there's no religion of the internet. There's was no text books on how to deal with the internet, there was no documentation of the social impact of the internet. Our lives have now been taken from our geographical boundaries of literally our own neighbourhood to the limitless boundaries of the entire world. With that comes a clash of everything prior. Beliefs, rules, etiquette, news...everything is now there for us to witness, to read, and as result believe if we choose. And my point is, that people believe for the most part, what's on the internet. People will read an article not knowing who wrote it, what it's source data were, or anything. If they see something they don't like, they go on to the next site.

Think of how many times you click on multiple Google links to read one story or read about one person. People continue to research until they find the information that internally agrees with them; their beliefs; their way of what should have happened in any given situation. And this is completely normal human behaviour. People don't like to be uncomfortable, and gathering information they don't agree with is uncomfortable. People have got to manage themselves technologically. Books are still very powerful sources of information. Blogs are great, online forums are great. But the people managing these venues are for the most part, not professionals in their field. We have to know what information to take literally and which information to be weeded out as potential fraudulence. Is this easy? Not at all.

We, as people in general, are getting more stupid. This is not my opinion, but a proven fact. Schools are experiencing all time low test scores. Mathematics and verbal scores are declining. As a lighter look into the intelligence of people look at our sources of entertainment. Mindless reality shows, dancing competitions, are you smarter than a fifth grader. THIS is what entertains people. What happened to A&E documentaries about World War II? What even happened to Saturday morning cartoons? Remember when CNN had actual news instead of talking about celebrities? Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie last week in all of North America. No Godfathers, No Shawshank Redemptions, No Citizen Kane's. Each year we see the Academy Awards nominate and award movies that alot of people have never heard of. These are movies with substance, thought, art, and passion. Do these movies make any money? No. Yes there are exceptions to this overall observation. These are too much for people now. It's all about the quick fix. Two minute you tube clips of accidents and people falling off skateboards, face book albums of last nights drunken mess, Blackberrys that people are lost without. I seen a show last month about how they took a guy's Blackberry. The only source of communication he had was a pay phone. Let's just say, he didn't handle it all that well.

Movies are about 80 minutes now, songs are about 3 minutes. Can't have them much longer though can we? Don't want people losing interest. We text each other when we could easily talk instead, we make Face book events for things that can easily be verbally communicated. We literally spy on people through the internet. It's a shame that this is the way, but it IS the way. The internet has transformed our social interaction, our overall beliefs, and the information we share. There's nothing we can do as individuals but embrace it. But embracing it should mean realizing when it is for the bad. Talk to people face to face, go out for coffee, take trips, read to your kids. Nine years olds have cell phone now. I'm sure you know what you can do with a cell phone....literally everything. Take pictures, access the internet, text friends. Why have friends when you can have virtual friends?

Now all of this information is purely a personal observation. Do not take this information as fact. Keep in mind that information in this post was written on the premise of prior knowledge...some found right here on the internet. Everyone has an opinion, and this is just one of mine. You are well entitled and encouraged to leave comments. Thanks for reading.

Bringing Hip Hop to the Table (v.Rob 1.0)

2008-10-23T00:00:00.001-03:00

First off I want to thank Tom for asking me to contribute a reoccurring discussion on Hip Hop. And I want to thank you for reading.

Next to my son, the only passion I have is Hip Hop. I am no MC, I am no DJ, nor can I break or tag, but I have been consumed by the culture since I was 8 years old, and even though I was told all through my life that I would outgrow my musical tastes, I can tell you I sit here, at 31 years of age, and every bit in love with the music as I was over 20 years ago. It's that kind of dedication I want to offer you the loyal reader of Bringing it to the Table. I hope these entries will change any negative attitudes towards hip hop, or help you re-discover that lost feeling you had, expose you to some artists you may have never heard of, discuss the golden era, & discuss the now era, while keeping it all about the love of the music. So with that said, lets get down to business shall we?

"Back in the day" - A term many Hip Hop listeners will refer to when talking about great and "classic" albums. For me, this refers to roughly 1990 through 1995. In these 5 years, the Hip Hop community released some of the most timeless material of the genre. I can tell you that since 1995 and through 2008, we still don't have as many important albums released in those 12 years as we did in the 5 years prior. These were years that so many people from all over the world found an artist or group and bonded with the music in a life long dedication that we just do not see anymore. Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth, Nas, Snoop, Dr Dre, Wu Tang Clan, Redman, Biggie, De La Soul, Souls of Mischief and Hiero, Pharcyde, Brand Nubian, Outkast, 2pac, Naughty, Gangstarr, KRS One and BDP, and on and on. These are artists that for those of us who were there when they were the "New Artists" shaped and taught us what a Hip Hop group can sound like, and what the music could be, and I promise you we will review all those artists as time goes on here at To The Table.

One of the kids who studied the above artists and taught himself the art of Boom Bap, is none other than Halifax’s own Classified, a true Hip Hop student who over his last three albums has become the teacher showing a whole generation of Canadian Hip Hop kids exactly how it should be done. It baffles me how Classified is so criminally slept on not only in the U.S. but here in Canada as well. Every time this man drops a new record, he sets the bar even higher for Canadian artists. Not bad for a Nova Scotian kid. Respect.

That “Golden” era of Hip Hop was rough, it was smooth, it could be fast, it could be slow, it was honest, and before anyone knew what it was or truly meant, it was absolutely, real, something I can’t say for most of the things we hear in todays catalog. But trust me folks, there still is good hip hop out there. The songs that gave me goose bumps as a kid such as T.R.O.Y, or Breakadawn can still be found today, you just have to know where to look. With today’s technology there is no reason to settle for the likes of Soulja Boy or the common aural diarrhea passed to us as Hip Hop. There are still artists who pour their heart and lay their soul on wax, and it feels every bit as good as a listener as it did all those years ago.

One of my favorite things to do when I have some down time is look through MySpace and just friend jump from artist to artist. It can be hard from time to time as there is just so much garbage out there, but everyone once in awhile you stumble across that gem that gives you a feeling like you just found the next great artist and you did so before anyone else. Even some of the garbage is better than the things they force feed us on the airwaves. So let me proceed with my first list here at To The Table, let me introduce you to the top 5 Hip Hop artists or groups you may have never heard of, but if you consider yourself a Hip Hopper, you need to check this list out.

#5 – Living Proof.
These guys hail from Portland Oregon, a duo that consists of Prem and Flotope. I found these guys completely by accident while searching YouTube for a video, instead I found this extremely low budget video and was immediately a fan. Upon searching I found their MySpace page and sure enough found their album, a debut called “Roots to Branches”. I immediately ordered this album was very pleasantly surprised. Some great conscious lyrics, fantastic production that includes everything from jazz to rock. I love their album, and their sophomore album remains one of my most highly anticipated albums due to drop in 09.

#4 – Cyne
By no means new to the scene, Cyne has been putting in work for almost 8 years. With 5 albums, a few EPs and plenty of collaborations it isn’t hard to see that this group from Florida has done the leg work and should be heard. A soulful but sometimes experimental sound lays the backdrop for the 2 MCs to lay their thought provoking vocals over.

#3 – Sene
One listen and it isn’t hard to tell that this man fell asleep as a child to groups like Tribe and De La Soul. A hypnotic voice that begs you to keep listning and pay attention while taking in every note of the music playing. Imagine the darkest deepest Blues or Jazz bar in New York with that band that just wants to jam all night. Saxophones blatting, drum skin taking a beating and a piano player whose fingers are immunue to the stress of playing a whole set with no break. Now put a smooth voice behind the mic and you will understand what it’s like to listen to Sene.

#2 – Time Machine
These guys are now one of my favorite groups. So far they have released “Know your Role” “TM Radio” and the most recent “Life Is Expensive”. Over their last 3 albums they have grown as a music group becoming more and more experimental. Always looking to capture the sound and essence that good Boom Bap Hip Hop should be, while still trying to find a sound that is unmistably all their own. I personally love their first album, with the horn heavy cut “Night Lights” but the single “The Groove That Just Won’t Stop” from their newest album is incredibly catchy and will almost certainly be something everyone can listen to. Give them a chance and start with the groups first album, then move on, and you can listen to these artists grow and expand on each album, getting better each time.

#1 – Crown City Rockers
This has got to be one of my best personal finds. These cats were once known as “Mission” and released the insanely good “One” album. Due to legal problems with a group over seas they changed their name to Crown City Rockers and never looked back. Their album “Earthtones” is alwayw within arms reach, and is one of those albums that no matter how bad a day you have had, no matter how stressful the day seems, just one listen, and you can’t help but smile and nod your head. A live band that throws every style possible at the listener, you can almost sense the love these guys have for the art form. They released one of my now all time favorite songs called “B-Boy” thats more of a personal anthem than it is a song. Just listen as Raashan explains almost word for word why we love Hip Hop.

Those goose bumps I mentioned near the start of this post, are bumping all over because of groups like this. It’s artists like the above that will keep our art form moving forward for the positive. And if more folks take notice, and the kids of today start checking groups like these, who knows, maybe we can have a new Golden era that will set examples for the next generation of Hip Hoppers. Lord knows that in 1993, “Window Shopper” would not have been anywhere near “Catch a Bad One”. But you know what they say, sometimes you have to take a step back, before moving forward.

Rob

Some Random Thoughts (Post #300)

2008-10-20T10:26:00.004-03:00

Today marks the arrival of our 300th post here on the blog. That's some longevity. That's a lot of content. I can't believe we're coming up on two years of random thoughts already. Sweet! Also, I'm going to have some guest posting here on the blog starting this week. Something to bring a different insight to things, and elaboration on topics I don't know enough about. For example, my first guest post is going to be from Rob.

Along with myself, Rob and I have a great appreciation for hip-hop music. It's really not an interest but part of my life. It's something that holds many memories for both of us. I can still remember hanging out with Rob back when, listening to this new Outkast group and their album Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik, having the first Bone Thugs tape on loop the whole night, calling the Heavy Rotation line in The Source to get a listen of the new South Circle album. Ah the memories.

Rob is going to give some insight into hip-hop music, now and then. How the majority of hip-hop now is terrible, how classics are still out there to be found. Rob's here to help you. If you're a hip-hop fan, you'll want to tune in. Every month, Rob will be contributing. Look for the first post later in the week.

But until then, here's some random thought I had over the weekend:

Impressions – Never do impressions. Just don’t even think of it. Don’t try it at home, don’t think you can do it. Just save yourself and others the agony and never do it. Doing impressions is like stealing someone’s humour. I guess if you don’t have one of your own, steal someone else’s. Have you ever seen comedians on television doing impressions (usually Canadian, white guys)? How painful is that to witness. Like if we wanted to see an impression of Bill Cosby, we’d watch The Cosby Show. If we wanted to be humoured by Robin Williams we’d watch Mrs. Doubtfire or some sh*t. The thing is, we don’t want imitations of this sh*t when it’s easy to get the real thing. So it doesn’t matter how funny you think it will be, it is not. Don’t do impressions, period. Trust me, I’m doing you a favour here.

Thanksgiving – We all experienced it…we had the turkey. We really don’t need to talk about it for days after the fact. Thanksgiving conversation is like weather conversation that only comes once a year. Everyone talks about their Thanksgiving dinner and how great it was and all this sh*t, but it’s just conversation filler. There’s never surprises or anything out of the ordinary, it’s all the same sh*t every time you hear it.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua – When a movie with this title and the tagline, “50% Warrior, 50% Lover, 100% Chihuahua reaches number one at the box office over a movie starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Russell Crowe we have officially reached a new low. Universities and colleges are now irrelevant in this world. Like the movie 28 Days Later, the world has become overcome with zombies. But replace the zombies with stupid people. We are seriously getting more stupid by the day.

Audio Books – You ever listen to an audio book and realize how hard they are to get into? Like you’re excited about this book and start listening and then realize that the person reading is not enough like your own inner monologue. You feel a little uneasy because he doesn’t sound, or read as quick as you do. It’s just a weird feeling.

Tim Horton’s – I regret to inform you that I actually went into one of these store’s yesterday. Was it for myself…no. Will I ever do it again…no.

I love when someone is in line yelling to a lady and her three kids if they want anything in the order. Oh and the lady is about 20 feet away sitting down. Kids never change their mind right?

I love when people pay in nickels and dimes.

I love being behind someone who gets a Ham and Swiss, four coffees, an Iced Cappacino, and a box of timbits.

I love having nine employees (productive) and one on cash (counterproductive).

I love NASCAR themed clothes. They are very bright.

I love that TV they have up there on the menu. I always wondered how they dipped a f*ckin chocolate donut.

I love how happy everyone is.

I love how consistent the orders are. I love knowing if I get a bucket of a hint of cream cheese, and a donut the size of a toonie or a fritter the size of a baseball glove.

I love having a reason to have all those extra construction workers. One to work, eight to drink coffee.

I love how they ask if you want your pennies back. Yes I want my f*ckin pennies. I want my food, I want my drink, I want my f*ckin money. What kind of business is this?

Dell.ca Loves Customers

2008-10-06T00:00:00.000-03:00

Dell is perceived as a great company to buy sh*t from. Their prices are cheap, they ship from Canada, and they replace your broken sh*t with another one if requested. The problem is though that it's almost impossible to actually get to the point of replacement.

Do anyone own a Dell product? Have you ever tried to call customer service? If you've tried and failed it's probably because you can’t find the correct phone number to call. Seriously, look on the site. Try to find a number. Usually websites have a “contact us” button at the bottom of the page but Dell make you select the right ones in a specific order like it’s a Zelda labyrinth. I'm not looking for the f*ckin Triforce. If you f*ck up you have to go back to the beginning. And then if you miraculously find a number to call you get prompted by more automated sh*t like it's a credit card company phone call.

But this is Dell; they sell a LOT of sh*t, so you must sit through an option for every product they have until you get the one you want…unless you own a monitor. Even though Dell sells monitors by the sh*tload, they apparently didn’t employ anyone to f*ckin talk about them. Like they have a whole team on printers and ink yet have f*ckin no one covering monitors. I swear there is no option. The closest they have to a f*ckin monitor is LCD TVs or Projection Displays. Like wtf is that?! What button do I push? And then you randomly pick one hoping for the best and the dude gets all mad that you are in the wrong department. Like, “ Motherf*cker have you ever called yourself? What the f*ck did you want me to pick, desktop computers?”

And do you know what the best thing about online technical support is? Troubleshooting. Because when you actually talk to someone who knows what a f*ckin monitor is, they have to take you through the process of trying to fix it first. You have to fist explain to them what’s wrong with your product. Like, it doesn’t work. It’s looks f*cked up. How can I explain that sh*t technically? So they have to ask you various levels of questions in order to try to rectify the problem, questions that are the most basic troubleshooting actions anyone could take. Like, “Really, I never tried unplugging the monitor first; do you think that could help? Maybe I should just restart my computer too, right? Or jiggle the cables?” Tell me some sh*t I haven’t already tried. This is “technical” support, not “basic-sh*t” support, mother f*cker!

Things That Lazy People Like #10

2008-10-01T00:00:00.000-03:00

10. - Meal Combos – Lazy people obviously like fast food. As I mentioned before they also like the addition of Drive Thrus. This makes acquiring such fast food easier for them. But also, lazy people love meal combos. When a menu board has 137 items, it is very time consuming and increasingly difficult to put a number of food items together on their own. With so many tasty items, it’s tedious trying to figure out what is most satisfying to a lazy person. Ordering a “combo” makes all this thinking and second guessing something no longer worried about. The way lazy people perceive combos is that these items are included together for a certain reason. There must have been some sort of study including focus groups or something. They must have had surveys to fill out that would indicate which foods should be put together, right? So the result of these thoughts indicate to a lazy person that they are safe choosing anyone of these combos. They will be happy with what they receive and will be accepted by the mass of lazy people around them.

But sometimes lazy people want to be different and feel rebellious. Well people who created combos thought of this, so they included at least one combo that people seldom purchase. It usually contains a food product that would almost seem out of place in relation to the other combos; one that can warrant a second look from other lazy people or even a double-take from the person taking your order. The order taker will usually repeat your request in a questioning tone. Also, this forsaken combo addition usual contains a product with fish. But it’s JUST fish. It’s not a type of fish like haddock or cod, it simply states “Fish” They really don’t want to deter anyone away from the combo menu with thought provoking choices, they just know that maybe people will want something other than chicken or beef. Let’s stick fish up there and see what happens.

Also, this combo is not separate from the other combos. Even though a rebellious choice, alienation is not an option. So for example if there are eight combos, the fish one will be number five or six. They want the impression that even though you’re on your own here with this fish, you’re still part of us. A risk taker, yet still part of the group.

Energy Drinks and Minors

2008-09-26T00:00:00.000-03:00

There was a time when energy drinks never existed. There was the entry stage of such products when there was very few options. I remember trying a Red Bull for the first time in Boston in 2000. They were not avaialble in Canada at this time. But now not only are they available in Canada, they are literally everywhere. Take a look in your local grocery store isle; there is a whole section dedicated to the numerous brands, sizes and flavors. We live a life of choice. Now what do these energy drinks promise? The promise of course energy. Mental awareness and stimulation to get you through your day. And how do they achieve that? Well with a lot of ingredients. Some ingredients have been almost unrecognizable until the advent of such energy drinks. As Wikipedia states:

Generally energy drinks include methylxanthines (including caffeine), B vitamins, and herbs. Other common ingredients are guarana, which has a high caffeine content, taurine, plus various forms of ginseng, maltodextrin, carbonated water, inositol, carnitine, creatine, glucuronolactone and ginkgo biloba. Some contain high levels of sugar, and many brands also offer artificially-sweetened 'diet' versions. The central ingredient in most energy drinks is caffeine, the same stimulant found in coffee or tea, often in the form of guarana or yerba mate. The average 237 milliliter (8 fluid ounce) energy drink has about 80 mg of caffeine, with 480 ml (16 fl. oz.) drinks containing around 150 mg.

Does something like this seem suitable for youths? Does a 14 or 15 year old kid really need these drinks. Are they really that tired and wore out that they need this "boost" of energy? If you are 15 years old and your constantly fatigued, you better get your ass to the doctor. But now there's a debate as to whether people under 16 years of age should legally be allowed to purchase energy drinks? Ok, so how exactly are they going to measure this? The caffeine level? The sugar amount? Are they going to like at the amount of Taurine in a product and say, "if it's over this amount, we can't sell it to kids"? There's going to be a couple things that could happen with this.

Kids are just going to want it more. You were a kid at one point. Things we can't have, we want. Things were not allowed to have or that society says we can't have makes us want to rebel against that. I'm not saying that this is the case for everyone, but for a lot of people it is. Also, there is going to be such a lose understanding of the rule that no one is going to back it. Minimal repurcutions; minimal giving a sh*t.

Why did it take so long to come to this conclusion? How long have energy drinks been on the market? I understand that these drinks are not good for you in any way. I'm curious to see how the progress of this concern goes.

Honk Etiquette

2008-09-22T00:00:00.000-03:00

You're in your car, you're the second person just behing one car in front of you at a red light. The lght turns green but the car doesn't proceed. It happens all the time. It happens to me. You just get focused on other things at the moment sitting in your car, and for a few seconds you just become unaware of the green light.

A quick honk from the one behind you though is enough to get you to snap out of it. But what is the mentality behind that honk. Is it a pissed off honk like, "Hurry up ya dumb bastard, it's green, green means f*ckin go." or is it like a tap on the shoulder such as, "Um, excuse me, I don't know if you noticed, but the light has turned green. If you wouldn't mind proceeding forward, that would be great. Thanks a bunch." You just never now, and trying to draw attention to yourself while in a car in limited only to the horn. Unless of course you're sticking your middle finger out of the window. But with the middle finger we know that the person is pissed. But how do you just gently give someone the tap on the shoulder or the friendly honk.

Well our only option has been limited to the double honk for kindness. You know the two quick taps on the steering wheel. That usually gives the impression of "Hey man, what's up. Pay attention, look at me. Don't worry, I'm not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just trying to help ya out." For rudeness we have other options. Specifically the long drawn out honk. This is anywhere from 2-4 seconds long. Less than two seconds could be a misunderstanding of pleasant or rude, anything longer than four seconds just draws concern that your horn is broken or you just collapsed on the steering wheel.

But really, how universal is this understanding? We really need to have an additional horn or something that further demonstrates the helpful manner of the honk. With incidents of violent road rage increasin we need something to further verify the fact that we're not pissed, we're just concerned for your well being. Like, we're not always cursing the sh*t out of stupid people on the road; sometimes we just try to help.

Perhaps we could have a specific honk that's the voice of Bruce from Family Guy, or maybe we all can have a General Lee type honk. Just putting some options out there.

It Has People Talking

2008-09-17T00:00:00.000-03:00

We meet people everyday. We frequently encounter other human beings that we must engage in some sort of communication with. This signifies that yes, we are indeed people that share something of interest. It doesn’t matter if we know the other person or not, we must uncover these hidden interests of this person. And at the same time, they must do the same. Now how do we do that? We embark on a sort of journey through typical questions and hints, like a quiz game show. The purpose of this is to indicate that we have the reassurance that the other person knows we are there. That not only are we rich in conversation and excited to talk about something, but also that overall we’re nice people.

So what topics do we talk about? You’re waiting for your car to be fixed; you’re in an elevator; you’re in line waiting for a sandwich; it really doesn’t matter. Regardless of the situation, we need to comment on a topic that will guarantee a favourable response. So one thing that everybody has in common, and have some sort of knowledge regarding is of course the weather. The sun, rain, snow, fog, or whatever you choose; the weather is the most dominant topic for conversation between us all.

Weather conversation is always one of those “no sh*t” conversations as well. Like really, I live in the same city as you, I can see out the window. Thanks for your brilliant insight into the obviously sunny day. Now not only do we all have a general idea of what sort of weather is happening around our vicinity, but people are very intrigued at weather conditions worldwide as well. Not only is weather a topic of discussion but it is also a personal contest of dominance. It doesn’t even matter if you were caught in the cyclone of a Level 5 twister, someone has been in worst, and chances are, it’s the person you are talking to. Or if not them personally they have at least heard about someone who has.

As you see, no one is satisfied with your story regardless of the scenario and carnage that followed. It’s mediocre to them. Also be on the lookout for various facts about the weather. They will frequently be thrown into conversation to elicit further battle. They always throw in words and statements that include things like, “coldest on record”, or “the hottest I can remember”. You always have to add factual sh*t in there; it can’t do anything but help. Even if the facts can’t be proven or are based on personal experience, it adds just that much more to the contest. But following your statements they must “up” you with their tales of weather shenanigans of their own. It’s like Final Fantasy; a turn-based battle. This can bounce back and forth until the story of that hailstorm you seen in ‘96 turns into an epidemic from the Day After Tomorrow.

Where are you reading this right now? Are you in a coffee shop with free wi-fi? Are you on your iPhone on the bus? If you’re in a public place with various conversations just listen. Who needs the Weather Network when we have meteorologists among us?

Commercially Critiqued - The Buxton Bag

2008-09-09T00:00:00.004-03:00

Infomercials - They are purposedly made to be corny. Bad acting and awful voiceovers are a constant theme in ever infomercial. But since the mid 80s infomercials have grown into something that used to be shown very late at night, or early in the morning to something we are constantly bombarded with. How many people have seen the Magic Bullet ad? Like everyone knows that thing. Well how about the Buxton Organizer.

The Buxton Organizer, as quoted by the official website is, "The biggest, little bag ever." Yes, it's just a f*ckin bag. Where did the innovational breakthrough come from in this bag? Wiat let's analyze the selling specs of this product:

Durable genuine soft leather that looks great with any outfit. - How do they know this. Did they match it up with every f*ckin possible combination of clothing? All I can picture is some lady throwing this thing over her shoulder and standing in front of the mirror and being like, "This looks like sh*t. Those lying bastards!"

Instantly organizes all your personal belongings - Really? Like do you lay it on your bed and open up the flap and all your belongings instantly walk their ass in there like a marching band? Like your lipstick knows exactly where to go? The picture above (if you look closely) has a passport sticking out of the top. Yes, this is the safest place to put your passport, right where everyone can see it! That and the fact that the passport is the size of an Archie comic is both perplexing and absurd.

With plenty of room and pockets, there is a place for everything - It's the size of a f*ckin lunch bag. I guess there is indeed room for everything if nothing in this world were any bigger than a Michelena's dinner or a box of Pizza Pops or something. What kind of misleading promise is this sh*t?

Outer zippered pockets allow you quick access to store grocery lists, to do lists, and even a bottle of water - Really? Where are you preparing to go. On a f*ckin adventure through labyrinths with Indiana Jones? Can't you just maybe carry your bottle of water and jam that grocery list in your pocket like normal people do?

I'm hoping everyone realizes that this is just a bag...just like every other bag that's been carried around by women for like 100 years. Maybe 100 years that f*ckin cell phone in the picture actually existed; it must have been the model release in 1908. Look at the size of that f*ckin thing! What is that a Nokia...and a Palm Pilot? Like really. This is a recent ad meaning that they would have had to gather up a bunch of sh*t that perhaps women would carry around. Who had a Palm Pilot laying around? Was it stuck in a drawer in the producers office? Is it a gag that they just threw in there just hoping someone will call to order and be like, "I've been looking for a convenient way to store two bottles of water, Zack Morris's phone, 19 pens, my remote control-size iPod, an umbrella, my Archie comic passport, AND my Palm Pilot. Thank you Buxton Bag for making a dream a convenient reality."

Check out the actual infomercial on the official site. Look, a regular purse can get stolen unlike the Buxton Bag. I guess the Buxton Bag is unstealable. There's no way a criminal could get it over your head. He'd have to lift it vertically instead of just sliding it off your shoulder. Wow, it's a theft deterrent too!

You can even find what you need with a blindfold. Yeah if you are looking for the one thing sticking the f*ck out of the top of the bag. That's like saying that your ass can find the toilet. It's the only thing there, there's not really a lot of options to choose from like it's a bag of Scrabble letters and you're trying to find the "Q". And btw, who the f*ck is going through their purse with a blindfold? Are you held captive? Is this some sort of crazy Saw-type shit? Get your phone outta that bag, call for help, lady! What the f*ck are you gonna do with your reading glasses when you got a blindfold on?

And finally, check out the free gift you get with your bag. So the bag is $19.99 and the voice reminder is a $20 value. So that means that they are giving you the bag...plus $.01 just to get it off their hands. Do you know why? Just check out #9 in this Cracked.com article. Life is basically better without the f*ckin thing.

The Next Ten Rules of Early Video Games

2008-09-05T00:00:00.006-03:00

After going through the archives of September 2007 on Bringing it to the Table I came across the Top Ten Accepted Facts of Early Video Games. Well with so many games and so many years put into them, there had to me more than 10. Here's the next batch.

10. Garbage cans, crates, boxes, and chests always contain steak dinners, or chicken legs if you smash the sh*t out of them. Anytime you are in a street fight or some sort of melee and notice a lonely garbage can with no garbage in it, kick the crap out of it. It is guaranteed that you will get some sort of dining reward. And don’t even worry about it being food that has been in the garbage because it will instantly appear prepared, cooked, and garnished. It will even be nicely placed on a serving platter and have potatoes and maybe peas. “Where are the utensils?” you ask. Don’t worry about it, you can always polish it off with one bite…plate and all. Actually don’t even worry about chewing because walking over the vicinity of the meal will trigger the consumption, because apparently you eat with your feet.

9. Every time you start your adventure, your physical shape and skills needed to complete the quest are far from acceptable. It seems like you, as the one person chosen to unlock the mysteries of this world have no f*ckin idea how to do it. You always start out with no weapons, maximum hit points of like 12, no spells, no friends, and usually not even a f*ckin clue where to turn next. Through your journey you’ll read an encyclopedic amount of books gaining spells, and wisdom. I really don’t know why he couldn’t just pick up a f*ckin spell book and learn Fire or Earth spell abilities before you got in this predicament but whatever. Maybe borrow your dad’s magical sword perhaps? Ya think running around in caves and sh*t may prompt some preparation on your behalf. I mean the whole f*ckin world is counting on ya dude.

8. Bullets are easily avoided due to the fact that all bullets in early video games are clearly visible. Not only are they visible but they are insanely slow. So slow in fact, that they defy gravity all together. I can’t see the effects of bullets in any video game back in the day being anymore hurtful than getting hit in dodgeball during gym class. Also instead of bullets looking like bullets they usually resemble brightly lit, orange spheres (actually circles because spheres require 3D which video games did not have). Unless it is Bullet Bill from Super Mario Bros. And he’s just a pissed off version of a bullet with a nasty grin. But he’s so slow that he is easily thwarted by jumping on it. So if you get hit by Bullet Bill you die, but if you hit Bullet Bill by jumping on it, it dies? Anyway, so these brightly lit, orange circles would float through the air until reaching the intended target resulting in either instant death, or a loss of “power” in your health meter. So either all games greatly f*cked up on their portrayal of any type of arsenal, or all games were actually modified versions of dodgeball.

7. All levels have “bosses”. These are usually humans or creatures with strength and abilities not yet seen or believed. They are usually no terrifying and influential that they employ hundreds of minions to try to keep you away from the boss itself. The minions usually are ninjas, street thugs, or various enemies that oddly share the same physical characteristics and appearance. Not sure why the boss character doesn’t just lay low and not build an island or fortress specifically stating, “Hey, I’m an evil scientist with an insane amount of money that I for no reason have attained. I built all of this by hand. Please come defeat me.” Right Dr. Wily?

6. All enemies regardless of species carry the exact currency you actually need to purchase things. The only thing is you have to beat it out of them. Enemies, even though they seem to have no ability to communicate with merchants or have any use of purchasing things humans need like potions and weapons, still seem to carry around the cash to do so. I’m not sure where they got it, or how they knew to take it, but it’s a good thing they did. Because in role-playing games it seems like the only way to make money is to kill enemies that shouldn’t actually have the money anyway. Even the merchants, inn keepers, and servants seem to not make any monetary reward at all. They work for free. Good thing the forests are inhabitated by creatures containing c-notes.

5. Everyone you encounter will be open for random conversation but are only lmiited to one brief sentence. Whether it be useful information or some sort of riddle that you must decipher; it doesn't matter. These people are here, outside their hut or cabin, standing in one spot, through any type of weather or time of day waiting for you and only you to walk up to them and say this one sentence. This is the point of their lives so at least try to act like you're interested.

4. Basic weapons contain unlimited amounts of ammunition. But the better the weapon is, the more rare the ammunition is to fill it. This makes sure that your pistol packs a whole bunch of ammo, and your grenade launcher has one grenade. Unlimited ammo was dominant in games because running out of ammo in shooter wasn’t exactly an option for you, or the limitations of the machine. It’s not like you could go half a level of Contra without ammo. Like what happens when you get to the end of the level and have to beat up a 50 foot machine? What are you gonna throw your gun at it? The game would just f*ck up and have no idea what to do. But even though ammo for weapons was plentiful in Contra, you still die from one hit of the brightly lit, orange circles.

3. The biggest obstacle to any game protagonist is “the hole”. The hole is exactly what is sounds like. A giant open gap in the middle of any level. No matter what the capabilities of a hero, the hole always seems to cause continued problems. If you were a villain and you wanted to create some sort of protection from this hero wouldn’t you just build a level that’s a gaint hole? And then have that level be the only way he could get to you? Mega Man hated holes. He has great abilities and all that sh*t but once he encountered a hole he dropped like a f*ckin rock. Don’t know why they just didn’t give him wings or something. How come he never had to defeat Wingman? Or did he? I lost interest in Mega Man games after the first 14 of them. Sometimes these holes contained another common obstacles for heroes; heroes that can’t jump too far…spikes!

2. All doors take a generic key to open. Also once opened the key magically disappears from your inventory. Like the door basically eats the key in exchange for opening. First of all, I don’t know why they have locks if anyone with a key could open it. Are keys rare? Are they difficult to make for blacksmiths? I guess they just want you to go on a quest to find this f*ckin key and decided that making multiple key configurations would just be too daunting. And then where does the key go? How come I can’t use it on the next door? The damn door did some magical sh*t and made my key disappear, what’s up with that? F*ck you door!

1. Martial artists were apparently very lmited in their fighting repetoire. Most karate masters and even ninjas were limited to kicking, punching, and sometimes jump kicks (ducking and jumping aren't necessarily skills so I left them out). The only difference ninjas had was the ability to throw ninja stars and sometimes disappear. I guess in addition to stealth, magical abilities are very popular among ninjas as well. No wonder ninjas stay consistenly cool, even to this day. If there was a ninja university everyone would go. All jobs would include ninjaism. So your doctor is also dressed up as a ninja, a white ninja of course. Bus drivers - ninjas; mechanics - ninjas; waiters - ninjas; strippers - sexy ninjas. You get the point.

Loud Noises featuring Akon

2008-09-01T00:00:00.002-03:00

Douche bag, or simply douche, is slang vocabulary that dates back to the 1960s. The metaphor of identifying a person as a douche is intended to associate a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and malice.

Everyone knows their fair share of douchebags, or has heard some wild stories about people that included douchebagitis or douchebag-type behaviour. So how about those guys that always have their car stereo on. I mean, they always f*ckin do. Not when they are driving around, I don't mean that. That's when you should be listening to sh*tty music, but I mean all those other times that are just there to bother people. Like when they stop and get gas. They turn the car off, don't get me wrong. That's a giving. No one wants a spark or anything blowing your sh*t up, but they then proceed to just turn on just their stereo. And it's never just on, it's f*ckin ON! Like it's at its highest decibel possible, or at least close to it. Like who the f*ck needs to hear Akon anymore than we already do? Do we really need the most overplayed, commercial sh*t thrown at us some more. Did they just get the CD recently? Did they just discover downloading or something? What are you trying to prove to everyone? Do you get cool kudos for liking a particular song? No you don't. Maybe there's a chance that a Jeep TJ full of hot ass would drive by and hear the music. They would then screech to a halt and 180 that sh*t back to the dance party ensuing.

Also, one of the most popular places for such behaviour is the car wash. You might be thinking, "No, you can't wash your car with the windows down, that would result in wet car seats and busted electronic components." Yes I agree, but they sure can vacuum a car with those f*ckers down. Also, this assures that you will hear at least two tracks....and chances are they both feature Akon or Chris Brown. Because they need to shove at least three dollars in that vacuum, because apparently their cars are really f*ckin dirty. Like did they just come from the beach? Were they having a cookie and cracker party in there or something? And three dollars in like at least six minutes. So sit back and enjoy. Some popular automobiles that contain such activity are: Honda Civics, Dodge Neons, SX 2.0, SRT-4, etc., SUVs including Durangos, Escalades, Navigators and Explorers (Eddie Bauer Editions only) and Acura Integras. Also much older vehicles like the Oldsmobile Cutlass are good finds but they have to have nice wheels or Lambo doors.

The Coast's Best of Halifax Reader's Poll 2008

2008-08-26T16:52:00.003-03:00

Alright, the time has come. The Coast's annual Best of Halifax poll has come around again. It would be great to see Bringing it to the Table win the award for the second year in a row. The exposure that The Coast has provided to the blog has been incredible. I'm getting some great comments and some new frequent visitors. Checking my Feedburner stats there is a good number of e-mail and feed subscribers. Why not show your love by following this link and taking the poll and casting your vote for Bringing it to the Table for Best Local Blog for 2008.

Last year's awards were a blast. The events at the Marquee went great with not only Bringing it to the Table winning Best Local Blog but also good friend Josh Webb winning Best Photographer. Also I think Jon had a good time, isn't that right? Only one ballot per e-mail address so make it count.

Thanks, Tom

The Return Happens...September 1st

2008-08-22T21:02:00.003-03:00

Wow, it seems like I just posted on the fact that summer was finally here and now near the end of August it's already almost over. Ah, those Atlantic Canada summer seasons. Here and gone before you know it. Well, hopefully we'll get a great September and some fantasically sunny days. The nights are already getting chilly, but the days are still looking and felling great.

With the hiatus of Bringing it to the Table you may have guessed that I have had an extremely busy summer. This summer has been the most productive and satisfying I have had in my life. But unfortunately I have not had the time I've wanted to dedicate to this blog. But on September 1st, Bringing it to the Table will return in the glorious form you remember. More frequently will you see posts as I look forward to bringing fresh new content to the readers.

Thank you for your patience with Bringing it to the Table through the summer. I hope you had a fulfilling and memorable summer. School is back in soon, so make sure that between essays and Facebook you waste a little time over here as well.

Thanks and see you in September,
Tom

What We're About

2008-07-16T10:59:00.005-03:00

Since the beginning of Bringing it to the Table, the common theme of complete randomness has pretty much filled the content for the past year and a half. But there are some new visitors every day which may not know what we’re all about, so I wanted to clarify the point of this blog.

The point is, we have no point. That’s why it’s no random. I really don’t know enough about one particular topic to have a continuing blog about it. But let’s get the facts straight. The purpose of the content on this blog is to not offend anyone in general. I’m not singling anyone out. If there’s a post of the top things that lazy people like, it’s obviously not about ALL lazy people. People are different in every way possible. Our diversity makes the world a unique place…an enjoyable place most of the time. If we all wore silver jumpsuits with the V stripe, life would be boring.

People do dumb things. If you live on Earth you probably notice that everyday. Why not try YouTube, Cracked? But I do dumb things all the time…don’t we all? We’re not perfect. How many times have you been on Kijiji and witnessed the worse post ever, either spelling, grammar, etc.? Why not have a little fun with that? I’m not writing them back or posting their e-mail addresses and phone numbers in public so people know exactly posted them. How many spelling errors do you see in the posts on this blog alone? But what’s the world we live in without a good laugh? A sh*tty one. Has anyone ever seen stand up comedy where something was not being ridiculed? Imagine TMZ that didn’t say anything about the lack of intelligence of some celebrities? This is a reality show time we live in now. They produce and we watch reality television to witness the stupidity and mishaps of others. We’re on the outside looking in.

So with this blog, are the facts wrong…of course they are. Do I think I’m right with everything I write…no, absolutely not. There’s no research department here, no experts, no staff at all. Observations are particular to one person alone. I obviously know that all people are not lazy, or that not all girlfriends only use the internet for Facebook. If I did think those things then that would ignorant on my part. We’re just having some fun here. So to everyone that gets a good laugh out of what they read, then thank you, I appreciate it. To everyone that may get upset, it’s not you in general. These are not statistically proven posts that should be remembered and inscribed on scrolls or anything

Write you're two cents in the comments, that's why blogs have those little sections. What are your opinions, I love reading them. Just don't get all hostile looking for a typing fight to ensue because the conflicts were squashed a long time ago on this blog. Your opinions are noted and appreciated, and everyone has their right to an opinion. So don't take it personal if I don't want to get into a match to the death on who's right, who's wrong, and who's the douchebag.

Later!

Why your Girlfriend has the Internet

2008-07-14T15:58:00.004-03:00

Guys have their reasons for having internet access. Today, really most of the male population could not get by without it. It provides us with music, inspiration, direction, and things we may never find unless we lived in the Czech Republic. It’s not like we’d ever be able to see a Japanese yo-yo competition on cable TV could we? But with the world of content literally at our fingertips, your girlfriend has a different idea of what the internet is actually for. The main purpose and reason your girlfriend even has the internet is due to Mark Zuckerberg himself. In actuality, Mark Zuckerberg should be getting Wilt Chamberlain-type amounts of ass just for introducing Facebook to the female population. He made the ability to creep on people they f*ckin hate into a common pastime that many girls around the world take part in daily, sometimes hourly. Let’s not ignore the fact that he could buy the city your girlfriend lives in as well.

Facebook is the ultimate in virtual relationships for girls nationwide. Logging into their e-mail account and seeing those worthless e-mails that say “John has written on your wall”, or “Jennifer has made a comment about your photo” generates a surge of excitement reminiscent of when guys see a Ferrari. To her it means someone is listening. That even though you don’t give a crap about her Uncle Frank’s 50th birthday, someone does. Even though she is most likely logging into Facebook as she is checking her e-mail anyway, they will never turn off those friendly e-mail notices about someone creeping on your sh*t.

There are so many exciting features that your girlfriend loves to do on Facebook that sometimes it even cuts actual physical communication and interaction off altogether. No longer do you have to leave post-it notes on the fridge anymore. Why not post on each other’s walls so all 783 people in your friend’s list including your significant other will know that you are ordering Chinese food tonight because your parents are coming over. Why not make your entire life public? There’s no easier way to do it then having it pop up in the News Feed of everyone who has known you, including the casual conversation you had about Big Brother last night with that co-worker that you don’t even f*ckin talk to in person.

Also, your girlfriend will love Facebook for the exciting process of posting pictures. Not just select pictures of a monument or a beachfront you visited in Cuba. No, not those types of pictures alone, but every f*ckin snapshot to ever come off of your memory card or cell phone camera. If girlfriends take three pictures that are almost identical, they post them all. Girlfriends love the fact that you no longer have to e-mail pics or bring physical pictures from Walmart to other people’s homes for sharing and enjoyment. Why do they post pictures? Because there is a chance that they will receive comments on said pictures, meaning that people are viewing and enjoying the pictures of you bowling last night, tanked out of your mind throwing gutter balls.

Also, if by some odd reason your girlfriend ever got bored with Facebook itself, she could possibly install a Facebook application. Some popular applications can allow you to draw things on people’s walls, super walls, advanced walls, etc. Unfortunately the skill your girlfriend has with any type of designing skills result in something that looks like a scribble or an Etch-a-Sketch drawing of some sort. But don’t worry about it, you didn’t install the app. No need to delete it.

Summer is Here

2008-07-09T13:45:00.004-03:00

Blogging has come to a halt as of lately and I'll explain why. It’s summer, and I have A LOT of things going on right now. In terms of employment, I have some things I have to take care of, and some goals I have to and want to reach. I always love having particular goals to achieve, whether it be to finish a book by a certain day, or creating a work or art. Whatever it may be, achieving goals is something I thrive on, and it makes me look forward to every day.

Now one of my goals is this blog. Don’t get me wrong, I love Bringing it to the Table and where it has gone and what it has become. I love reading everyone’s comments and checking the counter to see where everyone is visiting from. It’s exciting knowing that what I write is entertaining to people. I thank you for your continued dedication to Bringing it to the Table.

Now, with the summer months upon us, other goals have come about; goals that can only be achieved during the beautiful summer months. One of those goals is to enjoy what limited summer we have. That includes camping periodically, travelling, and seeing friends. Sometimes all three of those things can be combined into one event. Not unfortunately blogging is not my day job. Actually, I don’t even get paid at all on it :) But that’s fine, this is something I do for fun and for achieving something I’ve wanted to do for quite some time. But my day job takes a lot of time, a lot of research, and a lot of planning. My dedication to the content of this blog has been compromised, and without having the time to put into the contant, I do not want to post small, unworthy posts that may not be much for decent, entertaining material.

The posts for the next month or two will be slim, maybe once every two weeks. I haven’t even had time to do a “In Retrospect” post for June. But fear not, I will be back in the fall, and Bringing it to the Table will, with your help, become Halifax’s Best Local Blog for the second year during this year’s voting in The Coast.

Get out there, enjoy your summer. Visit patios on Spring Garden, go camping with your close friends, take that road trip you’ve been meaning to make time for. Keep in mind, our summer is limited, and we have maybe three good months of it if we’re lucky. Before you know it, school will be back in for the next semester. This is the time we’ve been waiting for all year!

Thanks everyone, and I’ll talk to you soon.

P.S. I'll be adding a couple new links to the blog including Josh Webb's, an amazing photographer, avid adventerous, and great friend, and Sexy Non-Fiction by Mike. I guy that could be the most influential and goal-oriented person I've ever met. His blog is just an amazing adventure on it's own. They'll be to the right in a couple.

Things That Lazy People Like #9

2008-06-23T06:00:00.006-03:00

Recently I listed eight things that lazy people like. As I see and realize these things, it's a lot more beneficial to me to list them as they occur to me, rather than making a list of such things. Such format has been implemented successfully by Things White People Like, so periodically you will see a post in regards to this....here is number nine.

9. Close Proximity Parking Spaces – Parking Spaces that are close to the destination building or establishment are key positions for lazy people and are useful for pinpointing lazy people’s automobiles in general. Lazy people will scout out a close parking spot for more than 10 minutes if they think that one may pop-up. During this time, basic logical thinking is abandoned and the challenge overwhelms the reasoning thought process. Don’t forget, lazy people will do anything to bypass physical activity by any means possible. And if we give the width of a car a maximum diameter of about four steps, a close parking space can save the lazy person on average about 40 steps. That is close to workout territory and by no means does a lazy person want them selves or any other lazy people to know that they embarked on this workout mission. You have to be careful. A member of the bingo hall, or local pub could easily be sitting in a car that’s closer to the building than you are. They could even be doing the same thing you are, looking for that golden parking space of stationary bliss. This is how rumours start; and no one likes rumours about themselves.

Also, as people know, handicapped parking spaces take priority over lazy people parking spots and even though this is reasonable, because well handicapped people ARE handicapped, this sometimes makes lazy people angry and sometimes jealous that they received this “advantage” of parking. So in some instances you may witness a lazy person taking things into their own hands. Sometimes they will avoid the warning signs of blue paint and the generic handicapped logo and join them in the Holy Grail of Parking. This is beneficial to lazy people by extra taking les steps than would actually be possible, and better for unlazy people but further solidifying the fact that yes, you are indeed lazy. This even gives other people a chance to point and single out the lazy protagonist. But when confronted lazy people take a dumbed down state of thinking, and demonstrate that their actions were based on various decisions such as somehow not knowing that it was not a designated lazy person spot, or not being aware of the universal sign for “handicapped”.

But studies have shown that close parking spots are indeed very much a priority for lazy people, and that once found and implemented in any giving day, joy and fulfillment is achieved that ranks high on their list making their day just that much better.

The Five Most Underappreciated Video Game Characters of the 80s

2008-06-17T16:12:00.005-03:00

So everyone knows about the Marios and Luigis, the Links and the Samus, and even the long tube you paid a quarter to move left and right in Arkanoid. But there's characters who left early never to be seen again. Are they working drive-thrus in St. Louis? Are they street performers in downtown Boston? We may never know, (except for Double Dragon, they went on to play some serious ball in Superspike V-Ball) Here are the top five underappreciated video game characters of the 80s.

1. Q*Bert – To summarize this character, Q*Bert is a squat, orange character with a tubular nose and expressive eyes, That’s a very short description of the protagonist, but in all honesty that pretty much sums up all of the QB himself. In mean, it was 1982, it’s not like they could put any facial animations or and sort of useful upper limbs on him with the limited abilities of processors back then. According to Wikipedia: "The character was designed by Jeff Lee, who had been drawing goofy characters since he was young, inspired by comics, cartoons and Mad magazine. Q*bert's distinctive tubular nose was originally intended for him to shoot projectiles from (and the game would have been called "Snots and Boogers"), an idea supported by everyone at Gottlieb apart from Warren Davis. Since Davis was the only programmer on the project, this idea never made it into the game.” So basically they were going to have a game about shooting snot. I guess the ideas behind video games have changed. Q*Bert wasn’t exactly Metal Gear Solid 4 was it?

QB is one of the few characters that succeeded in video game history with having hardly any skills at all. But really when you live in a universe of block pyramids, who really needs anything else but the ability to jump? I mean with all the Slinky-type snakes and deathly round bouncy balls, a can of Raid and perhaps a tennis racket would have been nice. But when you have no f*ckin arms they become quite irrelevant. Let’s just stick with the jumping.

2. Bubble Bobble – I guess dragons can range from cute and cuddly animals that would look good hanging from a kid’s mobile to fire-breathing, havoc-reeking beasts that terrorize villagers. Not sure what family dragons are from but I can predict uncomfortable conversations at the dragon family reunion though:

Bubble – “So last night, me and Bobble were hanging above this beautiful newborn as 8-bit music played out of our asses. He just looked up at me and slowly closed his eyes and fell into a beautiful dreamland. It’s just what being a dragon is all about.”

Larger more intimidating Dragon – “I burned six drifters today…SIX! Oh, and I stepped on a wizard too. Score…high five!”

Bubble – “Yeah, I’m gonna go grab another beer now.”

Bubble Bobble were great because like Q*Bert they had that insanely wild ability to jump. But not only could these two jump they could do other sh*t like bounce on bubbles, and blow their own bubbles at will. It’s like they just chewed 19 packs of Bubblicious right then and there. In the land that BB existed, unlike the real world, sh*t just appeared out of nowhere. There were thing like candy, which somehow made your bubbles go further and faster, and shoes that made you walk quicker, and mysteriously defy gravity. I’ve never seen a video game miss a product placement opportunity like this one did…oh wait, it was the 1980’s, the Nike shoe would like identical to a brick perhaps.

3. Pit (Kid Icarus) – Thinking back to the 8-bit era and to games like Kid Icarus and it’s purely evident that you don’t need outstanding graphics and realism to have an engaging game. The cool thing about the character of Pit is that he was just a dude…a kid. He looked like a Peter Pan dressed up in an angel costume. And he had that little bow and arrow set that shot arrows (lines) about six feet in front of him and he STILL kicked ass. The only bad thing about this game was the password system. Do passwords really have to be this long and frustrating? Is that a zero or a f*ckin “O”? A two or a “Z”? I mean, make it ten characters max. Does it really have to be that f*ckin long? But the passwords were not Pit’s ideas anyway, and Pit would have shot an arrow through that bullsh*t if he had the chance. Can you believe that there was a time that you couldn’t save your game? Like the technology was so limited that it couldn’t incorporate any type of storage. It really sucked when you lost that piece of paper you wrote it on too didn’t it?

4. Billy and Jimmy Lee (Double Dragon) – I know whatcha thinkin...”Those guys had names?” Yep, but it’s not like it mattered. The game had zero depth and no real capability for speech so what the f*ck? Anyway. These two brothers were pissed. I guess that’s what happens when someone punches your girlfriend in the stomach and takes her away. Also, as they carry her away I guess as soon as they step off the right of the screen, that’s the limits of the entire planet. Because even though Billy and Jimmy are less than 100 feet away from the bad guys they still have to fight through five levels of terror. But fear not, as long as you can swing the elbow all enemies will walk into it and eventually die from the punishment. Wikipedia states that: "The series stars twin brothers, Billy and Jimmy Lee, who are followers of a fictional martial art called Sōsetsuken, as they fight against various adversaries and rivals." Yeah I guess they went with a fictional martial art because the whole art of having less skill than a second grader isn’t exactly an art they’d want to portray. Don’t forget that when you defeat this said adversary, they will blink and disappear when they die, just like in real life.

5. Rick (Splatterhouse) – I guess this game was released long before there was any need to be threatened by such things as copyright infringement. Either that or it was before licensing was an option because Rick is Jason Voorhees. Rick is a great character for all sole reason of having no character development at all. They didn’t even care, they just put a guy in a mask and gave him weapons and sh*t, and gave him a large selection of enemies to destroy with those weapons. That’s it. That’s the plot. But to give you a little back story to the plot:

The game takes place in West Mansion (nicknamed the "Splatterhouse") where a parapsychologist, Dr. West, is rumoured to have conducted bizarre experiments. Dr. West has subsequently disappeared. Two university students — the series main character, Rick Taylor, and his girlfriend Jennifer Wills — visit the house for a school project, when a sudden thunderstorm causes them to seek shelter inside the mansion.

Inside, a scuffle with unseen enemies occurs, and Rick is knocked unconscious and left for dead, while Jennifer is kidnapped. While Rick is unconscious, the "Terror Mask" (sometimes referred to as the "Hell Mask", commonly shortened to just "The Mask") attaches itself to him. Rick wakes and finds that he cannot remove the Mask, which he recognizes as an ancient Mayan sacrificial mask from West’s documents he had been studying. Discovering it gives him incredible strength, he decides to take advantage of its power and use it to rescue Jennifer.

So why the f*ck do these characters have last names…why do they have names at all!? You hit sh*t with sticks, and blow them away with shotguns. When did ancient Mayan artifacts need to come into play?

Top Seven Sins of Selling on Kijiji

2008-06-06T12:16:00.007-03:00

Kijiji, a great place to sell sh*t you don't want. A great place to buy sh*t you'll never use. It's a great place to bring like-minded people together all at no cost. But unlike Ebay you really don't have to follow rules of any sort. I don't even think you have to be a human being to post on Kijiji because truthfully, monkeys mashing bananas on a keyboard could come up with more legible sh*t than what's on there. Also, monkeys have common sense. As in, "I have feces...I must throw feces." Not, "I must sell feces on a free classified site for $100 but will take $75."

7. Reasonable Prices – OK, I realize that you have an item and that you want to sell that item. Seems reasonable to place this item on a website where a number of people will have a chance to view it, right? Well yes, but as a general rule, people are looking for what we call “deals” and sometimes “bargains”. Like you bought the thing originally didn’t you? You have an idea of what you paid for it don’t you? Well if you plan to sell that item you should post it at a price perhaps less than what you would pay for it in a retail store. I know you’re Playstation 2 comes with a bunch of games as well, and that’s where you justify the price. Yes, but it’s not five years ago; back then someone may want Gran Turismo 3 or the first f*ckin Socom game. Today they do not. This is why everyone is selling them, because here in present day, they f*ckin suck. You don't see anyone selling f*ckin Beta on here or anyone rockin a Lou Bega CD anymore do ya? They probably paid close to $20 for that disc. Would you even give someone $.20 for it right now? "I don’t care if it comes with the Discman I’m still not spending that much."

Anyone who has access to the internet and easily type in http://www.futureshop.ca/ if not easier than http://www.kijiji.ca/. Maybe they'll see a brand new one is far less than the price of a used one. But who knows, people are stupid and perhaps there is an individual looking for sh*tty games like Starsky and Hutch that are willing to pay the premium.

6. Being Truthful - Let's take a look at a recent example and indentify some problems:

"Hi i have a brand new SONY digital camera its a 7.2 mega pixels with a 2.4 lcd monitor its called cybershot i bought this on thursday from sony store i bought it for my mother for her birthday but she already has a newer camera but i was told without my receipt i can only get store credit i would much rather some of my money back i paid $399 plus tax for the camera and $44.99 for a memory card and a memory stick adaptor the adaptor is still in the plastic and the camera and memory card was only used to take these pics and one of my son if sold by tomorrow i will let it all go for $300 firm that means you would save $144.99 plus the taxes and its all only 3 days old you can contact me at xxxxxxx if you like thanks"

OK, the only positive aspect of this ad is the fact that the seller included pictures of the camera box. At least we can find out what the model of the camera is, not just a "Cybershot" like every Sony camera that has been released since like 1997. Next, it was bought for the seller's mother....unfortunatley she has a newer camera. So it was either an odd coincidence that she received a camera for her birthday when just earlier that day she had purchased a camera for herself. Maybe there's a sibling the seller doesn't know about, and that sibling bought mom a camera for her birthday. Or possibly the mom actually has the phone booth from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Rufus travelled through time and took her into the mall in 2011 to buy a f*ckin digital camera, because apparently she has a newer camera than one that is a week old. Does this person even talk to their mother?

And you're trying to tell me the Sony Store doesn't keep a record of it's sales? This isn't f*ckin Walmart. Sony will actually take your information for that warranty thing when you f*ckin buy your camera. They store this information on a computer....you bought a digital camera, aren't you familiar with computers? Let's try again:

"Hi i have a brand new SONY digital camera model number DSCS730. It's 7.2 mega pixels with a 2.4" LCD monitor. Check out the link here. I stole this on Thursday and I really want to get rid of it soon. I tried to use it but it's way to complicated. I actually took these pictures of the camera because I had no idea that Sony's official website, links, or copy/paste and "save picture as" actually existed. I will give you these prices and hope that you believe I paid this much for it. Because there's no way that you could maybe look up the actual price of the camera or anything. It's only the internet...Google is pretty limited to the amount of information on it. If you do a search for DSCS730 there's only about 90,000 matches...thanks for believing me over all these other much more legit sources of information and pricing. Call me and I can meet you in a public place for exchange."

5. Staying Current - OK, once you post something for sale, and various people inquire about your item up for auction here, you usually end up with one of those people agreeing to the terms and financial conditions and then actually purchasing it from you. Now after the bartering has been completed there is one final step you must take before the transaction is complete. That step is taking the f*ckin ad off of kijiji. For some reason, some people find it easier to do these two things: Either post an entire new post saying that this item is 'SOLD', or just continuing to leave it up there just begging to be clicked like a porno banner ad. What the f*ck is with this? Doesn't anyone realize you can delete your sh*t from this site? What happens if you accidentally put in $1,000 instead of $100. I'm sure you knew that you could edit this ad, right? If so, didn't you think possibly you could delete the f*ckin thing as well?! Maybe some people just enjoy disappointing people and get off on sending that e-mail back stating, "I'm sorry, the Nintendo Wii has been sold"...ohhhhhh that felt so good...more...MORE!!! I picture them smoking and burning cigarettes into their forearm like Lois when she stole all that sh*t on Family Guy.

4. Doing Research - You know how there's the Offering section and the Wanted section. Well if you are looking for something maybe you should, I don't know, perhaps look around on the site before you post what you want? Just a suggestion that maybe on this free classified website there could be someone actually selling that exact thing you are lookign for?

"Wanted x box 360" - What, no f*ckin way. There's only about 35 posts of selling a 360 in your area alone. How stupid are you. Is this how you shop in the real world. Like do people from the mall come to your house and offer you sh*t while you sit on the couch eating Salt & Vinegar Pringles? You have the internet right there!!! All you have to do is browse. So it was actually easier for you to just browse the entire offerings or even type "360" in the search box in the top right hand corner. So what you're sayin is that you went above and beyond to make it more difficult for everyone involved including yourself. I swear there should really be a course in grade 10 called "Common Sense 101" or "Logical Moves in Life" or something like that. And you have to pass it to continue in life. I don't care if you teach the Calculus class, you must pass this sh*t or failure is destined. And while reviewing this ad, it brings me to the next broken rule:

3. Using Spellcheck - Let's just start with the ad in itself: "i can payy cash or i hve a reg xbox games and a portabul dvd player thats brn new that i can pay cash with theem" What the f*ck is that? And really. I didn't even alter this fro homurous effects to make this any worse than it already is. That's the actually ad! This kid somehow was able to get on the internet, sign up for some sort of e-mail client, and actually post this all on his own. Amazing. What the f*ck does that even mean? What grade do you learn how to spell complex words like "pay", and "brand"? How about "them" Who the f*ck has ever spelled "them" with two f*ckin "e's"? The answer...this kid.

2. Having Negotiation Skills - I know that you want to sell your six year old loveseat for $50. That's great. You want $50 and you're hoping that someone will read this and in turn give you $50 for it, right? Well, I'm sure that if someone was at your house offering you $40 for it. And you want to get rid of this huge eyesore because you are moving in one week, then you damn well better take that $40 now before you have to throw that sh*t out. But this $40 agreement is an agreement you come to through "negotiation". What you don't want to do is to post something like this:

"Selling White wireless controller and nhl 08, still brand new in packaging(never used obviously) selling for 80.00 but will take offers. nothin lower than 75.00 thought. its a 125.00 value. "

Dude, who is going to give you $80 for this thing? You basically said you would take $75. You know those times when you go into stores in the mall and they have two price tags and you get to choose if you pay less or more. No, because it never f*ckin happens.

P.S. What's a 75.00 thought?

1. Be Relevant - You know you have this crazy mobile phone that does everything like texting, video conferencing, and cooking Delissio Pizzas. That's great, I want to know that. I had no idea my new phone could provide me with a helpful food preparation companion as well. Tell me this sh*t. I'm glad you can show me what this does. But then there are some irrelvant sh*t-type things that people list that actually sway their decision on buying this item or not. Even though it could never be proved or really doesn't really matter. You just take their word for it. This is very common with electronics with such things as:

"I copy and paste all the info...I paid over 800.00 for his camera just last year,i used it 8 times its just like new." - Oh, so you f*ckin counted did ya? You actually used this thing 8 times did ya? Like the camera has some sort of built in limit of exactly how many times it can be used. Like he's on 8 of 1276. Oh great, plenty of life left on this thing, I'll take it.

And then they continue on with this...a reference to what he copied and pasted: "Stop stopping. None of us likes to switch tapes in the middle of a shoot, or waste time rewinding and capturing. That's why the DCR-SR42 Handycam® camcorder contains a 30GB2 built-in hard disk drive (HDD) storage and allows you to capture up to 20 hours of recording time (LP) so you don't need to mess around with tapes. A brilliant 2.5"2 touch panel LCD display keeps the controls at your fingertips while a 40x optical/2000x digital zoom makes sure you catch all the detail. And when it comes time to share your memories, it couldn't be easier with the one touch disc burn capability and the Memory Stick Duo™ media slot. The DCR-SR42 puts the simplicity back into shooting and sharing your videos." - Oh really, I thought by your very deep and complex message above that you also followed up with all this sh*t. Also, I'm guessing you actually put all the registered trademarks within the body of your own written work too.

Also, I've mentioned it before, but to conclude this list, what is "like new"? Nothing is "like new". The only thing that is "like new" is f*ckin "new". How come there's no "like old" Technically if it's not new then it could be "like new", or "like old" couldn't it? Like, is there a cut off date of when something becomes "like old". It must be after the 35th use of the 1276.

In Retrospect - Looking Back on May

2008-06-02T13:54:00.002-03:00

May brings things like flowers, sunny days, less clothes and good moods. It also allows you to enjoy things like cleaning your car and driving around with the windows down, exploring a Nova Scotian countryside. Unfortunately our May hasn't topped 20 degrees, there's been a lot of rain, and gas is $1.40 a litre. and do you know what those things have to do with this blog....nothing. Here's looking back on May's comments.

At May 13, 2008, on An E-mail Exchange (Subject - NBA), John said…
"In the first two games, it was the Hornets who thought everyone how to play championship winning ball. Then in Game 3 & 4, SA Spurs were back to their usual self. I wonder how would Game 5 end?First thing is that Spurs are coming with a much better form. However they have never played in NO.I'm pretty sure you might have your own thoughts about the game. Would love to hear them from you..."

Well John, I checked out the link you sent me; your blog on Argentina. Now I know Manu is from Argentina, so you should support him. But unfortunately his gameplay is flawed. Flawed in a way that is pure San Antonio Spurs. You might say, "well how is it flawed, they've won multiple championships with their style?" Well I would agree with you except for this one reason. They are not in the playoffs anymore. Here's a quick recap of a 20 second timeout between coach Gregg Popovich, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginobli:

Popovich - OK, guys, you're doing great out there. Duncan, continue to have that sh*tty look on your face like someone just stole your Snake-Eyes GI Joe. Oh, make sure you continue to argue everycall the ref does or doesn't make. It helps if you raise your arms in frustration as you stumble up the court as well. Got it Tim?

Duncan - Got it coach, and it was Hawk, not Snake-Eyes coach.

Popovich - Tim, you were six years old, let it go already.

Duncan - OK coach.

Popovich - Tony, you're doing well out there but we need you to give a little more. You can't shoot for sh*t from outside so don't even think about it. Just keep crashing the key and falling down EVERY play. That's what we want here is for you to fall down. Hopefully we'll get a call in our favor because you're for damn.......TONY! Is that a cell phone? Wha the...give me that thing; stop texting Eva.

Parker - Sorry coach. Crash the key...fall down, I got it.

Popovich - I'm keeping this phone til after the game. You are on time out from our phone, got it?

Parker - Yes, coach.

Popovich - BTW, where do you keep your photos on this thing? Anyway, Manu...we have to talk. We're playing the Lakers here, how come you're stinking up the joint? I mean you killed the Hornets and now you can't hit layups? Just do what Parker does. Get your lanky ass in there and FALL DOWN! I'm tellin ya guys, just fall the f*ck over like you just forgot how to stand up. Get your ass on the floor, STAT!

Ginobli - Sorry coach, I wasn't sure of my role here. Parker crashes the key and takes the flops, and you got Brent Barry out there taking all my shots. I'm just feeling a little left out.
Popovich - Look, I know we have limited play capabilities and we are the most boring team in the league. I'm sorry you feel that way Manu. You are a key part of our stategy though...you all are. I'm telling you guys, we have to continue to argue calls, fall over, and look pissed. Duncan's the leader, look at him....look at the look on his face right now and feel the loss of....Duncan, it was a GI Joe figurine...it's over. You are a multi-millionaire, you could buy GI Joe and change it to GI Tim, I fail to see the problem.

Duncan - Coach for the last time, Hawk is an "action-figure".

Popovich - I worry about you Tim....go Spurs!

At May 20, 2008, on Four Random Rants, Josh said…
"I got the pleasure of using a magic bullet a few months ago. You know when you are using a blender and what ever you are blending is too thick? and it creates this vortex below what you are trying to blend and the blades spin but nothing gets blended? Yeah, that doesn't happen with a magic bullet. It's insane. my question is WTF is with the horrible character actress with the glasses and the smokes. that's all I want is someone smoking in my food. Here just butt out in my fresh salsa..."

The Magic Bullet product and the marketing behind it may be much more than we think. Josh, you personally like the product and I respect you for coming out like that. It's not something a lot of people would have the courage to do. But I hate the product, not because I've used it and think it's garbage, but only becuase the commercial drives me bananas. Now they obviously know that when they were putting this commercial together that it was going to be bad...so bad that people remember this commercial, and since it it spoken and displayed 9,435 times during the infomercial, remember the Magic Bullet itself. It's pure genius. When something is so bad, it stays in your head. I guess this is the same marketing technique that Soulja Boy is taking. YAAA TRICK YAAAAA!

At May 28, 2008, on Why Do Stores Lock Their Doors?, Alan said…
"To find a silver lining to this little rant of yours.... it was fanny as hell to see you bounce off that door even if you almost took me down with you when you suddenly bounced back in my direction.....priceless! On a side note, when I worked at Subway in Superstore Mall we had to put stickers on the mall entrance window after three really old dudes did facers right into the glass and landed on their asses..... the fact that they were really old should have made this sad and upsetting.... but had the opposite effect and made me piss my pants laughing...... yeah.... Im goin to hell."

Well I didn't exactly bounce off the door, but I did have the impression that it would be often like the door beside it, so I did give it a good push only to be insulted by that damn door. And in regards to glass walls, they should not even do this ever. What are they thinking? I once put my head directly through a window at my buddy Rob's house. He had it open, I went to take a piss, I came back and he had closed the window. It was funny because it was so stupid.

An E-mail Exchange (Subject - NBA) Part 2

2008-05-28T12:09:00.013-03:00

Lakers vs Spurs, a rivalry that's been going for a couple years. This is pretty much the NBA Finlas. Even though the Celtics haev the best record in the league I can't exactly see them beating the Pistons, and they cannot beat the Spurs. But last night the Lakers took a 3-1 lead in the series and tomorrow night game 5 is in LA. That will be crazyness. Here's what we had to say about last night's game including the controversial no-call during Brent Barry's last second three-point attempt.

Jay - Man, oh man, what a crazy game. Fisher totally got away with one there. If the ref calls that foul, Barry goes to the line (where he is automatic) and the Spurs somehow win the game. Instead the Lakers win the game and most likely the championship. In the Lakers defense, the Spurs were getting all the calls throughout the game. What were the stats again – something like the Spurs went to the line 26 times and the Lakers 13 or so.

Did you hear Phil Jackson’s interview after the 1st quarter? When they asked him how the Spurs were able to come back from being down over 10 points, and Phil said the refs. That guy is classic. He was some pissed when Duncan got away with that 4 step travel.

Tom - Man that was such a foul. But to Fisher's defence, you have to try to block that guy, he hits it from anywhere. Man Phil Jackson was pissed. He looked like, "I can't believe you just asked me that." He could be borderline getting a fine for that. It's not his fault, people shouldn't ask stupid ass questions. Kinda like Kobe at the end of the game, "No foul, no foul". He had that look like he was on trial again.

Yeah you're right though, in the Lakers defense they were getting no calls.

Jay - Tom, you should have seen me watching that game. I could hardly take it. I felt like punching Barry in the face. He was on fire. I suppose it’s easy when nobody is guarding you. Can’t blame the Lakers though, before this series I had no idea he even played for the Spurs. After the 1st three, the Lakers were probably looking around at each other going “who the fu%k was that?” I’ve hated that guy every since he made a mockery out of the slam dunk contest. Not only were the Lakers getting no calls, but most of the team was in foul trouble by the end of it. Odom couldn’t sneeze without getting hit with a foul. Man Bryant made some stupid shots at the end of the game. If they would have lost that game, it would have been his fault for not running down the clock. Of course without Bryant the Lakers wouldn’t have won 25 games.

Tom - Yeah like, "Brent Barry? What Barry is that?" They probably had to bring up NBA.com on the sidelines and look up his profile, "Ohhhhhh, that Brent Barry. Yeah we better guard him, three's are coming in quicker than the Deep Impact asteroid. Where's Fisher?" Yeah, Kobe's drive to the hoop with like ten seconds left was stupid. Only stupid because he missed. But if you were Kobe Bryant and you had the ball, you pretty much never thought you could miss. After all, you can do everything else. It would be like the Stig suddenly forgetting which way was the right way around the Top Gear test track. It just can't happen right...right? Well Kobe almost blew a game so I guess it could be possible. But for every mistake Kobe makes there is 25 highlights. We can't all be perfect.

Jay - It would be like the Stig taking a Camry around the track and losing control of it.

Thing is about Kobe, if they were behind and the Lakers needed that point, he would have made it. I can’t believe Kobe pulled out the reverse dunk in a game that important.

Did you ever notice that EVERY year there is an old washed up guy that catches fire in a critical game?? Two years ago it was Tim Thomas, the next year it was Michael Finley, this year Brent Barry. It’s because everyone on the opposing team forget about them. They don’t forget about them on the court, they forget about their existence. I predict Keith Van Horn lights it up next year. Quote of the Night - "That's not going to get called in the Western Conference finals. Maybe in the regular season. But that call shouldn't be called in the Western Conference finals."

-- Spurs guard Brent Barry who was bumped by Derek Fisher on his last-second 3-point attempt.

Why Do Stores Lock Their Doors?

2008-05-27T13:13:00.006-03:00

So I journey to Starbucks today to get a tasty Ethiopian Mix and noticed something that triggered a realization. While I was leaving the store I pushed the door on the right side. After all, people travel on the right don’t they? We treat walking just like driving….on the right side. This is why you are always avoiding little kids at the mall when they appear to be walking directly in your path. It’s because they have never driven and they do not yet have that consciousness to keep the f*ck to the right.

Anyway, back to the meaning of this post. So I’m walking out the door on the right side and almost spill my coffee all over me. This happened for two reasons. First, because Starbuck’s lids are terrible. They actually enhance the spillage. It’s like Dante's Peak in my Ethiopian Dark Roast. And secondly, because the damn door was locked. There are two doors to get in this establishment and one was locked. Now this got me thinking about all the places that do this. Why do stores keep one door locked? Is this too much effort for the people that open the store to unlock the other f*ckin door? Do they not want people entering AND leaving at the same time? Would this be too efficient for the general public? They would rather see us struggle with two mini volcanoes in our hand while we edge our way past people in a 36” gap then have a nice little path for both of us? I just don’t see the relevance of any store doing this.

Imagine if like Future Shop did it and they only had one sliding door that functioned? It would be hilarious for people working there seeing how many people would almost face plant their sh*t into this door. I always get the feeling that I’m not suppose to be in there at that point. Like they either just opened or are close to shutting down for the night. Even though at 2pm on a Wednesday they are damn well open I still feel cheated by my locked door experience. Kinda like when you go to the McDonald’s Drive-Thru at 4am. Even though it says, “Open 24 Hrs” they still f*ckin hate your guts. They’re thinking, “Yeah, we’re open but what the f*ck are you dong here? Here’s your three $1.29 cheeseburgers there fatty-fat-fat." That's why they only keep the drive-thru open and not the whole "restaurant". They know you can't get your fat ass throuhg the drive-thru window. I'm surprised they don't open the drive-thru window just a bit. Just enough to get your Happy Meal through.

So what’s the story here? Do the doors break easily or something? Are people drop kicking those things resulting in a permanent lock status? Is too much outside air getting in at one time? There’s got to be some sort of explanation to this madness.

The Special Collector's Limited Anniversary Edition

2008-05-21T14:21:00.005-03:00

You know one thing I really dislike…re-releases of DVDs. I know why companies do this; I mean really, they already have a digital copy of the movie, why not press it again with fancy packaging, and sell it again to the stupid ass public? Like do people actually get rid of one version and get the new one because it has a “remastered” version of the film? It’s a f*ckin DVD…it’s a digital copy. Tell me the differences between the two on your 40" TV.....oh I can see some dirt on that guy's jacket...oh cool. Now show me someone else who gives a sh*t. I’m sure your new copy of Office Space is really going to make a huge difference in your enjoyment.

But sometimes they have new features that have “never before been seen” Yeah, there’s reasons why these have never been seen, and there’s a reason why they were never included on the original release is because they suck incredibly bad. I don’t think I want to see outtakes of Keanu Reeves eating a hotdog on the set of Point Break thanks.

Do you really know what I’d like to see? Do you want to know what I would pay money to see? I’d like to see Russell Crowe losing his shit on the set of A Good Year. Like him doing a scene and all of a sudden he just starts throwing dishes around like, “What the f*ck am I doing in the movie Ridley? We did Gladiator together and you got me doing this horsesh*t. What the f*ck happened man? Where's the medieval weaponry” Or how about Mel Gibson when he started getting all racial. I’d love to see him on the set of Apocalypto and during a take a interviewer asks him about Jews….where’s that footage? Or how about a before and after of Tom Cruise. Like a Tom Cruise interview circa Days of Thunder to a Tom Cruise interview circa Lions for Lambs. At least we could see the evolution of crazy. Let’s get something a little more exciting then featurettes that no one will watch, or a commentary by the janitor on set. It’s going to take a lot more than a steel canister to get me to buy the first season of 24 again.

There's a new addition of Blade Runner out. What could they have possible found that they didn’t include before? Where was this footage? Or if it’s a new digital transfer, why didn’t they just do that in the first place?

It's only due time before they start releasing special editions and metallic cases for Blu-ray titles. How long do you think?

Four Random Rants

2008-05-19T19:19:00.002-03:00

Sometimes I don't even have a purpose for posting. Sometimes I don't have enough content to fill a Word document. So sometimes I just want to rant about any random sh*t that bothers me. Sometimes they don't even bother me, they're just generally stupid. So with that, here's four of 'em.

1. New Hip-Hop/R&B Collaborations – You know those times when they start a song and there’s that voiceover stating “I don’t think they’re ready for this”? Yeah, well ya know something, we aren’t ready for this. And if you weren’t sure if we were indeed ready for this, why didn’t you ask? Get a focus group together, put it on MySpace, ask the precogs from Minority Report, do something. If you would have done so, you would now realize that no we are not ready for another generic, mediocre collaboration with Akon, or Chris Brown. There’s only so much of this sh*t we can take and that amount was zero…we have long passed zero. How come there just isn’t any music that actually is um….original?

2. The Magic Bullet Infomercial – Either this product has a $90 million advertising budget or they are selling a lot of these f*ckin things. Doesn’t anyone realize that this is just a blender….that’s it? It’s a f*ckin blender. This is a great product if you plan to liquify every meal you consume for the rest of your life. Who blends this much sh*t? You see the part in the commercial where they are adding all these ingredients to make alfredo sauce? I guess this of course in case you don’t want to spend $2.99 on a bottle of the sh*t at the Superstore. BTW, what the f*ck is a “strawbreee”? STRAW-BERRY…BEAR-E. And doesn’t this couple just seem a little too excited for these blending contraptions. It’s a blending f*ckin extravaganza here at this couples home. If I ever go to someone’s home and they whip out a magic bullet to make virgin margaritas they automatically get kicked in the neck. Actually to further that, if they own any product that they ordered from an infomercial you automatically get to leave and delete them from your Facebook friend’s list, how about that?

3. Explosive Devices in Movies – I love how terrorists always label their explosives. This makes is easy for the protagonist to find such explosives, identify what type of explosive it is, and know exactly how much time they have to dismantle said explosive. Like for example, when you buy C4 in the explosive boutique or wherever terrorists get it, is it always written in plain English on the side of this sh*t, “C4 Explosive”? So this isn’t the packaging that it comes in? You can’t just take it out and have the actual C4…it has to stay in the package for it to detonate? It’s kinda like Jenga. I remember getting Jenga when I was a kid and it had a big “JENGA” written on the package. Then you took it out and it had the f*ckin word Jenga on every damn block. What’s this for? In case you misplaced a block and found it in a drawer by itself, you couldn’t actually figure out that this is a f*ckin Jenga block? Maybe it was for copyright protection. Like if someone tried to use a Jenga block in another situation, like I don’t know, maybe…NOTHING, they could prove it because of its logo? Anyway, can can anyone also tell me why bombs always have digital timers that look like they've been taken straight out of a clock radio from 1989? If they absolutely need a timer, why not just turn it around the other way at least. Make the hero work for this information. Even as a viewer, we want that suspense. Bombs are always funner when you know it could just end the adventure at any second. Remember when that nuclear bomb went off in episode 4, season 6, of 24. Jaws dropped....and the rest of the season pretty much sucked.

4. Horse Racing – Why is this even a televised event? The only time you should see horsie on TV is if they have knights on their backs. But watching horses go around a f*ckin oval track is just the definition of not-f*ckin-exciting. I can see if you are physically at the track and you had some hard earned or stolen money on the race, you would want a good view of your trusty, racing steed. But no one at home is betting money on these horsies. You can’t just lay down your bet and watch the rest at home on your couch eating Ritz Chips…you have to keep your ass there and throw your stubs or papers, or whatever the hell they give you when you bet. You have to rip them up and throw them in the air just like in the movies. You ever see all those numbers and sh*t they put up the side of the screen? What the f*ck are those. The only way you know it’s not the stock market info in the fact that they have a horsie with a tiny man in the middle of the screen.

Commercially Critiqued - Kia Fest

2008-05-14T01:00:00.002-03:00

Kia Fest – OK, let me critique this commercial. I really don’t even know where it’s available in the world, but I’m sitting here watching the Pistons/Magic game and I’ve witnessed it three times within a 15 minute span.

This is one of those commercials that I can’t help but wonder how exactly this idea came to be realized. I mean, I’m sure Kia has some sort of advertising and marketing department within their headquarters. I’m almost certain they have millions of dollars to work with and have a very capable team of people that correlate and come up with what is brought to the public. (BTW, the Vice-President of Kia Marketing's name is Ian Beavis...I swear to f*ck, I am not making this up.)

So how did this horrible piece of commercial content come to the screen? I mean, I see the reference, it’s been done before. But do they have to do it again? And since we already know that answer, do they have to use a man in the commercial? Is that why this is supposed to be original…because they have a man taking the female role now? That’s great, but I don’t really see how a male pelvic trust will help Kia sell an Optima. Especially since the thrust was targeted to a male customer. What kind of sh*t were they trying to pull here? And the receptionist pouring the bucket of water on this very ecstatic car salesmen just crossed the line. The only thing I think of now is how gay Kia is. Isn’t that the intention they were trying to pull off? Kia is now a gay automobile. Not the company is general, just its 2008 model year.

Here is the extended version for your viewing pleasure.

An E-mail Exchange (Subject - NBA)

2008-05-13T01:00:00.001-03:00

An e-mail conversation between myself and Jay that originated about the May 11th game between the New Orleans Hornets and the San Antonio Spurs:

From: xxxxxx, Tom [mailto:xxxxx@xxxx.com] Sent: Monday, May 12, 2008 9:10 AMTo: Jay xxxxxx Subject: RE: have you seen

Like its almost a definite that the Hornets and the Lakers will win the series....that's of course until I actually think that. Now they are tied at two. Really if the Grizzlies were my favorite team everything should be fine. I should actually hate Chris Paul and hate the Lakers in general. Then they technically should be unstoppable.

Hate Utah, hate Spurs. At least Utah is tolerable now without Malone. And Boozer is kinda good. Man the Spurs shot the lights out last night. Its amazing how important homecourt is. They should change the rules and have like if you reach 60 wins you get permanent homecourt. No questions.

From: Jay xxxxxxx [mailto:xxxxx@xxxx.com] Sent: Monday, May 12, 2008 9:15 AMTo: xxxxxx, Tom Subject: RE: have you seen

I hope Kobe’s back is ok. Imagine if he couldn’t play. It would be like the equivalent of leading the Indy 500 during the final lap and then all of a sudden your engine blows and you have to complete the rest of the track with a unicycle.

Boozer name is the best, but I’ll never forgive him for screwing over Cleveland. Home court is everything. It’s really the only purpose for playing the regular season. I like your idea, but I think that instead of 60 points, players and teams should get Kudos for doing spectacular things during the season. These Kudos can be redeemed during the playoffs for all kinds of cool s*hit, like home court advance, hotter cheerleaders, Yeti mascots, or other lucrative spoils. For example, when Kobe scored 81 points on the Raptors, he should have had the option to have his face on the Loonie, OR everyone in the league would have to call him Jesus for the rest the season (complete with Nazareth printed on the back, and instead of a number it would just be a cross). Or when Derek Fisher made his miracle shot against the Spurs he would have had a choice to either never play the Spurs for the rest of his career, or have two cracks at every buzzer beater for the rest of the season. It would be completely up to him. All-star weekend would earn you bonus Kudos. Sticker dunks, fun dance-offs, and slot machines shoes could be cashed in for Vegas trips with Charles Barkley, guest appearances on The Wire, or a chance to be in the next Jay Z video. The possibilities are endless.

Top Eight Things That Lazy People Like

2008-05-12T01:00:00.000-03:00

8. Escalators – I was going to include elevators as well but elevators serve a purpose of getting from one floor to another floor far away, within a short period of time. Escalators on the other hand only get you to the floor closest to you. Lazy people do not like to defy gravity in any way. That includes lifting the leg up any further than it has to to proceed forward in the walking motion. So knowing that this activity could cause the extinction of lazy people everywhere, or at least put them on the endangered species list, the escalator began to be installed in various locations in order to preserve lazy people in their natural habitat. Lazy people even like to take escalators down to a floor even if they show no physical impairment at all. This process will make sure that no muscle will be gained and the use of your legs for what they are attached to you for goes unnoticed and perhaps eventually evolution will just take them away from the human race all together.

7. Treadmills – Now I know whatcha thinkin’; treadmills are for active people. But you are wrong in that assumption. Even though treadmills are usually found in gyms surrounded by free weights and machines and stuff, the treadmill is actually a strategicly placed trap to include lazy people in a place of fitness. This way lazy people now think they have become active people. But studies have shown that they actually do not utilize these devices to their full capacity. Knowing that “running” is a no-no to lazy people manufacturers include a “walking” setting on these devices. This assures that lazy people feel active and included in the active lifestyle. Walking in one place is by far better than walking for the actual purpose of walking…that is to arrive at an actual destination. Also, as added proof, lazy people often have these in their basements. Even though the owers may claim to use them, they indeed go unused and alone in uselessness.

6. Universal Remotes – What’s better than not ever having to leave your chair to control your television? How about not having to leave your chair to control your television, DVD player, stereo system, garage door, air conditioning, BETAMax and dim your lights? Today’s universal remotes can do all of that and more. With so many things that require human intervention, why have separate devices to control every one of them? You might as well pick up a 43-in-1 remote that will take care of your lazy lifestyle forever. Also, make sure that remote you buy is the most complicated piece of machinery ever. It’s almost a science to get this thing working. Kinda like the process of blowing in a Nintendo cartridge before you get it to work. The difference between these two things though is that everyone knows how to get Tecmo Bowl to work; no one will ever figure out how to use your specific remote. So God forbid something ever happens to you; no one will ever be able to find you because you’ll have you’re your lights turn on at 9pm every night and your TV pop on to TMZ every second evening. “I haven’t heard from Jimmy in about a week. Ah, his TV is on though, he’s cool.”

5. Squeezable Condiments – This started with the Heinz ketchup bottle. Everyone probably remembers the commercials of the kids and senior citizens waiting for the ketchup to come out of the bottle. Well after some time people began to realize that this isn’t exactly a positive aspect of ketchup in a bottle. Who the f*ck wants to wait to enjoy their tasty ketchup? People demanded a method of getting their ketchup in a timely manner. Too many arms were getting tired, and too many hamburgers were left empty and lost without their ketchup friend. The birth of a bottle that you physical threaten if it didn’t give you your ketchup was born. As the world rejoiced at this innovation, other condiments took note. Cheese, mayonnaise, mustard, and even cream cheese jumped on the squeezy-bandwagon and made life easier for everyone who has never lifted their arm above shoulder level. Pyhsical activity take a plunge. Being fit does not quite agree with the squezzable bottle.

4. Credit Cards - Remember when all those big purchases used to go on credit cards. Having a credit card allowed you to think ahead and live outside your means or budget. But now that realization is everywhere. Lazy people love using credit cards for everything. Some corporations realized this trend that lazy people were taking and included it in their everyday business. Tim Horton’s now takes Mastercard. So lazy people can continue to get their Iced Cappuccino’s and their Chocolate Glazed Donuts without even having cash. McDonald’s is the same. Big Macs? Quarter Pounder’s? How many you want? No problem. And if it’s under a certain total amount, you don’t even have to sign. So they realized that this credit card thing is a great idea. Not only do they have the lazy-people market almost locked up, there were still a number of them that were not too keen on the ides of handing over money in exchange for meals. They also realized that this whole action of “signing” a piece of paper was not only time consuming, but also very exhausting for lazy people. So why don’t we just avoid that signing activity altogether. If we give off the impression that eating here is a lot of work, I think we’re going to lose some business. Let’s just hope that the card they are using is actually their own. We want to make this number 5 meal as easy as possible.

3. Blue Tooth Headsets – Since Zack Morris left us in awe and jealousy with his Motorola DynaTAC, cell phones have become the most desired piece of personal electronics. Fast forward 20 years and 10 year old kids have Lil Scrappy ringtones on their Razrs now. But like the ketchup bottle problem, people were getting tired of actually raising their arm up to where their ear is located. To lazy people this had become too tedious, time-consuming, and just plain hard. So there had to be a way to talk on your phone without having to do the phone actions that we have come to realize in this modern day. Introducing the Bluetooth Headset, a device that serves two purposes: To make communicating more convenient, and to brand you of indeed being a douchebag. (What are females that use Bluetooth Headsets called? Someone please let me know what a female douchebag is..not the actual douchebag, I know what that is.) Now lazy people are now able to carry on in their lazy actions by combining activites that were at one time limited to one step at a time. Now you can talk on your phone, AND eat a hamburger. Or you can even throw in the third action of smoking a cigarette as well. This of course is only applicable if you have mastered the technique of eating a hamburger with one hand and is only recommended for McDonald’s cheeseburgers. It’s guaranteed that nothing is going to fall out of those pathetic f*ckin things. But there’s always the chance that a McDonald’s employee went nuts on the squezzable ketchup and now you have ketchup in your lap. We need something that automatically catches these unsightly ketchup drips. Maybe an automatic napkin that pops out of your steering column or something, I don’t know.

2. Text Messaging – We’ve defeated the art of raising the phone to the ear. It was an issue lazy people had gathered together to discuss, assembled focus groups to learn more about the problem, and as a result, the Bluetooth Headset was realized. But what if you have a phone and you really don’t feel like actually talking to anyone. There’s got to be a way we can communicate with people without actually opening our mouths. Getting the brain to arrange, choose words, and assemble them into some sort of understandable format is indeed a lot of work. Welcome text messaging. Even though you may think using your thumb to type out 300 letters is more work than dialing seven numbers; it is indeed not. Lazy people love the fact that they can convey a message without actually verbally communicating it. The dream of telepathy is almost realized with text messaging. It’s also the easiest way to communicate with people you don’t exactly enjoy talking to or being around…kinda like Facebook.

1. Drive-Thrus – Not only can you Biggie-size your Baconator for like $.14 you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your 1991 Grand Am to get it. See, lazy people are always in the search for the next best thing that will complement their lazy lifestyle. And if you think about it, the whole fast-food/drive-thru relation is perfect. No one feels bad about using the drive-thru because chances are there are already some lazy-people staples already in the car. Some examples include cell phones, cigarettes, and US Weekly Magazines. As you can see, these things are inconvenient to gather and bring into the store with you. Some like cigarettes are not even allowed in the store. The drive-thru is the number one thing that lazy people like.

In Retrospect - Looking back on April

2008-05-06T22:03:00.004-03:00

I’ve been slack. I have to admit it. I had a lot of great plans for the month of April and never really sat down to put them down. I left on my fantastic vacation in Mexico on April 12^th and ever since then I’ve been totally swamped. Sometimes I think that taking a week off work is great and that when I come back I can just pick up from there. Sometimes that isn’t necessarily the case. Sometimes you have to make up for a week of work that you miss and go through hundreds of e-mails. That was this case. For the past two weeks I’ve been playing catch up at my day job on missed e-mails and phone messages, past issues which I thought had been taken care of, and mass confusion between customers. A lot of boring stuff that isn’t that interesting.

So with that, April was a complete write-off. I can’t believe it’s gone already. I’ve been meaning to get back on the blog full-time but I just haven’t had the time to put the effort into it that I want to. So hopefully, with the summer approaching, and the workload getting a tad bit lighter, May and on will be some great months. And with that, let’s take a look back on April.

At April 08, 2008, on Top Gear North America Alan said…

Tom as you know you introduced me to Top Gear..... and you know that my whole family is British.... you also know that I love cars and have harsh opinions on Americans.... my question is: why the hell do they feel the need to always make an American version of a show.... we speak the same damn language don't we.... so just have the show picked up on American channels.... makes sense to me!!

If this show is made "American" will taint the Top Gear name....

The funny thing is they probably already knew it was going to taint the name so they are just going to call it “Gear”. This is stupid anyway, because the whole name “Gear” could mean anything from combustion engines to sex toys. Secondly, there is a reason USA and the UK are different. There are things you can get away with in both places that just don’t cross the seas. Porting one of the most successful British shows ever into a market that has mostly sh*tty cars and American humor will just not work in this platform. Fortunately, I haven’t run into ay more info lately on the progress of the show so maybe they canned it altogether. And speaking of canned, what happened to the new Knight Rider series…did it not even get through the pilot episode? Come on, a Shelby GT500 KITT..that could work.

At April 22, 2008, on Top Five Worst Reality Shows DanWilson said…

I liked the first season of Survivor, the first season of Big Brother, Bootcamp was pretty cool... I wished they would have made another one, but the one that was my favorite was The Mole with Anderson Cooper. At this point the only reality show i can stomach is Survivorman.

If I was put a list on here of all the reality shows aired in Canada it would probably amaze you. There’s got to be hundreds of them that we’ve gotten. This list alone gives you an idea. How many of them have you seen or heard of? Look how many have surfaced this decade. It’s officially the dumbing down of society as a whole. Nol one wants to think about what they watch anymore. Effort is so 1998. People just want to see other people in peril, or emotionally destroyed. It just seems to make people feel better about themselves. There were some great ideas that got through. But unfortunately the innovation has all but diminished. And to add, the Mole was great. It had Anderson Cooper as the host. Who’d more convincing that Anderson Cooper. I mean, everytime you see an Israeli backdrop behind him you just want to listen.

Lost returns every Thursday night at 10pm…or at midnight on Mininova…whichever you choose. Two more episodes since the hiatus and it looks like Lost hasn’t taken a turn for the worse. The show is still going full tilt with surprises and twists. Maybe the writer’s strike was a good thing…no?

Grand Theft Auto IV is released and the gaming world is in awe. I’ve never been a fan of the Grnad Theft Auto series, but it’s first release on the new gaming platforms could persuade me to try this again. That, and the perfect 10 ratings it received over the board. I know it’s good, and I know I’d probably love it, but I just don’t have time to be submersed in a new video game at the moment. I should actually be blogging shouldn’t I? Im sure I’ll get it at some point..but I said the same thing about Bioshock and that never happened.

Top Five Worst Reality Shows

2008-04-21T18:58:00.000-03:00

Since the dawn of Survivor, reality TV shows have grown to a point of over exposure. They are indeed the most viewed type of television programming on today. Now there are some great ideas regardless if they have run their course a little too long, but with every one great idea there are five or so very bad ones. Some don’t get past a couple episodes, but some continue their longevity for years. Now there are certain shows that are not only bad but they are almost guaranteed to make you more stupid. Let’s take a look at the Top Five Worst Reality Shows.

5. Britney and Kevin: Chaotic – OK, this was back when Britney had a career and Federline was a douchebag of epic proportions. Present day, Britney is crazy and Federline is portrayed as the actual sane one. But really, it’s Britney Spears; do we actually need a reality show that portrays her personal life? Don’t we see that every f*ckin week. Haven’t we been trough enough? Even today, people can’t seem to get enough of her. There’s no way she agreed to do this show, it had to be Kevin pushing her to do it. US Weekly apparently has its own reality show.

4. Flavor of Love – Public Enemy, a pioneer in the rap game, a group that paved the way for many others after them. One of the first rap groups to bring politics into their lyrics. Fast forward to 2006, Flavor Flav, one half of the duo, now 20 years older on a VH-1 Reality TV Show. It went something like this.

Location: Board room at VH-1 headquarters, last week of March, end of quarter.

Employee 1 – So I think we need something that’s going to really set us apart from the others. We need a bachelor type show, people seem to love that sh*t. But what can be different about ours? Anyone have any ideas?

Employee 2 – Well what if we just use an all African-American base…how about that?

Employee 1 – Nah, I don’t think that’s going to work so well. The bachelor with African Americans just won’t be enough…we need that one thing that’s really going to make people tune in.

Employee 2 – F*ck it, how about we find the trashiest women we can find ever and have them fight for this guy. There will be some crazy fights and arguments, people eat that sh*t up, our ratings will be higher than ever.

Employee 1 – But why does this guy want to pick a trashy girl? If we did that, we would have to have some crazy dude who’s going to put up with that sh*t.

Employee 2 – Well, rappers can be crazy at times. DMX got arrested the other day, and I think Ja Rule through a guy through a plate glass window. Hell, even Vanilla Ice went nuts on that TV show. What rappers aren’t doing sh*t right now? Also, who is just plain crazy?

Employee 1 – How about Flavor Flav?

Employee 2 – Flavor Flav? Where did you come up with that idea?

Employee 1 – Well I thought that a forgotten rapper who doesn’t even rap, that wears a clock around his neck, and is about 45 years old will work out perfectly.

Employee 2 – Really, that’s kinda odd you thought of Flavor Flav.

Employee 1 – Yeah, that and he lives in my building in apartment 2B. I can just go knock on his door.

3. Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire – The sub-title of this show should be, “And Who the F*ck Cares?” because this show was an insult to human existence. Who green lit this wreck of a show anyway…..oh it was Fox. Sorry about that. Thank you Wikipedia. What a stupid-ass show. Yet another show that puts desperate women competing for a chance to be with some chump. Doesn’t this seem to be one of the lowlights of human entertainment. Does this even count as a reality TV show? I mean it had one episode. Isn’t that a TV movie? Anyone who enjoyed this sh*t should be ashamed.

2. The Bachelor – This show is at least good due to the fact it usually has a couple good looking chicks. But the end results are all the same. I’m sorry, but trying to form a lasting relationship with somebody you met two weeks ago is just not going to work. What do you think the bachelor is thinking after the show has ended, and his relationship didn’t work out with the one he chose? He’s probably like, “F*ck, why did I pick this girl, she’s such a f*ckin airhead. So may hotties and I end up with this dipsh*t.” Especially when it comes to the last episode and he has to choose between the two final contestants. Ya know that’s a tough decision. And none of them work out, so he’s probably secretly looking up the other chicks from the show on Facebook and giving them pokes and stuff. You know that’s happening. The guy isn’t there to find true love, he’s there to have like 25 women do anything they can to have him, and get his ass on TV. That’s it. They should just have the guy looking directly into the camera and be like, “Yeah, bitches, you wish you were me.”

1. Temptation Island – OK, this reality show is just good because it’s so bad. It’s bad in a way that they shouldn’t be legally allowed to put people in those situations. This show was infamous for f*ckin up relationships. You can’t put good looking couples on an island resort filled with horny examples of the opposite sex……oh, then throw in a bunch of alcohol. Yeah, relationships won’t get smashed to hell here. Oh and just in case you missed what your girlfriend was doing on the other side of the island she was skinny dipping in the ocean with 10 single alpha males. Oh you did miss it, well here’s a video tape showing you the proof. How you like that sh*t? I’m surprised people didn’t get lost in the ocean and murdered because they purposely tried to elevate people’s emotions to a point of rage no one has ever seen. Good thing Bruce Banner wasn’t on that show.

This is only five of the probably hundreds of shows that have surfaced and mostly disappeared. Some are so bad that you are just in awe at the atrocity that you are witnessing. The ones that you end up feeling like you lost intelligence over a half hour period. What reality shows are your all time most hated? What ones were you most wrapped up in? Everyone has a couple guilty pleasures when it comes to reality TV. Well now’s your chance to share those secrets, anonymously on Bringing it to the Table. Let’s here your comments.

Lost: Explained?

2008-04-04T13:28:00.001-03:00

Like half the population I am hooked on the TV series Lost. Even though it had some really slow and boring episodes in Season 3, it seems like the hiatus has resurrected the producers need to produce a more engaging season. But anyway, the show is good this season. Presently we are seeing the results of the writer’s strike that lasted three months, and with that, a break of a month from any new shows. Near the end of April we will see the return of Lost; the first shows post-strike. Let’s hope that the strike did not affect anything creatively, and that this already great season continues on its high merit.

Now over the course of the four seasons, the mysteries have continued to surface, and the questions continue to be asked. What is the purpose of this entire show? What is the resolution going to be in the end? Is it going to be enough to satisfy people that have followed it for its entire duration, spending an hour a week watching it, spending money on the DVD seasons, tuning in online to check out the hype? Will it end up being an ambiguous, Soprano-type, wtf finale? It’s impossible to know until that time comes.

Since its beginning people have had their own theories about the show. Even between seasons, the internet has provided us with even more questions by creating the Hanso Foundation. It’s a never ending cycle that has provided question, after rumor, after theory that makes us wonder how far off track are we. How exaggerated have these theories become? Is there really a much simpler explanation to everything? Here is a great link to one of the most in-depth explanations to a majority, if not all of the events that occur on and off the island. This is the most convincing theory you will ever read on the show. So much so, that you may be convinced that this has to be the definite explanantion of the mystery of Lost. It’s a great read. Be warned though, I wouldn’t read it unless you are caught up on all episodes so far to date. You'll really want to know what all of this content is referring to. Also, if you want the mystery to continue for your own pleasure you may want to not even consider the content in the link....it's very convincing.

Lost: A theory on Time Travel

Top Gear North America (Part 2)

2008-04-02T10:48:00.000-03:00

Back in January, after the announcement of a North American version of the BBC show Top Gear, I made a post tackling the important questions of the show including the idea of Jay Leno being a host. Since then, Leno has come up in conversation as a possible host, and yesterday he spoke about the rumors and has two cents on the idea of not only his hosting by the whole idea of this North American “Gear”.

“Like everyone in Britain I have long been a huge fan of the television show Top Gear, although we get it only sporadically here in America. You can find it on BBC America and occasionally it pops up at odd times on other cable channels. There have been rumors circulating that the show would eventually come to America. I hoped it would come with Jeremy Clarkson and the gang, but NBC seems to have bought the show and I got a call one day asking if I would be interested in being a part of it.

I do my show full time, and these programmes take a great amount of time to make, so right away I had my concerns about fitting it in. The general rule of television is that it takes an hour for every minute that you see on screen. My other fear is that the show will not be made by car people.

So someone calls me from the network and is clearly not a car person. He says: “You like cars, right?” I say yes. “Like, all kinds of cars?” Well, yes. I like all kinds of cars. Why? “Well, the network has bought the TV show . . . um . . . High Gear? Top Gear? Top Gear! Top Gear, yes. We know you like to build cars.

I ask: what’s the plan for the show? “Well, like, one week you build a car that flies and the next week you make a car that goes under water.” So I said: you know you can’t build these things in a week.

In my mind I can just see Jeremy lambasting Americans for what they did to his show. So I think: I’ve got to run away from this as quickly as I can. So I tell him that, as much as I like the show, I try not to make my hobby my job.

I like the show just the way it is. Jeremy and the guys are extremely talented, so maybe it would be an idea to do an American show similar to Top Gear but not with the same name, because I think it would be impossible to recreate or live up to the standards of the British show.

Another problem for Top Gear in America is the biting humor and criticisms of the cars. My great fear in America is that, for instance, if Kia was our sponsor this week, we’d have to say the car was fantastic.

I said on The Tonight Show recently that the new Kia was available with a heated rear window, so if people needed to push it in winter they could keep their hands warm. Boy, the phones did not stop ringing. So imagine what Jeremy would have to put up with.

I don’t think you could be quite as freewheeling with your opinions as you can on the BBC, because sponsors pay for the programmes. Sponsors would be unlikely to embrace any criticism.

Americans don’t really see personalities like Jeremy on commercial television. They know that they have to be somewhat watered down. When Jeremy rips into some sponsor such as Ford or Chrysler, well, that’s the last time they sponsor that show. Then what you have is “the meeting” after the show, where they tell him to tone it down. That’s just not what they do at Top Gear.

Some British shows translate quite well here - The Office, for example. But with Top Gear I have such respect for the original show; I feel if they asked me to do it I would be a pale imitation of Jeremy.

It would have to be something completely different, coming from a different angle. But when you see something that’s sort of perfect as it is, it’s difficult. Are you outright stealing, trying to imitate? What are you doing? I would prefer to do a different show rather than try to copy something that works so well already.

Cars are my hobby. Television is my job. When you make your hobby your job it becomes a whole different thing. For me, my great release from any sort of pressure is to go to my garage.

I have a friend who was an attorney but always wanted to open a hot-dog stand. So he opened a hot-dog stand and it was doing okay. Then he opened one on the other side of town and that was doing okay but never really did well. Then he ran between the hot-dog stands and the law practice and he lost all three of them.

So I go to my garage and I shoot my web pieces and we talk about the cars. I do it for free - there’s no money in it. We just passed 27m hits, so it’s quite popular, and that’s what I like to do. It’s great fun because it’s like sitting with a bunch of car friends. I don’t want it to be my job.”

Timesonline

Valid points. I’m glad that Leno, even though he has much respect for the British series is not interested in doing an “imitation” of such a great show. I seriously hope that this North American version never gets off the ground. It’s just a bad idea from day one.

In Retrospect – Looking back on March

2008-03-31T13:39:00.000-03:00

I was a bit slim on the posting this month. Other areas of opportunity have come up and some important events had to be tended to. The end of a quarter at work has taken a lot of time; a wicked fun bachelor party in Moncton was planned and very much implemented. (good to see old friends I haven’t seen in years), and organizing for next month’s Cancun trip has also taken a lot of my free time. Being a Best Man is some serious responsibility. So even though the month was slim, I’m glad to see comments on the content that was posted. Here’s a look at March.

At March 14, 2008, On “The Evils of the Internet”, Kristy said…

"Your friends don’t want your crap, especially when they have to go through about two pages of e-mail addresses that it has already gone to.

My mother is a spammer and she NEVER deletes the email addresses that are already on the email. I never email her anything from my work account because 1- I know she will forward it and 2- she will not delete my email address from the message.
I have tried several times to show her how to use BCC, she refuses to do so. Annoys the bloody hell out of me. Oh yeah, mom, ever hear of snopes.com? Check it out before sending me the email about the missing teenage girl from Fredericton or Oromocto or saint John or Bathurst.”

It’s funny because mothers are the worse perpetrators of e-mail spam. Even if you just received an e-mail of the cutest pets or the most amazing pictures of the year form your closest friend, if you look through the archive of recipients in this e-mail you will find that person’s moms right near the top of the list. It’s like they actually make them up at home. Like when they say they are getting together for dinner parties or having a Wednesday night of Oprah’s book club they are actually brainstorming about what to create for the latest and greatest of e-mail spam. Anyone ever notice that they never get sh*tty spam e-mails from their dad? Simply put, dads just don’t give a f*ck.

At March 23, 2008, on “The Annoyance, Part 2”, Dan Wilson said…

“Funny thing, Blockbuster actually isn't surviving. Or should I say didn't survive. Blockbuster was bought out by Hollywood Video, the same company that runs Movie Gallery.”

For the record, it’s good I have Dan as a frequent commenter on this blog. Dan seems to know everything about movies, actors, and sh*tty corporations. See I don’t even know what Hollywood Video is…or Movie Gallery. It sounds like on of those local, independent DVD rental stores you have on the corner of your street. You know the ones that allow you to buy like Cheetos, Big Turks, and Haagen Dazs Ice Cream Bars before checkin your movie out. You walk out there after spending $28 when you only planned to rent Atonement. Wait, am I talking about the independent corner store or Blockbuster?

At March 01, 2008, On “Blogger's Block, Potholes, and How Winter can go to Hell”, Anonymous said…

”So I'm assuming by your post you live in Halifax, which is in Nova Scotia, Canada. A cold climate, so you bitch about winter, that's like bitching about night or day time, it makes up 50% of your life, why not either learn to love it or get the hell out? move to somewhere warm where you can bitch about how horrible the heat is?

The only reason something in your life (like a month, day etc) is horrible is because you convince yourself of it. It's not like you get cancer every February? do you? cause then you can hate the month of February. Just find something to do and get your head out of your anus.”

OK, for the record I never try to get into arguments about things that I post and comments that are attributed to those posts. Everyone has a right to an opinion. So I’m not going to attack Anonymous. That wouldn’t be fair to anyone.

Yes I live in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, and yes it is cold. It’s cold everywhere in Canada. Have you been to Canada? Anyway, as a Canadian you cannot just move wherever you want. Other countries don’t seem to like people just moving their sh*t over there, getting a job and calling it home. Also, not everything in life is bad just because I convince myself it is. I can say I don’t like February because it’s wicked cold; there are no holidays, and no days off from work. What’s wrong with me saying that? I personally don’t like some things that occur, or don’t occur in February. We live in Canada; we bitch about the weather. That’s not out of the ordinary here in Atlantic Canada. Haven’t you watched Corner Gas?

Anyway, thanks for the comments, I like to read other points of view on the topics posted here on the blog.

Next up: Some Top Five and Top Ten Lists, a new post of Commercially Critiqued, and Cancun, Mexico: a first hand experience.

Lates, Tom